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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this comment from a social worker out of order?

68 replies

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 11:51

I have a meeting with social services on Friday to address the 'issues' arising from a very unsucessful meeting last week. My application for home help was rejected and other, cheaper, services pushed onto me. I felt that the social worker made this decision based on being completely ignorant of autism and somewhat discriminatory in her attitude.

My occupational therapist and advocate from the specialist autism team at the hospital spoke to her afterwards and agree with me, that she she just doesn't get it. They are both coming to this meeting on Friday to try and get her to understand and if not, to file a complaint and take it further. They told me to write down all the things she said that upset me so that I don't get flustered and forget on the day.

I've written down most of them but there's one thing she said that made me feel like shit but I don't know if it's genuinely out of order to say it, or whether by this point anything she said would have upset me. She told me that one of the reasons I couldn't get the help I needed from them was that my husband and daughter (18) have a responsibility to help and support me and then added 'because this is how we do things in Sweden'. I felt like she was making out that we don't care for each other properly because we're foreigners.

Should I add this to my list of issues?

Disclaimer: I haven't included a lot of what was said and other info because then my post would be a mile long.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 28/05/2012 12:00

Can I just ask why 3 adults living in the same house need a home help? I can't quite understand why you are asking for one. Are you a carer for someone with ASD or is it you that has autism?

TheMonster · 28/05/2012 12:02

Is there a reason why your husband and DD cannot help you?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 12:02

Sorry, I should have said. We are all autistic. In practical living terms, I'm the most functional, so the bulk of responsibility falls to me. Which is why my hospital team have applied to get me some help.

OP posts:

LowFlyingBirds · 28/05/2012 12:03

If you felt offended by it, put it on your list.
But very likely she was simply stating fact and not having a dig so be prepared for her to say just that.
The risk is that if you are adding things to a list of grievances which you are having to make a bit of a leap to take offence at then you risk looking over-dramatic.
You were there, yourcall.

Combinearvester · 28/05/2012 12:04

What help is it around the home that your family's autism prevents you from doing i.e. what do you want them to do?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/05/2012 12:07

'because this is how we do things in Sweden'
I think it's more likely that she was acknowledging a difference between the Swedish system and the British one. Was it perhaps in answer to you having explained that you got this help in Britain?

FanjoForTheMammasaurus · 28/05/2012 12:08

sounds to me like she was just explaining the Swedish system with that particular comment

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 12:11

I've applied for support with housework. Either someone to do it alongside me, so we do all of it together or someone to do the things I never get to.

Because of being autistic, I struggle with general and am totally focused on detail. The result is that it takes me an hour to make the make. Added to that the rigidity of following routines, jobs 1, 2 and 3 get done every day but they take all day so jobs 4,5 and 6 never get done. Mentally I cannot jump to 5 because it desperately needs doing. That causes anxiety of suicidal levels. The result is, for example, that the kitchen sink is like new, but the kitchen floor hasn't been swept or mopped since we moved in 5 years ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 12:12

*to make the bed not the make

OP posts:

LowFlyingBirds · 28/05/2012 12:39

So does theAutism affect you all in the same way re the housework?

I can certainly see how its near impossible for you to get to the end of the chores, but it cant be divvied up?

Im wondering if you are taking on all the responsibility, and if so, why? Is that a part of your rigid routine?

nickelbarapasaurus · 28/05/2012 12:45

could your routine do things in a rota instead of 123456?

say, have your rota saying
Monday 1
Tuesday 2
wednesday 3
thursday 4
etc.

if you can't fit it all in, have your routine running over a fortnight rather than a week.
then you know that if it isn't monday, you don't clean the sink.

StepOutOfSpring · 28/05/2012 12:46

Would it help you at all to change the routine? So on day 1 you do jobs 1, 2, 3 and on day 2 you do 4, 5, 6?

Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2012 12:49

It sounds to me (as a SW) that she was trying to explain why you couldn't get the help that you were asking for.

I know nothing about the threasholds of judging need in Sweden, but i am always honest as to why services cannot be awarded, we have to be as it is in our code of practice. Some of it is based on opinion, if you don't state the need strongly enough to your manager, it gets rejected.

If you were in the UK then your husband and daughter would also be assessed and part of the plan.

I would ask for clarification on that statement as she may have been clumpsily explaining why you are not being given what you would like.

Is there a language problem at all?

kilmuir · 28/05/2012 12:50

surely the 3 adults need to allocate out the jobs, so 1,2 and 3 get done then you can start on 4 and 5.

lazilou · 28/05/2012 12:51

Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2012 12:52

Are the Specialist Autistic Team supporting you?

Is there a voluntary home help scheme? This could help you to organise your routine and stick to it.

Is your DH/DD being support, if you are the most functional?

Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2012 12:54

"surely the 3 adults need to allocate out the jobs, so 1,2 and 3 get done then you can start on 4 and 5"

Obviously not, if the OP has to have one job finished before another is started, this is usually whether they are doing it, or someone else.

The DH/DD may not be able to carryout a task from start to finish.

kilmuir · 28/05/2012 12:56

But why is she the only one doing anything????????????????????????????? surely 3 adults can manage to do housework

Sandalwood · 28/05/2012 12:56

It does sound like the SW doesn't fancy your chances of getting the help the way the system is in Sweden.

It's good you have an OT and advocate on side though.

elliejjtiny · 28/05/2012 13:01

I have dyspraxia and I know it's different but I've found fly lady has helped me a lot with housework routines flylady.net/

Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2012 13:02

"But why is she the only one doing anything????????????????????????????? surely 3 adults can manage to do housework"

All three adults are disabled. It sounds as though they need the help/support to get on track. This is specialist and very different to what a non autistic person would need.

This sort of intervention should start as early as possible, but as the services were not in exsistence in a lot of places. We are now only picking this up in the adult years when things have become 'substantial', from a risk POV.

bakingaddict · 28/05/2012 13:03

I dont get why all the other posts are saying that the other adults could do tasks...the OP has clearly stated that she is the most functional of all the adults in the household yet cannot complete many of the household chores. I think the other adults are out of the equation so not sure how helpful this line of advice is other than being patronising

claw4 · 28/05/2012 13:03

I would concentrate more on the "I couldn't get the help I needed from them was that my husband and daughter (18) have a responsibility to help and support me" and explaining why this is not possible, rather than the Sweden comment.

RickGhastley · 28/05/2012 13:12

I think that the "like in sweden" comment is irrelevant here.

You need to explain why the comment "your husband and daughter can help you" is not going to happen.

porthcurnick · 28/05/2012 13:15

I would stop focusing on the 'Sweden' comment, it seems she was just trying to explain the Swedish system to you.

What is important to focus on is that DH/DD are not capable of helping you complete these tasks, so therefore you cannot share the jobs out between you as I think she was suggesting.

Is there no way your routine could be changed, so that it's
1,2,3,4,5 Monday
2,3,4,5,1 Tues
3,4,5,1,2, Wed
4,5,1,2,3 Thurs
5,1,2,3,4 Fri
so that it all got done at least once a week, or is not that simple?

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