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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit annoyed with MIL

67 replies

StarMeKitten · 26/05/2012 09:34

It was my DMs birthday yesterday and she was having a party as it was a special birthday. We took 16mo DD for a bit so everyone could see her, but had arranged to drop her off at MILs later so she could sleep there for the night and so me & DH could go back and enjoy the party.

MIL also has our 2yo nephew at her house on weekends (BIL lives with her and he and nephews mum have split up).

We thought that as MIL knew she was having DD then BIL would have perhaps stayed in to see to his son so MIL didn't have to deal with both kids.

Instead we turned up at 8.15pm to see nephew running riot, and BIL out at the pub. We got DD ready for bed and tried to settle her down to help MIL. Anyway by this time DN was so excited to see our DD that he would not go to bed and was screaming at the top of his lungs (and ended up climbing out of his cot). Obviously our DD would then not sleep and was crying so we asked MIL if she wanted us to take DD home, and she said that was probably for the best.

We couldn't go back to the party with DD as she will not sleep with all that noise and was very tired. I also felt bad about going back on my own and leaving DH at home as we were both really looking forward to it, so we both ended up going home with DD, and my mum.was very upset!

I think I need a bit of perspective as I feel annoyed at MIL and think she could have called BIL and told him to look after his son, especially as she has DD overnight rarely.

OP posts:

Dprince · 26/05/2012 10:08

Why are you upset at mil? You could have gone back to the party, you chose not to.

ENormaSnob · 26/05/2012 10:15

Yanbu

Seems like there's some favouritism IMO.

mumto2andnomore · 26/05/2012 10:15

I agree you should have gone back to the party as it was your mums can't understand why you didn't ?

Original poster

StarMeKitten · 26/05/2012 10:20

I should have been more clear in my OP - I did go back to the party on my own for an hour but drove and came home around 1030 as I thought it was unfair to be out late as DH was also looking forward to the party & is also quite close to my mum.

OP posts:

pictish · 26/05/2012 10:21

Look OP, I'm sorry but not getting back to the party was your own choice.

Had it been me, I would've left MIL to get on with it and said nothing about DN. So what if it took that bit longer to get the two of them to sleep....what harm would've actually been done?

Then you decided not to go because your dh would've had to stay home (after deciding not to use the perfectly acceptable babysitting arrangement) - so again...your choice.

No idea why you are annoyed at your MIL. I think you need to get over yourself and stop thinking everything has to be exactly to your liking. Tbh.

robotcornysilk · 26/05/2012 10:21

well then dh could have gone back at 10.30 then couldn't he?

rainbowinthesky · 26/05/2012 10:22

So actually you did get to go back to the party but chose to leave early (although 10.30 isnt that early).

DeckSwabber · 26/05/2012 10:25

I can understand why you are feeling annoyed at MiL if she allows herself to be taken advantage of. If she wasn't able to manage the two children I'm guessing there are other occasions when she finds looking after nephew quite challenging (?).

As for the party - yes you could have gone back on your own but you didn't feel right about it, and it would have been nice if the others around you had picked up on that and found a solution for you that didn't make you feel bad.

Sandalwood · 26/05/2012 10:25

yabu to be annoyed with your MIL who is doing what she can to let everyone else have a nice time.

You should have gone to your mum's party.
If your DH had a problem with that then maybe he could chat to his brother about taking advantage of his mum - he could at least settle his DS before disappearing to the pub.

pictish · 26/05/2012 10:26

I just can't understand why OP and her DH offered to take their dd home because of the little nephew!

So he was excitable and playing up at bedtime? So what?

squeakytoy · 26/05/2012 10:27

Is there any reason you couldnt just keep your daughter at the party? otherwise I dont see why you didnt just leave her with your MIL, as I sure both kids would have settled down eventually anyway...

pictish · 26/05/2012 10:29

Of course they would've Squeaky.

What a load of carry on over nothing.

