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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be letting my 3.2 year old cry it out?

46 replies

willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 20:36

Please be gentle oh god I'm going to get flamed

DD co-slept with me and DH until she was 18 months, we then lay beside her until now. Her sleep is getting worse, takes about 1 hour plus for her to go to sleep and she wakes most nights.

We have 2 older children and I am pregnant. The evening bedtime is having a negative knock on effect on us all and we need to deal with this before dc4 is born.

I'm sitting here listening to her cry, scream, shout....she needs a wee, a poo, shes sorry Sad, shes scares etc.

So?

OP posts:
Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 20:44

Oh no this is hard. Sad

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 25/05/2012 20:45

oh go to her :(

maybe try a gradual withdrawal type thing?

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 25/05/2012 20:46

I have no experience of this but I'd think she'll exhaust herself pretty quickly.
It must be horrible for all of you though Sad
How about controlled crying instead? I intend trying it with DS after our hols but he's only 9m so different to your situation.
I'm sure more helpful people will be along with advice soon Smile

Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 20:48

Honestly thisisyesterday I just don't think that will work with her. She is so stroppy and head strong. Short term pain.... long term gain.

OP posts:
maddening · 25/05/2012 20:48

can you try the kissing game method?

you give her a kiss goodnight and say you'll be back in a minute to give her another kiss, come back within a minute and give her another kiss goodnight. Tell her if she is quiet and tries to go to sleep then you'll be back in a couple of minutes to give her another kiss - go back 2 mins later. Then keep repeating but extending the time before you go back (not sure whether you tell them it's a longer time or not)

also there is the australian baby whisperer method which works by doing role plays with teddies and putting them to bed throughout the day and pretending they are crying and going in to resettle them then following the same routine with dc at night.

Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 20:49

Ican we have both been up a handful of times, I went once to cuddle her and tell her to lie down, DH has been as she needs a poo/wee etc.

OP posts:
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 25/05/2012 20:49

Is she still crying?

Jinsei · 25/05/2012 20:49

Sorry, but I think yabu. She is only little, and she has grown up not having to sleep alone. You need to gradually get her used to sleeping more independently, but I don't think it's fair to suddenly withdraw and leave her to cry. She will feel like she is being punished, and it really isn't her fault.

Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 20:50

I like that idea maddening - the kissing. I don't know wether to just keep going or stop? help.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/05/2012 20:50

Oh I wouldn't Sad even less so than when they are younger in some ways.

Can you explain that you will come and kiss her before you go to bed? Our 3.10 year old finds that very reassuring if he is having trouble dropping off.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 25/05/2012 20:51

Sorry - x posts.

If you feel that this is the way that she'll respond to best then stick at it. Just do not back down otherwise next time you try to get bedtime sorted will be even harder.

Xx

maddening · 25/05/2012 20:55

if you are going to do it you have to be consistent with whichever method you choose - if you are going to switch methods do it sooner rather than later and stick to it . Good luck

ps I know I'll be you in a couple of years as 16mo ds is asleep next to me

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 25/05/2012 20:55

When my HV was talking me through it, she said the same person has to do it until they fall asleep, but not necessarily the same person every night.
It seems that she'll think she's won daddy over if you've put her to bed them he goes up to her, or vice versa.

If you google it there will be proper instructions with times and things.

thisisyesterday · 25/05/2012 20:56

i wouldn't keep going. as jinsei says, she has grown up having someone with her to fall asleep with.
it's unfair to just decide one day that she can't, and to leave her crying.

i would go and give her a cuddle

WenTheEternallySurprised · 25/05/2012 20:58

Regardless of whether people think it's ok or not to allow a child to cry it out (and tbh I think that the majority view on MN - or at least the most vociferous - is that it's not ok), I can tell you this much -

It works.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 25/05/2012 20:59

It would depend, for me, whether I though she understood and whether it was genuine upset or just a tantrum type thing.

The thing is though - it really just depends on the child doesn't it. They all respond to different things. Have you tried a reward chart? Or another 'bribe'? (stay in your own bed & tomorrow we can do x). Does she have a clock in her room? If she does, tell her you will come back everytime the the big hand gets to 12, 3, 6 9 (usually watching the clock makes them drift off!!).

I agree that you need to get it sorted, but you both have to remember that you were the ones who chose to co-sleep then lay in her room with her until she went to sleep and you are the ones changing the rules now - quite hard for a 3 year old to adjust to :(

I can't believe you did all of this when you have older children - I thought you'd have known bette3r Grin Good Luck! x

Noqontrol · 25/05/2012 21:04

Ouch, I feel your pain. I did cc with both dc, well sort of. They were 11 months so a lot younger. I went in every 5 mins to reassure them though, I didn't just leave them to it. I think the important thing is to be confident in what you're doing. Otherwise they pick up on that and makes things so much harder.

Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 21:08

I don't know if this happened because she has worn herself out but after reading views on here, I decided to try the kidding method. By the 3rd kiss she was asleep, I can't actually believe she lay down in bed when I said, shall we play a game. Smile I feel like the meanest mummy.Sad

OP posts:
pointythings · 25/05/2012 21:16

If you're doing the kissing method then you are not being mean, you will be doing gentle and gradual withdrawal. Keep it up, I hope it will keep working for you - it's a kind method that will reassure your DD.

startail · 25/05/2012 21:20

No it's too hot and too light.

Original poster
willyoustillloveme · 25/05/2012 21:21

Thanks pointy, yes I think we will keep it up. Smile

OP posts:
noobydoo · 25/05/2012 21:25

I sympathise - our DS1 is going through the same thing at the moment (although he never co-slept). They always know what to say to pull at our heart strings but if you give in to it all the time then she will just be confused of what is expected of her.

janelikesjam · 25/05/2012 21:28

I don't believe in crying it out at any age - but I do sympathise with your position.

I think you need to be creative with this and perhaps think of different ideas to deal with this.

Perhaps sleeping in the same bedroom as your older children would help.

Noqontrol · 25/05/2012 21:31

Sleeping with the older children is a nice idea. It might make your dd feel less lonely.

accountantsrule · 25/05/2012 21:38

I can speak from experience, controlled crying does work, it can take a long time but it really does work. They need to know you have not just left them but you must follow the instructions properly. The sleep clinic at your health centre can help, they did with us. We were at our wits end and fed up of being up for 2 hours in the middle of the night.

I would never let them cry out as it is very hard for them to calm down once they have been crying for so long.