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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell a father who only commits to 52 days a year to fuck off?

30 replies

bogeyface · 25/05/2012 00:15

52 days.

26 weekends.

Thats all he sees them. And yet I am being unreasonable because I wont change weekends at a couple of days notice. I am a bitch and doing it to deliberately get at him. Not because I hate seeing my children upset and crying because Daddy isnt fetching them this weekend despite promising he would.

He doesnt do it that often, but I NEVER do it! Why? Because he knows he has the power. He can refuse to fetch them, be out if I took them over and I can do nothing about it.

WIBU to tell him no, when he is trying to ditch the kids again because his married GF has managed to get a weekend away?

PS, I dont care that she is married apart from the fact that it means that everything is last minute and he thinks nothing of dumping the kids to get his dick dipped :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 00:17

PPS He could see them more but doesnt, it is in our divorce that I have given him unlimited access. And he doesnt attend anything, school, concerts, sports events etc. Again, he could but he wont.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 25/05/2012 00:20

Oh poor you and poor DC, that's rotten. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do legally to make him see DC, but if you stop access, he can take you back to court.

Dee03 · 25/05/2012 00:26

A lot of men are such dicks,
Your poor dc

In 9 years ive never changed a contact weekend....ever!!!! Xp on the other hand used to let our ds down all the time as he got private cash jobs on saturdays so would pick him up after that and just have him 1 night every 2 weeks....but would never increase my maintenance!!

Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 00:26

It never got to court in the first place and I wont stop him seeing them, never have. To be fair, if I say no then he will see the kids over her, but it just seems wrong that I get this abuse about trying to ruin his life, when I am not!

He will hold it against me for ages, which really annoys me, when I never ask him for favours and I have never changed weekends on him. He does it 3/4 times a year though which doesnt sound much but it really upsets the kids when to them, it is set in stone. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 00:30

Oh and by "seeing the kids" they will go over there and have tea then DC1 will babysit all evening while he sees her and then he comes back at midnight, squiffy. Grandad does most of the care on the Saturday and then he goes out and DC1 babysits again :(

OP posts:
bochead · 25/05/2012 07:57

Are the kids being left overnight with a drunk?

How old are the children?

You've a much bigger issue than him prioritising his dick over the kids. You are both knowingly putting those kids at risk.

I'm a firm believer that children have a RIGHT not to be left in the care of a drunk as it isn't safe at all, (& what's more the judge backed me up!) Booze & childcare don't mix.

Think what you like about him, but at least the father in that tragic house fire case where 6 kids died recently was sober enough to make heroic efforts to TRY and save his kids, (even if ultimately he didn't succeed poor man).

squeakytoy · 25/05/2012 08:19

oh get off the high horse there bochead.. she said squiffy, not completely rat arsed, and there are plenty of parents who go out for an evening, leaving kids with a babysitter, have a few drinks and come home.

not saying it is right that he goes out when he should be spending time with his kids, but having a dig at OP is unfair there..

mummymeister · 25/05/2012 08:58

ultimately he is the loser. they will grow up and realise he couldnt give a stuff about them really and it will be at a time when he wants them to care about him and they wont. stick to your guns - an arrangement is an arrangement and he must have them. dont let his behaviour cause you any more grief. you arent with him any longer and you dont have to dance to his tune anymore. this is about power in the end. he wants it over you so dont let him have it.

Olympia2012 · 25/05/2012 09:11

She said dc1 is in charge, so assume teens?

Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 09:16

No they are not left with a drunk, because he doesnt get drunk, I did say squiffy and because he lives with his teetotal dad. But exFIL has evening commitments and is usually out too until 11 ish.

Thanks for the replies. I just get so mad that he thinks that 2 days notice is fine, and if I insist on keeping to arrangements then I am doing it just to screw up his life. He manages to convince himself that the kids are fine, and I am just using them as an excuse so stop him seeing his GF. He almost ruined a major occasion that had been arranged for weeks by announcing that actually he needed to change weekends as his GF had booked a hotel for them and she couldnt change it as it was the only weekend her husband was away and she didnt have her kids! It was my fault they couldnt go because I expected him to stick to the arrangements we had, not his/her fault for leaving it until the last minute, dropping me in the shit and expecting me to be fine about it! She was vile about me after that too, slagging me off all over the place!

