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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not worship the ground DS's dad walks on

35 replies

MummySunshine · 27/05/2012 23:23

Just because he's stuck around for DS??

We are not in a relationship but he sees DS fairly regularly and him and his family are involved.
Yes it's lovely, I'm happy my DS is so loved by both sides of his family, but bloody hell the comments I get really get on my nerves

'Oh it's really good that he's around'
'It's great that he wants to be involved'

Really? Am I lucky? Is it not what he's SUPPOSED to be doing? Why are we so often expected to roll out the red carpet when a guy does what he should be doing anyway?!

Breathes

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/05/2012 23:26

Well you have some very strange friends by the sound of it Lol.

I don't think I know anyone who really thinks that way.

takingiteasy · 27/05/2012 23:29

Yanbu I hear people spouting this all the time. I don't give dh a standing ovation for being around.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:32

yanbu

with bells on

MoonlightandRoses · 27/05/2012 23:37

YANBU - bit like the so 'XX's father is 'babysitting'' type comments people come out with...Envy

Krumbum · 27/05/2012 23:46

Yadnbu! It's crazy how women are given so much shit if they don't parent absolutely perfectly 24hrs a day but men who see their kids once a week are perfect parents, who have put themselves out so much. I've heard so many people say this.

solidgoldbrass · 27/05/2012 23:50

I get this as well - am in a similar situation (DS dad was an old drinking buddy of mine, he sees DS at least twice a week and everything's very amicable). Though mercifully I get far more comments along the lines of how nice it is that everything worked out for us (all 3 of us) and that we all get on.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2012 23:52

Actually I remember years ago getting really pissed off by a story I read in the newspaper.

The paparazzi had snapped Dean Gaffney (Robbie from Eastenders) pushing his toddler twins on the swings in the park and the story was about what a 'wonderful' Father he was.

I don't agree nor disagree about him being a wonderful father because just like the journalist, I have no clue.

But how the fuck did they get that idea purely because he was pushing his kids on a swing? They didn't even interview him Confused

normaleggy · 28/05/2012 00:01

I see what your saying but as my stbxh has decided that he no longer wants to see our children and hasn't for 2 months now, I do consider you very lucky. Instead of being annoyed by flippant comments by people just trying to be understanding of your situation, just be grateful that you don't have to try to explain to your 4 year old dd why her Daddy doesn't want to see her again.

Original poster
MummySunshine · 28/05/2012 00:19

I feel for you and I'm sure it's heartbreaking to have to do that normal but I don't consider myself lucky (for this particular thing), I consider you to have been unlucky (and your exP to be a dick)

This is my point - I don't feel I should be grateful that he's not abandoned my son. Why should I? I haven't? Decent people wouldn't?

OP posts:
BonnieBumble · 28/05/2012 00:22

YANBU.

I know a not particularly nice bloke who
found himself the main carer after his wife walked out. All of a sudden he was a saint. I don't get it.

GateGipsy · 28/05/2012 00:30

mmm well just to put it in another perspective. I don't know that they mean it that way. Knowing how hard it has been for some mothers I know, who have felt just dreadful for their kids that their dad hasn't stuck around. On the one hand, who wants to have some guy like that in their kids lives? On the other hand, what mother doesn't feel wretched that their kids have to grow up knowing that their dad doesn't care enough about them to see them?

In one case, the mum has a fantastic relationship with her ex-inlaws, and not only sees them regularly but they're a major fixture in her kid's life. But. Even with two sets of grandparents, and a mum who loves and cares about him, he still gets his heart broken regularly by a dad who says he's going to turn up ... and then doesn't.

So maybe that's what they mean when they say that's good/great/lucky?

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 28/05/2012 00:38

YANBU

I have different but similar gripe also...

I was a sahm for 10 years then I became disabled and my lovely DH is now my carer and a sahd to our children. Everyone constantly tells me how lucky I am, how fab he is, people at school especially ,fall over themselves to tell him (and me) how amazing he is and how nice dd's hair looked today and don't the dc always occasionally look smart etc etc. Yes he is fab, but not because he does what everyother parent does Hmm no one ever told me how clever I was to get the dc to school on time and remember their homework and lunches, why does he get credit for it?! I think its quite patronising too if I'm honest

There should be more shaming of crappy parents so that being a good parent is seen as the norm for both sexes

Original poster
MummySunshine · 28/05/2012 00:44

I know it's increasingly common for a child's father to be absent (particularly in my area). And I do know the comments aren't intended to piss me off, in fact I'm pretty sure that if I was to question anyone who said it, they'd realise it's quite a silly thing to say.

