to be a bit annoyed with MIL

[StarMeKitten]

It was my DMs birthday yesterday and she was having a party as it was a special birthday. We took 16mo DD for a bit so everyone could see her, but had arranged to drop her off at MILs later so she could sleep there for the night and so me & DH could go back and enjoy the party.

MIL also has our 2yo nephew at her house on weekends (BIL lives with her and he and nephews mum have split up).

We thought that as MIL knew she was having DD then BIL would have perhaps stayed in to see to his son so MIL didn't have to deal with both kids.

Instead we turned up at 8.15pm to see nephew running riot, and BIL out at the pub. We got DD ready for bed and tried to settle her down to help MIL. Anyway by this time DN was so excited to see our DD that he would not go to bed and was screaming at the top of his lungs (and ended up climbing out of his cot). Obviously our DD would then not sleep and was crying so we asked MIL if she wanted us to take DD home, and she said that was probably for the best.

We couldn't go back to the party with DD as she will not sleep with all that noise and was very tired. I also felt bad about going back on my own and leaving DH at home as we were both really looking forward to it, so we both ended up going home with DD, and my mum.was very upset!

I think I need a bit of perspective as I feel annoyed at MIL and think she could have called BIL and told him to look after his son, especially as she has DD overnight rarely.

I would have gone back to the party with dh and our child, at least for another hour or two. It's a one off and I've always found that they either get a burst of energy and have fun, or if they need to, sleep in the buggy.

I would have been narked though, at both mil and bil. Mil agreed to be responsible for DN despite have other arrangements with you.

I think you are being a bit of a martyr here. Mil could have coped with both children, yea they were excited but would have settled.

I think leaving early because your hubbub was missing out was silly too, like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It's like you wanted a good reason to moan so made sure it was ruined when it didn't have to be.

There's alot of things MILs do that's annoying but this is not one of them.

This time its your own fault, not MIL. Stop blaming her every perceived slight.

so we asked MIL if she wanted us to take DD home, and she said that was probably for the best

MIL said she would care for op dd then said this? I cant quite see how op is being unreasonable to feel a bit pissed off

she did go back to the party, but if you have arranged a rare night out with dh I can imagine it is not so nice when one of you has to go home because the childcare you have arranged has said this to you.

by saying this it also does seem to indicate MIL knew she would be unable to cope with DN and the op dd!!

If MILs GS is there every weekend-was it always a possibility that this might happen?

MIL is at fault in my opinion. She made a promise she was unable to fulfil. If she can't cope with two kids she should have said she couldn't babysit or made sure BIL was looking after DN.

TBH, it sounds like an unfortunate set of circumstances rather than anything else.

Maybe MIL thought she could cope.

There might have been no way of contacting BIL.

OP, husband & daughter could have tried going back to party.

Not too sure why OPs mum was very upset-she saw everyone, afterall.

You chose to not stay at the party.

You chose to come home.

You could have left your mother in law to deal with it.

Obviously she thought she could cope.

Why would your mum be so upset? All of you were there, ok you didn't stay as long as you would have liked, but you know, things change when you have kids.

It's not your MIL or BIL fault.

If you didn't want BIL's child to be there when you know he's there every weekend, you should have said something to your BIL.

so we asked MIL if she wanted us to take DD home, and she said that was probably for the best

I would say with the amount of annoyance the OP is writing hours afterwards, I would say that at the time, the MIL probably saw resentment/anger radiating from the OP in full color and if it were me, I would say that it would best if they took their child home because they weren't feeling comfortable with me watching their child.

Mynewpassion - I agree.

OP, I don't really know if you are BU or not and I don't care. I just want to give you some hugs and sympathy . I have been in this kind of situation. Someone says they will help you but it doesn't work out and then it's like dominos - everything just starts going wrong, personally I get frazzled and then end up just taking the easiest option - do it all myself and miss out on what it was all about in the first place. It always seems to be me sitting at home with my screaming sons while everyone else has a good time

Don't keep thinking about this in terms of rights or wrongs. You'll only make yourself feel more upset, bitter and resentful. Just try and learn whatever lessons you can so it doesn't happen again:

ie if DD will be babysat by MIL, BIL needs to be there or you settle her down there b4 u go out
ie if it's my family, I go and DH babysits and vice versa

I hope I'm not projecting my family situation on to yours too much but my in-laws drive me bonkers and I know they won't change so I just have to learn to cope with it. 2 weeks in Tenerife together, here we come!

HTH

I think you should have let your MIL look after your DD or you should have taken DD with you to the party. She probably would have settled down after a while.

It's not MIL's fault that you are being a bit martyrish. You didn't need to go home; you could have gone back to the party, but you chose not to do so. How do you know that MIL favours BIL and DN? Maybe she's just helping her son out, the same as you would if you had a son in the same situation.

I think you should have dropped your DD at your MILs as arranged and then you and your DH should have gone back to the party almost at once, leaving MIL to juggle the two children (so long as she was happy).
I suspect having two adults hovering and tutting made the job of settling the children much harder. Having an audience would have been distracting for your DD, your MIL and your DN. Lots of parents settle two toddlers single-handed. Sometimes bedtime doesn't go smoothly and can end up running a little late, but it's really not the end of the world. You could have phoned MIL from the party later, if you wanted to check your DD had settled.

You do seem to have made a crisis out of a drama.

The OP said she was 'a bit annoyed' - she wasn't making it into a drama.

Whatever the rights and wrongs I can understand why she feels a bit annoyed.

I too can understand why you were annoyed. It demonstrates that babysitting for your nephew takes priority over babysitting for your child. Take this as a lesson learned, your mil cannot be relied upon to babysit whilst she assumes responsibility for bils child. I feel a bit sorry for your mil, it sounds as if the access arrangements for dn means that she has to babysit every Saturday night.

Thanks all for your opinions (good & bad) and for helping me gain perspective. After sleeping on it I'm not really annoyed at MIL anymore, but still think BIL is a bit of a twat who needs to take responsibility for his own child!!

Yes there is favoritism going on in general but I can cope with that as DD has a lot of other people who adore her so really is very lucky.