Would i be unreasonable to say this, or just a bit precious

[flynn80]

Was talking to my aunty at the weekend who is a smoker, she smokes outside her home at all times and has probably 4-5 a day. her daughter (my cousin, new mum to a 3 month old) was telling me how she wont let her mum hold the baby when shes been smoking, as the baby can still smell the smoke on her clothes and breath it in.

id never actually thought of that before, im due in the next few weeks and my in laws are both heavy smokers, they started smoking outside there house yet as i and dp sont smoke we can always smell it on people or items that are covered in smoke, dont think id want my baby breathing that in either.

would i be unreasonable to say to them they cant hold the baby with smoke all over them, or am i just concerned about nothing? really dont know as i was brought up by my nan who chainsmoked constantly, i still have asthma now so dont know if that was a factor or not?

Nope not precious at all. I wouldn't have handed a newborn baby over to a person sporting clothes riddled with smoke.

Nope your not being precious, I would def not give my baby to be held by someone who smells of smoke/will still be breathing it out.

I hate smoke and my mum's a heavy smoker, so I really didn't want her holding my DS (PFB emoticon). However I did explain to her that I was worried about the smoke and asked her not to hold him after she'd been smoking. She was very good about it I have to say - she cut down a bit (at least in our presence) and only smoked at the end of a visit when she was about to go anyway (outside the house too).

I don't think you'd BU to say something but bear in mind that people can be funny about this. They feel guilty but cover it up by acting really angry. Do you have a good relationship with your in-laws in general?

The guide lines say to wait 20 minutes after a fag to hold a baby.

YANBU but I fear you may sound a bit precious to some people when you tell them. I wouldn't have liked anyone holding my infant DC when they had been smoking either, but it wouldn't have surprised me of they got touchy about it, IYSWIM.

i personally think its a bit precious, but its up to you. I think the main thing is that they smoke outside and wash their hands after, and since neither you or your dp smoke, the risks of any harm must be incredibly low

Thanks, thought i was being super over protective or something, my relationships with inlaws is fairly good yeah, but theyre a bit outdated with the whole baby thing, mil bought a 2nd hand moses basket which was good of her, i said id get a new mattress though sne she got a bit upset, so had to explain that its reccomended now new baby new mattress, its only when someone else tells her that she believes them, i think she thinks im being super precious about everything as this is my first. im really not, im so laid back about it all.

i did also mention (to dp also as he didnt know this) that if youve been drinking or smoking you dont have the baby in the bed with you, mil said well nothing ever came of him being in the bed with us - er yes he stopped breathing once while you panikced and ran out leaving fil to sort it all out. i really wouldnt want her minding him and putting him in the bed as she drinks and smokes constantly, dont know if she'd take any notice but that wont be happening for a while, i doubt telling them not to hold the baby after smoking will go down well, ill get dp to do it [chicken emoticon]

I always made people wait an hour after a cigarette before holding my baby. People were surprisingly understanding about it. I never took either of them to sils house when they were babies either as she smokes in the house, even now when dd2 is 2 we don't go there very often.

TheOneWithTheHair thanks for that, sounds more reasonable to be honest to just wait that saying no you cant hold baby, youve been smoking!

thing with them is i can imagine them coming into the hospital to visit chain smoking all the way there and reeking of it when they walk on the ward!

Not precious at all, I won't let me kids be with people who have recently smoked and when DC3 arrives it will be the same and my Sisters and MIL and SIL all smoke

You are not being unreasonable at all.

When we were first discharged from hospital with my new bundle of joy I became very shouty upset one evening that I could smell smoke in our kitchen. My partner quit smoking that same evening, over 10 weeks ago. My mum now only smokes outside when she visits and has a designated smoking jacket. Before holding the baby she washes her hands with soap, brushes her teeth and removes the 'smoking jacket'.

Just approach it sensitively or kick off like me.

I was at the Drs last week and saw a poster about passive smoking and how much smoke comes off clothes after you have smoked.

at your mums smoking jacket!