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 09:18

Sorry, yes DC is mid teens and very responsible, she babysits for friends of mine and is much sought after! He pays her but still.....:(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/05/2012 09:18

how old are the kids Bogey?

also, if he is meant to be looking after them, and has comittments (ie cant be arsed) then it should be up to him to arrange childcare, presumably he has family who would like to see the kids, and there is his dad too..

Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 09:21

He only has them 52 days in a year. Can he not conduct his love life in the other 300 odd days?

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 09:22

They are school age Squeaky.

as I said DD babysits in the evening and his dad is there the rest of the time, so they are looked after, but they just dont see much of him which is the whole point of them being there!

OP posts:
rhibutterfly · 25/05/2012 09:23

I,d rat on the married GF for being such a bitch

squeakytoy · 25/05/2012 09:27

I agree with you, he should be there, but seeing other family members can also be good for them. Better them to be with someone who does want to see them, than someone who is just doing it because he "has" to.

HandMadeTail · 25/05/2012 09:30

What about saying, yes, that's fine, but asking him to explain to the children?

Its just an idea, as it's not something I have experience with, but I do feel for your children.

Olympia2012 · 25/05/2012 09:31

Are you ok with the eldest babysitting? How old is she?school age I know, but how old?

Nyac · 25/05/2012 09:36

From what you've said about the situation, YANBU.

Pseudo341 · 25/05/2012 09:39

I wouldn't start telling him he can't see them, he'll probably start insisting he sees them more just to piss you off rather than out of any interest in the kids, better they don't end up in a tug of war. I think in your position your best bet is to never count on him to take them, always have an exciting back up plan for when he lets them down at short notice, and let him drift away until they decide not to bother with him anymore. Given enough time it sounds like he's enough of a cock that the kids will figure it out by themselves, if you try to get rid of him to protect them he'll end up being even more of a cock and they'll get more hurt in the process.

Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 09:39

The eldest is 15 Olympia. She actually likes babysitting as she get paid for it, but thats not really the point is it?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 25/05/2012 09:42

Just checking she wasn't 10 or something.

Original poster
bogeyface · 25/05/2012 10:02

I woudnt allow that!

OP posts:
looktoshinford · 25/05/2012 10:18

YABU - an opportunity has come up that means he needs this weekend. He isn't dropping a weekend, just shifting it, but it sounds like you kicked up a stink for no reason (unless you had big plans yourself for the weekend?) and forced an argument.

And now you are making out he isn't doing a good job looking after the kids.

YABU.

bochead · 25/05/2012 10:35

I wouldn't stop the visits, as they enjoy the time with Grandad, but I wouldn't go out of my way to pretend the primary purpose of the visit was to see their Dad either. One day as grown adults the kids will call both of you to account for your parenting & it isn't your job to justify his actions at that point.

I think it's great when kids have a good relationship with extended family & generally only ever seems to do both parties the world of good - especially during the teen years. Grandparents have an amazing ability at mentoring adolescents thru rebellious phases & out the other side.

Make sure arrangements suit Grandad though as this should be something both he and kids look forward to, not an onerous obligation to him iyswim.

If the 15 year old is happy to be paid to baby sit then let her - you know she can be trusted better than anyone & it'd be grim if he suddenly started using someone you did worry wasn't reliable. However at 15 she has her own life, friends, exams et all so if for any reason she finds it inconvenient one weekend support her in pursuing her OWN interests as at the end of the day his kids= his own responsility & she's entitled to enjoy her own youth.

I'm a lone parent without access to overnight carers so have to be virtually teetotal - that's just how it is when you are responsible for kids. No high horse involved, you aren't allowed to drive under the influence so you shouldn't be in sole charge of kids either - it really is that simple.