Aibu to find motherhood lonely?

[hudjes]

am I the only one to find motherhood lonely? I am on mat leave with a 11 month old baby daughter and everybody tells me to go to baby groups and classes and find mum friends. So I have been doing so, bumps and babies, baby sensory, sing and sign, net mums etc etc and my efforts have come to nothing, in finding like minded mum friends. I meet up with somebody, for coffee say, and despite contacting them, don't hear from them again.

I am shy, and I suppose that doesn't help. In normal life I would just do my own thing and not worry about making friends, so why is it suddenly so imperative to make friends when you have a little one? I still go to the classes, as my daughter seems to get something out of it, but feel down when I see groups of mums having a coffee together. Or mention on here the mum friends they spend time with.

Have very little family around and have just moved away, so the friends I already have, I see less of as they live further away.

I'd enjoy maternity leave more, if there wasn't this pressure to find mum friends. Aibu?

I think until now I've been in positions where you are put together with others out of which friendships can spring - school, college, uni, work - now suddenly you have to go out and seek contact - and with other mum's it can be quite tricky - you go to a baby group but it closes in holidays or is a 6 week course, nap times change and either you or mum's you chat to just stop going, other mum's go back to work etc etc so you aren't a group of people shoved together like other situations and it can be quite daunting I find.

I'm not from the area I live in and for 4 years before ds came along had continued with all my friends in my old town as I still worked there - now having taken redunancy and become a sahm for now I definitely feel lonely as my work friends all carry on without me and busy-ness of life sees weeks and months go by without seeing people I used to see daily - and a ds who cosleeps and bf's means going out in the evening isn't really an option etc etc

At the same time it's all so fluid with a baby - nothing stays the same and groups you go to change all the time as well as the amount of monitoring your lo needs at these groups so you do get to chat more - and that means that there's more chance of striking a connection with someone and maybe even gaining a new friend along the way....

I've been going to toddler group in the hope I won't be so lonely. Instead it just runs it in my face
I don't get to the school hate either so only ever talk to shop keepers.

I found it terribly lonely, to the point I still sometimes panic about having to spend a say alone with DD.

I'm back at work full time now and a much better mother for it. I am always fun mummy now, not sad mummy craving any kind of adult conversation.

Rubs and gate

I found it tereribly lonely.
Have you rung your local himestart? They might run a suitable group or could match you with a volunteer to go to those sometimes bloooooody awful groups with. I feel your pain!! I did ante natal, craft courses, play groups. So cliquey and depressing.
Never met snyone i would want to see again.

hudjes, don't feel too bad about this. Maternity leave will be over and you will go back to more or less normal life, talking to adults again. And friends found during baby-related activities can be hard to keep. When babies are young, particularly if they are the first, it can be intensely interesting to talk about them and share the experiences with others. But, at least in my experience, the novelty does wear off and you end up wanting to talk about something else. But this is not always possible with baby group friends.

Have you got any other friends, "normal" non-baby ones? Stick to them. If not, then I guess you are doing the right thing trying to make some. Unfortunately, making friends can be very difficult for adults.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences.
Psod - yes I have some friends, now I have moved further away, it takes more effort to keep in touch but they've made plans to stay over or we meet up halfway.
Kennyp - that's a good idea about homestart, will find out more
Bronze, your first sentence sums it up exactly how I feel.
Noquotrol - ha ha yes I tried net mums -got to meet 2 mums, but since they have big families, their time is more restricted and meet ups have been very infrequent. Will keep looking.
Everybody else, it's been so interesting reading about your experiences and feel that I am not alone in this period of adjustment and to hang in there. I go back to work part time in 2 months so hopefully those feelings will lessen.

TED Talk about parenting taboos and the isolation of motherhood.

I found the first half of my first maternity leave a really lonely and rather depressing experience. I spent that time desperately trying to connect with mums and failing abjectly. E.g. I totally didn't fit in with my NCT group, and bizarrely I wasn't great at being 'mummy friends' with my existing mates who had had babies! I then decided after about 6 months to just to my own thing during the day, also the best times were had with friends who didn't have children in tow.
In hindsight, I realise that I was very much the problem, I found talking about babies intensely boring so that didn't endear me to the mummy crowd, hence why I ended up by hanging out with child free friends (fortunately I had a few mates who were self employed so able to meet up for lunch etc.). I had even become slightly alienated from my old friends who had recently become mums due to my unwillingness to talk about babies.

