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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this comment from a social worker out of order?

68 replies

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 11:51

I have a meeting with social services on Friday to address the 'issues' arising from a very unsucessful meeting last week. My application for home help was rejected and other, cheaper, services pushed onto me. I felt that the social worker made this decision based on being completely ignorant of autism and somewhat discriminatory in her attitude.

My occupational therapist and advocate from the specialist autism team at the hospital spoke to her afterwards and agree with me, that she she just doesn't get it. They are both coming to this meeting on Friday to try and get her to understand and if not, to file a complaint and take it further. They told me to write down all the things she said that upset me so that I don't get flustered and forget on the day.

I've written down most of them but there's one thing she said that made me feel like shit but I don't know if it's genuinely out of order to say it, or whether by this point anything she said would have upset me. She told me that one of the reasons I couldn't get the help I needed from them was that my husband and daughter (18) have a responsibility to help and support me and then added 'because this is how we do things in Sweden'. I felt like she was making out that we don't care for each other properly because we're foreigners.

Should I add this to my list of issues?

Disclaimer: I haven't included a lot of what was said and other info because then my post would be a mile long.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:16

Lots of replies, I'll try to answer the questions as best as I can.

So does theAutism affect you all in the same way re the housework?

No it doesn't. I'm ocd over the house. Anything not perfect (ie 99%) causes extreme anxiety and shutdown (not getting out of bed for weeks on end). My husband and daughter would live in total squalor as they wouldn't even notice it. My husband is good and will do any job I ask him to, but he can't see that it needs doing himself. Also his motor skills are quite limited so it's like getting a 4 year old to do the job.

My daughter on the other hand is completely stuck in her special interests (when she's not at school). She sees her occupational therapist every week and over the last 3 years they have worked with her enough so that she can now cope with school (just) and cook 2 meals a week. That's the limit of her chores and it's a massive acheivement that she's got that far. They are now trying to add putting on 1 load of washing to that responsibility.

OP posts:

claw4 · 28/05/2012 13:18

You could mention the fact that you are NOT in Sweden, so her comments are totally irrelevant and extremely unhelpful and therefore not one of the reasons you cannot get the help you need.

If this SW is being very obstructive, ask for another SW?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:19

could your routine do things in a rota instead of 123456?

Yes, this is what I want. This is what my occupational wants too, but she wants social services to work with me to acheiving this. I can't make that change myself. I know it sounds like a simple thing, but with autism it isn't. It's a mountain that needs climbing and I need some help on the climb.

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 28/05/2012 13:21

How have you managed so far op? You have raised a baby to adulthood....what's changed?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:21

I would ask for clarification on that statement as she may have been clumpsily explaining why you are not being given what you would like.

Is there a language problem at all?

I did wonder this myself so have requested an interpreter for Friday's meeting. Saying that, my occupational therapist spoke with her directly and thought the same as me.

OP posts:

claw4 · 28/05/2012 13:22

Theunmember, i dont think you need to explain yourself, experts have agreed you need this help.

Can you appeal this decision?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:24

Are the Specialist Autistic Team supporting you?

They are doing their best. They are trying to support me by getting me this help. They were the ones who applied on my behalf.

Is your DH/DD being support, if you are the most functional?

My daughter gets some support but the bulk of it falls to me.

OP posts:

surroundedbyblondes · 28/05/2012 13:24

OP are you in Sweden? Why is she bringing up Sweden?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:25

I have dyspraxia and I know it's different but I've found fly lady has helped me a lot with housework routines flylady.net/

Yes, me too. That's the only thing that keeps me from going under.

OP posts:

claw4 · 28/05/2012 13:26

Olympia, how the op has managed so far is irrelevant.

The idea is make a person with a disability life easier, to give them the same opportunities as everyone else.

porthcurnick · 28/05/2012 13:27

I assumed you were in Sweden UnMember, are you not in Sweden then?

MainlyMaynie · 28/05/2012 13:27

I find the 'this is how we do things here' comments are pretty frequent and totally harmless. I get them a lot from the equivalent of health visitors. There's also a language issue, was she speaking in English or Swedish?

