Family Holiday - who's being u?

[voldemortspinkteddy]

Ok basically I saw this done a while ago by someone else so I thought I'd try it. I'm not actually a mum, I'm the daughter (15) but when I ask all my friends they all agree with me, but that might just be because they're my mates, so I need the other sides view IYSWIM :S

Basically, my mum launched on me that the whole family is going on a camping holiday next weekend. She tells me this a week before it happens, with absoulutly no consideration to my plans at all. I actually have a birthday party, and a couple of sleepovers/meetups planned. I don't want to miss these for 4 days sitting in a tent with my family (who will most definitly be fighting the majority of the time)

She is allways doing this, cancelling events that I've been planning for weeks as a punishment. It's not even for big stuff (which I could understand) it's for little things like supposedly having a rude tone! I was supposed to be going to the Xfactor auditions to be in the audience and she stopped me. So I feel like I should stand up against it instead of just accpeting it, and let her know that I am NOT a little girl any more and I actually have the means to be responsible.

(BTW I would be staying with friends not on my own if they left without me)

And everytime I try and explain to her she just brushes it off, so im forced to do stuff like say Im not going to babysit my brothers if she won't at least listen to me. Then she claims im manipulating her. I dont feel good about doing those things but she doesn't understand that some of these things she stops me doing are IMPORTANT to me, she doesn't care at all.

Anyway she basically is making me cancel all of my plans to go to this stupid holiday because I'm "part of this family too!"

I don't know, am I being unreasonable? Should I just go?

Oooh. This would have pissed me off royally when I was 15. So I have every sympathy.

I love the fact that you are on MN and trying to see the other side. That definitely shows a fantastic level of maturity all ready.
Could you offer a compromise of some kind? Perhaps only 2 days sitting in a tent being miserable, rather than 4?
I'm afraid that stamping your feet is not a good way of doing this though. If they have truly decided on it then you getting cobby will just mean that you will still be going, but with everyone having a miserable time. The other best bet would be to get your friends mum to ask her if you could stay over those nights. But if your mum is determined, then you may have to accept it.

It's hard to say without hearing your mum's side of things - maybe you do have a rude tone, when she stops you from doing certain things. Just because it doesn't seem rude to you, it doesn't mean that it isn't rude to her.

On the face of it, I agree that at 15 you should be consulted and not have trips/activities imposed without any discussion. I have a 15 year old and I would ask him. Perhaps though, she thought it would be nice to do something as a whole family and would miss you if you weren't there. I would hate to go away without all my children - I would feel like a limb was missing, so your mum is probably the same.

Ask if she will reschedule and try to be grown up and calm when you tell her about your plans. A hissy fit will not help you.

Right, for a 15 yr old you are very articulate, and it is a joy to read something from a teenager that isnt riddled with text speak. You sound mature for your age, however, a couple of things you have said sound less mature.

You are 15, of course you are going to think your parents don't understand you, but bear in mind they were 15 once!

When you said you get in trouble for 'supposedly having a rude tone!' that sounded typical 'kevin the teenager'. And also 'stupid holiday' and the sarcastic way you said 'im part of this family too' .My sd would get into trouble for being cheeky/sarcastic/rude. The only way for a parent to stop kids misbehaving is to take away something they really want. You will never learn if there are no consequences.

Your parents want you to spend time together as a family, in a years time you will be a young adult and this could be one of the last holidays that you have together. However, i think you should know a bit more in advance as your social life is obviously very important to you.

Maybe you could sit your mum down, show her this, or explain that you would like to spend time as a family but you would prefer to have a bit more notice so you don't make other plans.

Ultimately, she is the adult and you are the child. She works hard to provide for you, feeding you, giving you a roof over your head, clothing you etc and i think it is easy to forget this when you are a teenager and feel hard done by. She will always be there to help you, even when you are an adult, so i think spending 4 days on a holiday you are not really keen on to make her happy isn't really a lot to ask.

I am not saying you are being totally unreasonable, but you need to see it from her side too.

Hmm, difficult one, maybe your mum has to decide on camping fairly late beforehand in case the weather is bad? I know that we do that as a family, because it really is no fun if you have bad weather. I have 2 older teens and an 8 year old so I will now let the teens decide if they would like to come. They invariably do, but in their own transport with GF and BF in tow and because they love our camping trips ( we have a lot of fun).
How about if you write a note to your mum explaining why you feel that it is unfair to wreck your plans last minute, but offer to help plan another trip where you as a family will camp somewhere different and plan activities together? It needn't be expensive, I always think that teenagers are brilliant at coming up with innovative things to do whereas adults can get really boring
How about a themed BBQ at the camp? Mexican or American style? And games to go with it?
Do you have a BBQ that is off the ground that you can use as a campfire? I know many sites will not allow fires on the ground but will allow them ina container and that means you can sit around it, melt marshmallows and drink wine hot chocolate
good luck

I think just the fact that you get a week's notice and are expected to change plans is a bit off really and would have really hacked me off at any age tbh.

