Aibu to find motherhood lonely?

[hudjes]

am I the only one to find motherhood lonely? I am on mat leave with a 11 month old baby daughter and everybody tells me to go to baby groups and classes and find mum friends. So I have been doing so, bumps and babies, baby sensory, sing and sign, net mums etc etc and my efforts have come to nothing, in finding like minded mum friends. I meet up with somebody, for coffee say, and despite contacting them, don't hear from them again.

I am shy, and I suppose that doesn't help. In normal life I would just do my own thing and not worry about making friends, so why is it suddenly so imperative to make friends when you have a little one? I still go to the classes, as my daughter seems to get something out of it, but feel down when I see groups of mums having a coffee together. Or mention on here the mum friends they spend time with.

Have very little family around and have just moved away, so the friends I already have, I see less of as they live further away.

I'd enjoy maternity leave more, if there wasn't this pressure to find mum friends. Aibu?

No, YANBU. I didn't really make "mum" friends - there was a group of four of us, but I never felt close to them, still don't! Don't assume all the groups you see are close to each other.

I can't think of anything helpful to say, sorry! Just that you're not alone. I hated coffee groups etc.

I found it lonely in some ways at that age. But I relished the solitude also. Its a really special time. I found the main relationship I was making was with my baby, so others, whilst important for general chit chat were more peripheral. Friendships and relationships take energy, and as a single parent, I only had so much.

I don't know what the answer is but I feel for you. I dont think you are alone in feeling like this. I know I do at times, motherhood can be lonely. NO advice on how to improve things tho

Actually, my one piece of advice would be to stop putting pressure on yourself to make new friends. Towards the end of my maternity leave, I stopped going to the coffee groups if I didn't want to go, and just spent time on my own with my little girl, going for walks, out for lunch, picnics etc.

MUCH preferred that. Maybe you are just a more solitary type, like me - there's nothing wrong with that. And you don't get this special time back.

YABU to think there's pressure. Personally, I enjoyed having an excuse to get out of the house and, with most of my friends having jobs at the time, the only people around available to socialise with were other mums. Didn't make any lasting friendships but at least I know a few more people to nod to on the street. If you're not the sociable type stay home but then don't complain you're lonely.

You sound like you feel more under pressure that you should make friends than to actually want to make them. If that's the case then just relax, there are plenty of good people out there who will come into your life at some point. Maybe you'll, like me, suddenly find a lovely group of people at the school gate.

I positively disliked the coffee mornings and baby groups. Fortunately DD didn't seem to get much out of them either, so we went to the occasional one to show our faces, but spent way more time in the park, walking the dog, saying a friendly hello to strangers which somehow felt like good social interaction. Being with DD was all the company I really needed/wanted. It was a lovely time and now I'm starting to face playdates and birthday parties i look back with a lot of fondness!

yanbu

since having babies I have experienced a new level of loneliness!

then again, I had a different level as a singleton in my 20s

life is lonely. fact! xxx

Thanks all for your messages. It sounds like I should chill out a bit more and go with the flow. And that others feel the same way as me a bit.

You are not alone. I don't have mum friends. I have acquaintances who I talk towith children but nobody to have play dates with or go for coffee with. I tried the hroups but found I was alone as cliques had established. It's the same at the nursery now. I talk to two of the mums who stay on a Wednesday for Language and Play but while they seem like friends, I feel like a tagalong. The one mum only lives six or so doors up and although I dropped a play date into the conversation she's said nothing. She doesn't walk home with us etc. I'm just resigned to being a loner, me!

Do youwant to make mum friends OP or are you quite happy with your non mum friends?

Same here OP. I'm 4 months into my maternity leave and have yet to make new mum friends. I do try too, going to the baby groups and such but although there are nice ladies who go (and some a bit cliquey) I have yet to forge any proper friendships which makes me quite sad.

I don't mind sometimes, l quite enjoy pottering about with my little one and find that going out can be quite stressful as I do not have an 'easy' baby and a mini baby meltdown is never far away. But sometimes I do wish I had a like minded person to talk to.

So, YANBU!

YANBU I find it hard to make new friends, I've tried spending time with the women from my ante natal group but always feel like the odd one out.

I'm almost 100% sure it's my fault, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I feel for you OP...two of my best friends had babies within days of me and I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen them since my DD was born.