Not being pfb at all. When my DH realised that he couldn't hold our baby after he had been smoking he joked that he'd go out and have a smoke everytime he smelt a dodgy nappy!
As it was he totally gave up smoking three weeks before she was born ;-)
It's your baby your rules!

At 4 - 5 a day, yes I think you are a little precious but it all depends on your relationship with your aunt.

YANBU at all. I was also a bit funny about people wearing really strong perfume (all the females in my family!!) when DS was a newborn. I'm always at people smoking INSIDE with a newborn or infant. Gross.

Pendeen - nothing to do with my aunt, im asking about my in laws who are chain smokers. it was just my aunt who mentioned it to me, something id not even thought about and just wondered if everyone else thought the same

when we first moved my DH worked in a place with carbon fibre and i used to make him have a shower when he got home, before he even thought about playing with our DD (18mo at the time)

My reasoning was, and still is..... how many dads came home covered in asbestos dust not realising it was harmful?

loads i expect - Now we know how dangerous asbestos is we give it respect. we should for smoking too.

Just because there hasnt been a link with carbon fibre yet, doesn tmean there wont be, and do you really want to take that risk?

LadyRabbit i feel the same way about fils aftershave, i think he has shares in brut and old spice . or maybe its not that bad and its my bloodhound nose!

I don't know. My MiL smokes and I've never liked it but I never really had qualms about letting her hold the baby. It would be awful if their grandparenting got off to a bad start because you told them they couldn't hold the baby when they'd been smoking - I can see it wouldn't do a lot for the relationship.

And the effect must be fairly mild compared with living with two people who smoked indoors, which was the case for me (and a lot of other children in the 70s).

But I do understand your point of view. I loathe smoking.

YANBU. There's nothing worse than a baby that stinks of smoke. Fortunately none of my family or friends smoke but I remember my midwife telling me not to let any smokers hold DS for at least an hour after a cigarette and even then only after they'd washed their hands and changed their clothes. Sounds a little extreme, but you really don't want your baby to smell of anything but babies, not to mention the health issues.

I tend to agree with Pendeen.

My mum died from smoking, and I've seen friends with warm family relationships and wished I had them.

I think a lovely, cuddley aunty smoking 4-5 cigarettes a day outside would be better than no aunty.

That's not unreasonable, no. The toxic elements of cigarette smoke can be absorbed into and then slowly released from clothing, and I wouldn't want a young baby being cuddled closely by someone whose clothers were full of toxins.

I think once the baby is over 1yo you could relax a bit, but while DC is little then do whatever you can to reduce the exposure.

Also, don't let your DC travel in your PIL's car - even if they only smoke in there with a window open it will still be full of toxins.

Remember that there are lots of different elements of toxicity within cigarette smoke, not all of which have a smell, and all of which have different durations before they disperse or break down, so whether or not you can smell smoke is not necessarily a good indicator of whether it is safe to breathe.

Not being precious at all. Actually was discussing this with a nurse on the ward last time Ds was admitted with his asthma.

Official advice is dont go near the child for 20 minutes afterwards and either wear a coat or get changed as it lingers on the clothes. The ward advice parents who smoke to have their cig then go for a drink or something before coming back onto the ward.

(I don't smoke, was just one of those things which came up in conversation)

Really interested to see responses to this I have a similar situation, expecting my first DC. DH's father and stepmum live 100 miles away so we don't see them often. His stepmum is a heavy smoker. She doesn't smoke inside the house any more - at least not in front of us, but I have my doubts about this as the house still has a very strong smell of smoke. She is really excited about the baby but can be a bit volatile and DH had a difficult relationship with her growing up though things are much better now. I find when I stay there that all my things stink of smoke, and I mean everything from my clothes to a bottle of shampoo. I hate the idea of my baby breathing this in and smelling smokey!
DH is inclined to think just leave it as we won't be seeing them often enough for it to affect the baby, but I think it's an uneccessary risk and don't see why we should put up with it when smoking is so yucky. I would also prefer not to stay there with baby because of this issue - I think over 2-3 days the exposure would be a credible risk.