It still gets to me in any case, because yes a lot of guys abandon their responsibilities, but I don't feel that that should ever be accepted as the norm - thus making everyone treat a guy that does normal everyday stuff that he SHOULD be doing like he's mother teresa?!

I'm well aware of the awful situations some men put their children and partners in, and I'm thankful that's not me, but I don't applaud DS's dad for acting like a normal human being should?

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 28/05/2012 00:48

Yanbu.

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 00:53

Its just a sad inditement of life today. There are so many deadbeat dads who fuck the kids off at the smell of a shag or a night out with the lads, that the ones that do stick around are praised.

But I agree, they are just doing what they should be doing and shouldnt be lauded as parent of the century for that.

INeverFinishAnythi · 28/05/2012 00:54

YANBU. DS's dad hasn't seen him for 9 months now, no birthday card, Christmas card, nothing. I've finally started getting some maintenance, taken direct from his wages because he fucked about so much with the CSA promising to pay and then not that they applied for an attachment of earnings order, and yet if I mention I'm getting the money, I've been told 'oh well that's good that he's paying!' Yes, give him a bloody medal.

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 00:57

You make a good point about deadbeats not being considered normal.

Rather than bigging up good fathers who do their job properly (well, bigging them up more than the mothers that do it too), we should as a society be far more judgemental about the ones that dont.

They should be made to feel socially outcast about what they do, shamed about their abandonment of their children. In most cases, people do look down on them but nothing is said outloud. We should be more vocal in our condemnation of men who drop their families, in the same way ther we are about women who do that!

marcopront · 28/05/2012 02:27

My DD's dad doesn't see her often because we live in different countries but is normally too busy to talk to her on skype.

One of his friends commented on facebook that he was the best father ever. It was very hard not to make some remark about I didn't know he had another child as he definitely wasn't that good a Dad to my DD.

bogeyface · 28/05/2012 02:36

"macro" I wouldnt have been able to stop myself from saying "Awwww! When was the baby born?! DD will be thrilled to know she has a little baby brother or sister!"

But then I have an ex who thought that the best way to contact his DD that he hasnt seen in 12 years was via facebook, complete with photo of him looking adoringly at his newborn DD, my DD's half sister, and he wondered why she told him to fuck off Hmm :(

NameChangeaGoGo · 28/05/2012 02:46

YANBU

RachelWalsh · 28/05/2012 05:25

I got this all the time when my ds1 was a baby - his dad used to travel to see him for 2 hours once a week and people seemed to think this qualified him for some kind of father of the century prize. No one seemed to think it was nearly as amazing how I looked after him all the other bloody hours. Just because some 'fathers' don't bother at all shouldn't mean that those who do are held up as saints - it's what you're supposed to do for your children!
I wasn't shy at pointing this out to idiots friends who said this to me. It tended to be the same people whose husband went out for the afternoon and they decided they now 'understood what it was like for single parents'.Hmm

NeedlesCuties · 28/05/2012 08:36

YANBU.

Nothing else to add, apart from that.

StealthPolarBear · 28/05/2012 08:48

Worra tbh I'm impressed by a dad who has managed to get toddler twins dressed, out and to the park in one piece
I'd be equally as impressed by a mother doing the same :)

CrunchyFrog · 28/05/2012 09:23

YANBU. I get the same. I'm also "lucky" that he pays his legally obligated, CSA minimum child support. And that the kids stay overnight twice a week. No. He's doing what he ought to be doing.

Nobody suggests that he ought to be grateful to me for having the kids 5 nights a week, providing all clothes, activitites etc... Because in the eyes of the world, children are the woman's responsibility and the man's optional extra.

solidgoldbrass · 28/05/2012 11:03

I suppose there is some luck involved in the fact that the man who got me PG with DS (which was not planned at all) is a decent bloke and not a knob. I have shagged a few idiots but luckily didn't get PG. But that's about the extent of it.