I suggest a big calendar that you can write your plans on and everyone else can, then they can see who's doing what and when.

Your mum is being unreasonable on this if you have places to stay over and wouldn't be left on your own.

And if it's over the bank holiday weekend, the forecast is really dire.

Does she know that you have these things planned? Is there a famly calendar you could write stuff on? Has she written stuff on there that you haven't seen?

If it's a family holiday then the whole famliy should have had a say in it. As you are almost an adult I would expect you to have been consulted, on the dates if nothing else.

It doesn't sound like you all have much fun together. Would you be more willing to go if you all had a better time together?

The thing is, it's important for us parents to have time together with all our children, because we love them more than you can understand (until you have children of your own that is) so when you don't want to go, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth. Do you spend muc htime together during the week? And I mean doing something together, not so much slumped in front of the TV. Another thing you probably don't understand is that 4 days off work is like GOLD to us. You get to see your friends every day at school. We have to work with dickheads all day. So when we get extended time off we want to spend it with those we love most.

My guess is that she is having trouble adjusting to the fact that you are becoming an adult. It's tough to adjust to it after so long looking after you and doing so much for you. Try not to be too hard on her.

Thanks for the responses :) I'm hoping she'll see this thread (she's on mumsnet) so she can see my side of the story clearly, because whenever I rty and explain in person it ends in an arguement :(

Ultimately you are 15, and like it or not, your parents are still "in charge".

I wouldnt mind betting that your mums version of this is completely different

And I remember being a stroppy 15 year old too...

I think you need a family calendar so things are planned properly

Why don't you ask your mum to go out for a walk while the weather is nice and try to talk about it calmly.

I agree Squeaky.
I can just see her thread "So upset that the wonderful camping trip with our beloved daughter who is turning 15 has been ruined.

She seems so cross all of the time with us, only wanting to see her friends, but we though this would be a lovely surprise and was planning on giving her those tickets to see [insert band/tv show] here. There was going to be bunting and everything... sob. [insert sad face emoticon]"
Etc
I hope it all works out for you vold. And just think - I used to be dragged away for 6 weeks at a time from my friends. I can't bear to think how awful I was to my parents during those 6 weeks. 4 days seems quite a bargain.

Agree about the calender BTW. You should have a say in what is being planned. You may have 'lost' this one, but being rational and organised for future weekends will definitely be worth it.

I think you need a family calendar so things are planned properly

I'm pretty sure you do have a rude tone at times (all teens do even if they dont reslise it themselves) however I wouldn't do this to my 10 year old never mind a 15 year old.

Yes I would insist you went camping but I would pick a weekend where there no plans or give sufficient notice and say don't make plans

We do have a family calendar and the kids love writing on it and they are only 8 & 10

The 'I dont want to go on holiday with my family' bit sounds a tad Unreasonable, however I was such a twatty 15 year old with my mum, honestly and her cancelling your plans, she is being U.

I can imagine your mother dosent listen to anything you say, just like mine. Even now and i'm 23, when i told her i was having a boob job, she cried? not through worry either. When you get older it will get better, but talk to her, dont row. Plan what you are going to say, have your point ready and how it makes you feel. Touch on a plus point aswell like 'I enjoy spending time with the family, however i would like to talk about my xxx plan'

Failing that, if you cant talk without someone crying/shouting. Text it too her, i know it sounds really stupid, but it works with my mum as we cant have a conversation about anything she dosent agree with without crying. Like my boob job for example I said, i have found a Nice Private hospital, offering a big discount, i have booked in for a consultation, im not doing it purposely too piss you off, but for the simple fact i want bigger boobs. It resulted in her understanding my decision, after 10 years of arguing and screaming at each other over it.

(the boob job fell through though, just FYI)

I'd be really interested to hear her side!

My best guess is that she wasn't aware that you had stuff planned for the coming weekend because you don't talk to her. Which will be partly because when you talk, there are arguments, but I imagine some of the arguments are because you are rude to her. Parents don't generally call you out for rudeness unless you are actually pretty rude because - believe it or not - they hate the arguments too. It's only worth picking you up on if it's bad.