CaseyShraeger · 26/05/2012 10:30

You decided that your DD couldn't cope with having her excitable cousin around. You suggested taking her home. You decided that you'd skip out on the bulk of your mother's party because you felt guilty about your DH. None of that is your MIL's fault.

Chances are that if you'd left your DD with your MIL your nephew would have calmed down once you were gone and they'd both have got off to sleep, and you and your DH could have both enjoyed your mother's party.

DeckSwabber · 26/05/2012 10:38

What I can't understand is why your mum was upset, given that you went to the party and then went back for an hour later on.

I wondered if she is the one who is annoyed with your in-laws?

puds11 · 26/05/2012 10:43

Mis-directed anger here! Your poor bloody MIL sounds like she has enough going on without you getting annoyed with her. I fail to see why you couldn't have put your DD to sleep upstairs at your mums?
Thats what i did with my DD and it worked fine!
Your BIL is an arse and should be confronted.

Original poster

StarMeKitten · 26/05/2012 11:08

The party was at a venue and DD would not have settled in a pushchair with all that noise, she was very tired and upset.

TBH there are other issues with favoritism with my MIL, she favours BIL over my DH and DN over DD which I guess is what it all boils down to. My mum is aware of this which is why I guess she is upset.

OP posts:

Sandalwood · 26/05/2012 11:12

Favours? Or helps more/sees more of as he is single and living with her.
It does sound as though she was willing to help you out too.

pictish · 26/05/2012 11:15

I am sure you are right, and there are issues with favouritism....BUT on this occasion, it was your own choice to lose out. There was no need to take your dd home because dn was playing up.

ProcrastinateWildly · 26/05/2012 11:16

If she had asked BIL to stay in, would he have done so, or would he have just gone out regardless?

halcyondays · 26/05/2012 11:29

But even if the BIL had been there, his son might still have been unsettled at bedtime. And he lives there. I'm sure they would both have settled eventually.
Ime, If children are very tired, they will usually settle quite quickly, regardless of noise or where they are. At 16 months old, we'd have just taken her to the party and if she was tiredshe'd have slept, noise or not.

I don't see why your my should be upset, you were still able to go back to the party until 10.30. It was your choice not to leave your dd at your mils and your choice not to bring her to the party. Perhaps she helps your bil more because he's a single parent and you and dh have each other, and presumably your mum, to help.

HildaOgden · 26/05/2012 11:51

I think,in all honesty,that you are using this as an excuse to bring any simmering resentment re :favouritism to a head.Of course you could have stayed at the party...or taken shifts with your dh to go to it...after all,thats probably what you would have done if a non-family member was babysitting and let you down on the night.

I actually think YOU were unreasonable to leave your mothers special party because you felt sorry for your husband missing out on the fun.If I was your mother,I'd be upset about that too.

By all means,express your opinion re favouritism to your MIL.But don't choose a night that is supposed to be special to do it.

COCKadoodledooo · 26/05/2012 11:52

I was going to post on this thread, but pictish has said pretty much everything I wanted to, almost word for word so saved me the bother!

Not mil's fault though.

FoxyRoxy · 26/05/2012 12:05

In the op you said you both returned home with dd, then you said you went to the party for an hour...

Whichever way, you made the decision not to leave dd with mil, how is it her fault? She doesn't control bil! There's no reason to be blaming mil here except that there's clearly some underlying resentment for the "favouritism" you perceive she has. Yabu.

Dprince · 26/05/2012 12:12

Op you made the choice to come home, its not your mils fault.

helenthemadex · 26/05/2012 12:22

its hard to say if yabu or not to be honest, because it was a special party it would not really have been possible or reasonable to take a 16month old for the whole event, so you had arranged childcare

If MIL had offered to care for dd then she should have said to bil that she was doing so, but maybe she didnt think it would be an issue having the two of them. I think she was a bit unfair saying it was best you take dd home knowing it would be almost impossible to find anyone else so effectively your evening out with dh at your mothers special party was ruined

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