So I focused on my little one, and had regular daytime meet ups with my child free friends where possible. I then focused on keeping up my friendships with my old mates who had become mums by seeing them without our children, say in the evenings (my DH would babysit of course).

Second time round I think I and my old mates who had become mums have mellowed a bit. They don't seem too keen to constantly discuss the contents of nappies and nap times, and I've chilled out a bit.

I still haven't made any real friends from playgroups though there are lots of mums I'm now on nodding terms with. I do think the whole playgroup / baby class construct is just too artificial for my liking. Maybe they work for some, but not for me. Having said that, I do enjoy attending my local church baby group, but my connections there are very superficial.

in my first maternity leave I went to a LOT of museums and galleries. Babies are so portable, and provided you don't get too hung up on nap times the it can be a lifeline during mat leave.

I'm now on my second mat leave, and so far am thoroughly enjoying it, possibly because I don't have the sky high expectations I did first time round.

Just go with the flow,enjoy your baby - they really do stay small for such a short time. If you really are not enjoying it, well there is always full time employment...

Yeah I found it hard at these groups - in that all everyone else wanted to talk about was baby/toddler stuff. Much as I love my kids, I like to talk about other things (books/movies etc . . .) I did meet 2 mums who I got on well with (one was a real movie buff like me which was great !) but they both moved away . . . sigh.
I really hate the pressure you feel (and a few other people have mentioned it too) to make friends with all the other mothers - a lot of mums I met the only thing essentially we had in common is DC's, and not the sort of people I'd be friends with if we were childfree ? nothing wrong with them, (or me) just different people. It's like at work - you don't expect to be friends with absolutley all your workmates do you ? often the only thing you have with most of them is your job. And no one worries about that. Anyway, hope this makes sense ! Don't worry OP !
Adverse - matching outfits !??! WTF ???

All the threads are very reassuring in terms of feeling a little 'out of it' since being a Mum. I have an 8 months old fab little girl who sleep through the night and is very sociable. I feel very lucky indeed to have such a good baby. (seriously not wanting to sound smug at all)
I go to various yoga/massage groups ect and I always sense pressure from other Mums to form groups that stick together at each group, it feels false somehow that just coz now youre a Mum you Must make friends at all these groups and mingle with these people that on another social level I find some of them very dull indeed! ooops eeek. (especailly ones with Kath Kitson everything!!!! meaow!!) But my darling gets lots out of these groups and I try to arrange to meet up with own mates after. But I understand that there is a pressure there, but you know what, the right people come and go at the right time in your life. This time with your darling is sooo precious right now. You will attract the right friends at the right time, just go with the flow. (Not offense meant re: Kath Kitson lovers)!! bit taky though eh??

YANBU

I have never done the mum-friends thing and my dcs are now 10, 8 and 3. I went to some baby groups etc if I felt like it, but am also uncomfortable with the whole meeting up for coffee thing.

I am the same with the school run. There are a couple of mums I chat to if I happen to be standing near them, but am happy with my own company. A lot of the mums from my ds's classes organise nights out on a fairly regular basis. They used to give me an invite for the first couple of years, but don't bother anymore and that's fine by me. To be honest there seems to be a fair amount of in-fighting and bitchiness that goes along with being part of the group and I'd rather not be involved with that. There's no reason to think we would get along as friends just because our children happen to be the same age or in the same class.

There are no rules and I think the pressure comes from feeling like you have to fit the social 'norm' (whatever that it) because you see others doing it. You don't, just be yourself, do what you feel comfortable doing and enjoy this special time with your dd.

Personally, I prefer to MN and pick what threads/discussions I join than feel like have to spend half my life talking about babies/nappies etc just because I'm a mum.

Hi janeplanet-couldn't open that link
Sailor vie - I didn't fit in my NCT group either. Individually some of them seemed ok, but en masse they were a bit intimidating. I felt the pressure to be like them, in the end gave up as they just talked to each other. They seemed to 'click' with each other straightaway.
Adversecamber - it's a good idea courses with a free creche. Strangely enough I'm in a town that is popular with a huge number of families and my local adult education college does not have a creche. I'll have to keep persevering.
Jermima - yes I see mums making a beeline for each other at classes It's like they feel they have safety in numbers.
I've been looking up art galleries and places of interest in the area and so will have my 'fix' of art and crafts then hope I'll get some perspective.
Thanks again all.