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:28

I dont get why all the other posts are saying that the other adults could do tasks...the OP has clearly stated that she is the most functional of all the adults in the household yet cannot complete many of the household chores. I think the other adults are out of the equation so not sure how helpful this line of advice is other than being patronising

They are expressing pretty much what the SW said. I felt very patronised and upset at the time. It doesn't upset me too much when regular people don't get it, but when the ones who are supposed to support me don't get it's quite scary.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:32

Yes sorry, I should have said. I am in Sweden.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:36

How have you managed so far op? You have raised a baby to adulthood....what's changed?

I had a lot of family around, now it's just us. Plus it fairly normal for people with high functioning autism to keep it all together and put up a face of coping for many years. Then suddenly having 'autistic burnout' where they crash and burn and can never get back to their levels of functionality before the crash. I had this about 6 years ago. I didn't leave my bed, apart from toilet breaks, for 2 years. I haven't coped well since then eg I never leave the house anymore.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/05/2012 13:39

I agree that I would stop focussing on the 'Sweden' comment - it sounds like you have plenty of other things to complain about :( Can you get a different SW assigned to you? This one sounds complete clueless!! Is she a 'regular' SW or is she a SW assigned to people with SN?

Can you try to explain something to me?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 28/05/2012 13:41

I have just read your last post :(

What level do you feel you could get back to with adequate support?

porthcurnick · 28/05/2012 13:41

Actually the 'Sweden' comment is still fairly irrelevant, regardless of where you are, it is the usual way to share chores out across the family in England as well, you need to focus on why this is just isn't possible in your family.

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:41

Theunmember, i dont think you need to explain yourself, experts have agreed you need this help.

Can you appeal this decision?

Thank you. I don't mind explaining, although I'm not very good at it. I'd like to think that people reading learn something about autism that they didn't know before.

I think this meeting on Friday is to do with appealing it. I didn't make the appointment, my occupational therapist did. Then she rang me to tell me she'd done it because she wasn't happy about how her conversation with the SW went.

OP posts:

claw4 · 28/05/2012 13:43

Sorry i assumed you were not in Sweden!

She is still talking rubbish, you can or cannot get home help based on whether you meet the criteria or not. As far as im aware getting home help is not based on 'this is how we do things in Sweden'. You either meet the criteria or you dont.

Ask the SW for a copy of the criteria she is basing her comments on. Focus on the real reasons your application was declined, rather than comments from a clueless SW.

CinnabarRed · 28/05/2012 13:45

FWIW, OP, I think you sound great - strong, articulate, smart, resourceful. If the SW isn't getting it, the fault is with her and absolutely nothing to do with you. I really hope you get what you need.

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:53

Ok, I'll take on board the 'Sweden' comment and won't mention that bit. I'll focus on the bit where she said if I got a 'meaningful' job outside of the house I'd get better and wouldn't need any help at all. ie the cure for autism is work

And yes, this is the SN social worker.

chipping it's because of what is called executive function deficit and I can see what needs doing but I can't make that change myself. I can't explain it because I don't know. I guess the closest I can think of is someone with severe OCD, they know it's not working, they know it needs to change, but they need professional help to get there.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:55

Ask the SW for a copy of the criteria she is basing her comments on. Focus on the real reasons your application was declined, rather than comments from a clueless SW.

Thank you. That's really helpful advice. I got my husband to buy me a dictaphone at the weekend so I can record the whole meeting so that I don't forget anything or if I tune out I can listen to it later.

OP posts:

strawberrypenguin · 28/05/2012 13:55

TheUnMember I don't have anything useful to add just wanted to say that you sound like you have done an amazing job of looking after your DD/DH and yourself so far (hope this doesnt sound patronising it's not supposed to be) I hope you get the help you need on Friday. I also wanted to say that I have learnt things I never knew about autism from your posts so thank you for taking the time to explain. All the best to you and your family

Original poster

TheUnMember · 28/05/2012 13:56

Thank you Cinnabar. That's really nice to hear.

OP posts:

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