It is lonely, especially if you have a demanding baby, meeting ny friends gets me down because their babies sleep, whereas mine must be spawn of the devil doesn't!
Mumsnet is a great place though, you will never be lonely while you have us!!!

YANBU.

I agree there can be pressure to go out to baby groups. I've had plenty of people say things like 'You should go to lots of baby groups, I did when x was a baby and I made friends with lots of other mums who've been my bestest friends now for years and years'.

Makes me feel a bit inadequate because I've not managed to get beyond a casual acquaintance stage with any of the mums I've met at these groups. DS seems to like going different places though, so at least one of us is getting something out of it!

I'm a bit confused to be honest - you say you find motherhood lonely, and express disappointment that you haven't found kindred spirits and say you feel down when you see other groups of mums together. And then you say you'd be happier without the pressure to make friends. Sounds like two different problems.

Sereneswan, I can't speak for the OP, but when I'm feeling lonely and a bit rubbish about not having made any mum friends, it only makes me feel worse when people start going on about how I should be making lots of mum friends at baby groups.

Because then not only am I lonely, I must surely be a failure at socialising with other mums, as all these other people seem to manage it with no bother.

Thanks for the further messages.

Revolution confirmed - I would say yes, I would like some mum friends, for coffee with etc, but had low expectations for, as well as being shy, am deaf. But since having my daughter was told I would enter a totally new world, with mum friends, so I suppose, expected something that wasn't realistic. The other thing is, being an older mum, my friends have long since had their babies!

I don't feel so alone when I've had a busy week, doing things that my daughter gets something out of, like baby sign and musical bumps, as she can hear.

You are not alone. I imagine a lot of the mums who appear to be in the cliques also feel quite lonely too. Appearances can be deceptive. They may also have lived there a while and be on a second or third etc baby so know a few faces already.

My experience is that it takes a while to build up real friendships. If you do want to build up some friendships then make a specific invite or ask what day would suit and make a specific arrangement. "You must come for coffee sometime" is not as effective as "Would you like to come for a coffee on Wednesday?" or "What days are you free for coffee?"

It is not written in the rule book that you must socialise though. Other friendships will form more naturally as you go through the next few years and wait outside playgroups or nurseries or schools etc.

I ended up volunteering to help at a baby group.
I'm not good at "making friends" so having a role (putting out toys) made me feel like I belonged with out the pressure to be a stylish/together/kind/funny/proper mum.

I've also started to go to things that are a bit more niche. So general baby groups leave me feeling a bit scared cause I don't know what to talk about however going to sling meet meant I could talk about slings.

On the other hand if you just want to hang with your baby do it!

X posted with serene swan. Miss linnet summed it up well.
Hazchem. Yes, am trying to find things that interest me, like arty stuff, with babies but that's a bit thin on the ground.

Thanks for all your messages!

Reading again what everyone has said, thanks for sharing your experiences, and words of advice.

I feel a lot better.

I found maternity leave quite lonely. I have no family close by & friends had pretty much been all through work. They pretty much seemed to disappear.
There was a breakthrough at baby weighing clinic when I broke down in tears. Lack of sleep & feeling lonely was a killer. The hv found a baby group starting a few weeks later. It was for 6 weeks & then there wasn't anything else specifically for babies. The mums were nice but no one really made friends.
I decided in the end to just treasure the time with ds & speak to mum & sisters a lot on the phone.
I know a lot of the problem for me was where I live,if I was in a different area it would have all been different.
Don't feel under pressure. Mn is always here & it's been great for me.

Do something that's not for "mums" then...I am like you...shy and find it all a bit hard....but I stopped all the trying to make Mum friends and just got a hobby...I have met some people who are like me and love the same things...

Yes I found the first 4 years very lonely. Even if you do go to a class or something, you've still got another 5 hours to fill the rest of the day, trying to think what to do.

I did spend time with other mums I had nothing in common with. Some of them were so awful in hindsight, I don't know why I did.

Over the years I've come out with two really nice friends and our children are friends which is lovely.

Now mine's at school I feel no obligation at all to make mum type friends and seem to have reverted to doing things I used to do with the kinds of people I used to get on with.

Hang in there!

I didn't like doing the baby group thing either when Dc were little. But I did want to meet other mums so I went to that netmums place where they have the meet a mum boards in your local area. I found it easier to meet up with mums on a one to one, who were in the same boat and wanted to meet other mums too. And I did meet some really special people who I'm still close to now years later. Maybe worth a go?