Is this a special weekend, stuffed full of genuinely one-time-only life-changing events? Or do you have a pretty full social calendar and actually not spend much time with your family? That's another reason you may not get much notice - because your mum feels if she gave you 6 months' notice and booked you a suite at the Ritz, you'd still find something "better" to do.

It's only 4 days. I'd either suck it up, or I'd stress to mum that it's just these particular 4 days that are difficult for you and try to trade it for some other time. Your family provide for you and feed you and shelter you and pay for you and - more importantly - support you and will have your back every time when your friends let you down (and they WILL let you down). Investing 4 days in them out of 365 isn't such a big deal when you look at it like that.

I was going to say "unless your parents are genuinely toxic", but since the mum in question has the good sense to be on MN, she probably isn't

Well firstly, where are you going camping, what kind of tent setup do you have and is there any chance of fun?

Secondly, why the short notice?

Ultimately she is your mum and wants a nice family holiday, so I think you should try to go at least for some of the time. That said, you wouldn't have got me in a tent at 15 unless there were lots of friends and booze involved. Could you take a friend?

I feel bad because I think she just wanted to surprise us with a family holiday because my Dad has been away for days at a time with work and we don't get to see him much. I might go just to stop the tension and stress :S

Would it possible for you to take a friend with you? From the age of 14 I was always allowed to take a friend on holiday with me, it worked out well though my parents might remember differently Maybe suggest that to your mum?

It's good you recognise she is doing this to be nice not to ruin your life. I still think you should talk to her and explain its a nice thing she has arranged a surprise but that now you are almost an adult you would appreciate a bit more notice in future and that you would be happy to help arrange things with her. If you act grown up then she will treat you more like a grown up.

Would she maybe settle for 2 days away as family so you get to do half the things you wanted? The weather is going to be rotten anyway.

Does your mum know that you had things planned? Did you discuss it before accepting the invitations? If there are sleepovers etc I assume she must.
It is rude to accept an invitation to something planned that has to be paid for but lots of plans of this type are actually quite informal, if she didn't know or there is a history of things falling through I can see why she thought this was more important. Why are there always fights?

TBH it sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
Regardless of the issue at hand it sounds like both of you need to work on your communication. Why is there always an argument? What is said? if the same issues keep coming up it would suggest that is where the problem lies.
For example the x-factor thing, that sounds like there was plenty more background to it - unless your mother has nothing better to do in her life than plan ways to make your life a misery then why would she stop you going unless there was a good reason? I'm pretty sure she didn't enjoy dealing with the fall out either.

Essentially this AIBU does boil down to the fact that we all have to do things we don't want to do. Camping trips are often short notice. Now I hate camping with a passion, always have, always will but I still have to go with good grace with DHs family (this may well be a joy of yours to come ) as it makes him, them and our DCs happy. It really is for the greater good and it gets me a lot of goodwill (this is an important factor). This time I suggest you concede the battle but use it as an opportunity to actually talk to your mum calmly maybe write a letter to her if you think things will get out of hand and wind up with more bad feeling. If you are part of a family then there are always compromises for the good of the whole lot of you rather than just one person in it. Personally I'm not sure this is about your mum being cock-a-hoop about being stuck in a tent with her DCs at each other's throats but trying to express what we all try to - I love you and the time we spend together is precious.

You are spot on you are not a little girl, if you have the means to be responsible you have to accept all of those responsibilites. These things are important to you, you stressed. What about the things that are important to your mum? Or your siblings? Being treated as an adult isn't a carte blanche to be able to go off and do everything that we want to, we all pay for our freedoms in different ways. I'm not saying that because you are 15, I've said it to people far older than you. What you're actually talking about are the rights of adulthood, the responsibilities are exactly this - compromise, negotiation and acting in a way that recognises everyone has things that are important to them and they are just as legitimate as your own.
I think it might be time to talk to your mum and discuss that by accepting and performing your responsibilities with good grace (whether that's babysitting, housework, schoolwork, job, family time whatever your family set up is) you earn the rights that go along with it. It's all checks and balances from now on whether you are fitting in with an employer, family, children or spouse there is always a payoff.
Refusing to babysit until you get your own way is a childish way to deal with it and it is these things that undermine your case. That's true whatever your age. You have done to your mother what you are complaining of her doing here now. So maybe you've been telling her that it's the only way of getting you to do what you need to do - change it, do things that make life easier for everyone and you will get more time and freedom to do what you want to do.

Really hope the mum comments in this thread