Family Holiday - who's being u?

[voldemortspinkteddy]

Ok basically I saw this done a while ago by someone else so I thought I'd try it. I'm not actually a mum, I'm the daughter (15) but when I ask all my friends they all agree with me, but that might just be because they're my mates, so I need the other sides view IYSWIM :S

Basically, my mum launched on me that the whole family is going on a camping holiday next weekend. She tells me this a week before it happens, with absoulutly no consideration to my plans at all. I actually have a birthday party, and a couple of sleepovers/meetups planned. I don't want to miss these for 4 days sitting in a tent with my family (who will most definitly be fighting the majority of the time)

She is allways doing this, cancelling events that I've been planning for weeks as a punishment. It's not even for big stuff (which I could understand) it's for little things like supposedly having a rude tone! I was supposed to be going to the Xfactor auditions to be in the audience and she stopped me. So I feel like I should stand up against it instead of just accpeting it, and let her know that I am NOT a little girl any more and I actually have the means to be responsible.

(BTW I would be staying with friends not on my own if they left without me)

And everytime I try and explain to her she just brushes it off, so im forced to do stuff like say Im not going to babysit my brothers if she won't at least listen to me. Then she claims im manipulating her. I dont feel good about doing those things but she doesn't understand that some of these things she stops me doing are IMPORTANT to me, she doesn't care at all.

Anyway she basically is making me cancel all of my plans to go to this stupid holiday because I'm "part of this family too!"

I don't know, am I being unreasonable? Should I just go?

It would be lovely if you could come up with a compromise to go for some of the time and have some time with your friends. Just an idea, but could you take a friend with you?

My parents never really let me socialise (I never once had a sleepover or was allowed to invite anyone home) so I plan to let my kids live a little before they leave home.

Hope you manage to work something out OP.

NicNocJnr speaks much sense. There are two strands I think to growing up: the obvious bit of turning from a child into an adult and the non-obvious bit of learning to compromise and be a team player. School (and Uni) can actually be really unhelpful with the second bit: it's a hothouse environment where you get to pick your friends and spend time with the people you want to spend time with all day and then spend evenings and weekends with them too, and if you don't agree what to do you just fall out and go be friends with someone else. So though it may seem that in lessons you are never doing what you want, socially you get to do exactly what you like. Adult life isn't like that: it's all about compromise and negotiation and getting along with people that you wouldn't choose to be with and give and take about what you want to do - because that's what makes the world go round.

You say you are not a little girl any more and you have the means to be responsible - but isn't this what your mum is asking you to do? ie do a bit of that growing up thing. I hate camping fwiw. But if I were invited on a family holiday with a family member that I hadn't seen for a while, so that we could all get some time together, I'd cancel other plans to do it. Unless they were absolutely critical ones, but I think if you have absolutely critical plans for a weekend and your mum doesn't know about it, you guys need to talk more.

Tbh if my mum told me only a week before at any age I'd been pretty annoyed. Was she just unaware of your plans? Maybe a calendar you can both write on in future and some agreement that once it has been put on there that she doesn't expect you to cancel and you are to participate and not make other plans either? This is what my dd 14 and I do. You sound very articulate and mature for trying to see both sides of the argument.

I think shes chosen this weekend because its bank holiday and as you said, you havent spent much time as a family lately. I must say that id be reluctant to let my 15 year old be responsible for herself at home or partying with friends for 4 days while i went off camping, so in fact if you dont go, you may be effectively stopping the rest of the family from going/enjoying themselves.
In a few years you'll be able to leave home and have total responsibility for yourself and have as many parties and sleepovers as you can afford, but i dont think its unreasonable at 15 to be expected to still participate in family holidays. When you do leave home, you probably wont even be able to afford holidays, so maybe just enjoy the opportunity for a change of scenery and some outdoor living and maybe do some much needed re-bonding with your family, as these are the people that will be there for you for the rest of your life, and these are the sort of memories that you will actually look back on fondly in a few years.
I dont think youve got any option but to suck it up and go
just try and see the positives in it

because my Dad has been away for days at a time with work and we don't get to see him much. I might go just to stop the tension and stress :S

This would be the mature thing to do. Another thing you can do is to try and find something enjoyable about it, because if you decide it's going to be miserable, it WILL be. If you chose to find something fun in it, chances are you'll enjoy it more. or you could be evil and spend the whole time sulking or texting your friends who are off at the birthday party and sleepovers/hang outs to see what things they're doing and getting yourself all worked up about what a great time they're having while you're stuck in a tent and basically ensure that NO ONE has a good time

I'm with those who say "email/write her"- it takes the heat out of things and can be easier to moderate your tone. Also ask her to tell you how you're being rude- it could be your tone, or what you're saying, or your language choice... in writing you don't get all the non-verbal clues but sometimes that helps because you can concentrate on what you're trying to say without the distraction of HOW you're saying it.

Also, remember: your mum is human, too! Cut her some slack, she's doing her best, and try to be kind to her.

I'm very much Pro-feminism too. I'm doing this for myself and i dont see it as Anti-anything!

I sympathise with your disappointment about having your plans disrupted, but as others have said, did your mum know about your plans? I think in future it would be polite to tell ask her if you can go to a sleepover etc. Obviously just as a formality, because you've already arranged it, but as an almost-adult living in your mum's home it's nice to show respect for her feelings / position.

Ideally your mum would have given you more notice of the camping trip or discussed it with you before booking it, so she is being a bit U, but you've explained her reasons for that. Therefore you are being a bit U for choosing this battle to 'stand up against' the way she treats you. And again, as others have said, this trip could be a really special few days for your whole family to remember if you try to make it that and don't sulk about missing your friends whereas you'll have lots of other birthday parties and sleepovers to enjoy. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but honestly, it's true.

I think the whole issue is about you feeling that your mum doesn't listen to you. Can you find a way, without getting emotional, to show her how important it is to you that she hears what you're trying to say? Maybe start with a flattering nice statement like 'I know how much you care about us but sometimes I feel like you don't hear what I'm telling you' - or write it down, like others have suggested.

There's some really good advice on this thread already so I'll stop there! :)