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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this girl's mother pathetic?!

44 replies

WondaMumma · 23/05/2012 20:33

Sorry - long I don't want to drip feed!

So my daughter is in yr 4 at school and has been best friends with the same girl since reception. This year another child has tried to push herself in on the friendship, not a problem, however, she is a total bitch to my daughter. Her mother encourages this behaviour and has been seen giving my nine year old the evil eye! my daughters friend is quite happy being friends with both girls, but, said child finds it necessary to approach my daughter's friend and physically pull her away from my daughter. If she is not included in something she runs away crying?

Both our children do trampolining after school, her daughter has been doing it for years, mine joined this year. My daughter mentioned it to her friend who came along too as a result. All of a sudden the spoilt child's mother approached my daughters friends mum and begged her to allow my daughters friend to go home from school with her, in order that they may attend trampolining together.

If my daughter attempts to talk to her friend at trampolining, the other girl pulls her away and gives My daughter dirty looks etc. On Monday, the mother has asked the other girl round to her house after school to make sure that she did not attend trampolining, where she would have the option of playing with my child. The daughter told my daughter, "I'm going to make sure I get x all to myself".

This same behaviour happened last year at school with the said girl imposing on two other girls friendships. AIBU to think that her mother is messed up in the head for encouraging this type of behaviour, and WIBU to stoop to her level and encourage lots of play dates and not invite her daughter...?!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/05/2012 20:39

My honest advice (as a mother of 3) is to back off and leave them alone.

Yes the other Mother sounds like an interfering helicopter parent, but why would you want to be like that?

Friendships come and go in junior school, there's really no point in interfering...just be there for your DD to talk to/vent with.

mynewpassion · 23/05/2012 20:41

Won't you be pathetic if you do the same thing?

Cassettetapeandpencil · 23/05/2012 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whothefuckputmeincharge · 23/05/2012 20:43

What Worra said.

Best thing you can do as a parent to junior school kids is to encourage a variety of friends so they never get isolated. Kids are fickle.

Original poster
WondaMumma · 23/05/2012 20:45

Yes I think I would be pathetic if I did the same thing but I'm so pissed off that a grown woman can behave in this way!

Her daughter is clearly not capable of making her own friends due to her mother constantly getting involved and interfering, but why should my daughter loose out on her close friendship because of this! Which is what is making me think I should not stand by and let her be treated like this - by a grown woman!

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 23/05/2012 20:46

Support your daughter, let her make up her own mind about what is where and who is doing what, try to be as neutral as possible and let be. Bloody hard, but the fact is that the fought over child is not doing anything either.

Original poster
WondaMumma · 23/05/2012 20:49

Cassette, I spoke to the crazy mother and suggested meeting with all three kids etc, she said was good idea, then completely avoided me and began to involve herself more and more with the other child! I am going to speak to the fought over child's parents, the child even looks uncomfortable when she is physically dragged away!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/05/2012 20:49

You also have to feel sorry for your DD's friend though.

She clearly likes them both and I doubt she's going to want to be pulled between you and the other Mum like a tug of war.

They're nearly at the end of yr 4 now so another two years and they'll all be off to senior school anyway...and making more new friends/attending different schools.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 23/05/2012 21:00

I think you sound quite unreasonable too tbh...especially with phrases like "Imosing on other girls friendships" being bandied about. Girls are best encouraged to have lots of friends....have a word with the teacher to help the girls get along better. As Worra says, by the end of primary the children will manage their own frendships and parents won't find it so easy to micro-manage. It's a learning curve for all involved.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 23/05/2012 21:00

imposing not imosing!

RandomNumbers · 23/05/2012 21:07

ugh at a nine year old being described as a bitch

perhaps the third child, who is being ''fought over'' finds your DD to be over possessive, (best friends since blah blah)and her parents are encouraging other, less ''exclusive'' friendships and widening her social circle

toobreathless · 23/05/2012 21:12

I think you need to leave well alone. I would encourage DD to make other friendships, maybe join another activity? Brownies? Street dance? Crafty activity?

The other girl & her mother sound rather unpleasant. Best to let things slowly die down now, their behaviour will only get worse as the girls become teens!

youarekidding · 23/05/2012 21:21

Sounds like the girl in the middle needs advice on how not to be manipulated and in standing up for herself.

The other girl can only physically drag her away if she lets her and doesn't ask for adult support to stop it happening.

I also agree your DD will benefit from a range of friends and wider friendship group so by all means arrange lot's of 'playdates' but with different children and with the idea of helping your DD socialise not as a one-upmanship.

Softlysoftly · 23/05/2012 21:24

Is your reliable source of information a nine year old? Have you seen this evil eye and the begging or is it playground hearsay?

Because looking at this another way your dd and the new girl are both jealous of the others friendship, fought over child is stuck in the middle, new girls mother has zero clue this is all going on and has asked fought over friend over to play as her dd has asked her to ask and told her the girl wants to come play.

Don't you remember being a young girl at school? The complexities total evilness of relationships. TBH listen to your dd, try and widen her circle of friends and butt out leaving them to sort it out. The more involved you get the more nuts you sounds to be perfectly frank!

HandMadeTail · 23/05/2012 21:29

Girls often have friendship difficulties at this age.

Be there for her by listening when she wants to talk about it. Only give advice if asked directly for it, and don't interfere, unless there is outright bullying.

In the meantime, ensure your DD has a wide enough circle of friends so that she is not always reliant on this one girl.

Noqontrol · 23/05/2012 21:36

Ahh, my dd has had a similar problem at school as well. I've just tried to encourage her to understand 3 is not a crowd, and also that it's ok to have lots of friendships, not just one. It is hard but I think other posters are right to say back off a bit. Kids work it out for themselves, it's all part of their learning really.

Original poster
WondaMumma · 23/05/2012 21:37

Actually my daughter has many friends and she just walks away when this happens and plays with somebody else, but why should she have to come home feeling sad and upset because an adult has got involved like this!! My OH saw the evil eye and various dirty looks, this is when we realised there was a problem, had I have seen them I would have pulled her up on it!

I'm not very good at explaining the situation, but it is like some sort of sick obsession! My child cannot even bound into school happily and say hello to her friend without the other one giving the dirtiest look and pulling the friend away.... I may add that she does this to everybody that tries to get friendly with this particular girl, forgive me if IABU but I think it's totally weird and ott that the mother has got involved to the extent that she has!

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 23/05/2012 21:51

I don't think YABU. I don't really know what else you can do though. I guess the other girl is really struggling with friendships too, hence the mothers interference maybe. Could you make a real effort to be friendly to the other mother, invite both girls round, things like that? The problem isn't going to go away, so as far as I can see you're going to have to work with it as best you can. It's sad for your daughter but the best you can do is support her to deal with this.

Noqontrol · 23/05/2012 21:53

Can the teachers offer any support in the school to make sure there's no bad behaviour going on there?

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2012 21:57

Surely the Girl In The Middle's mother knows what's going on?
In which case, she's either bothered and will deal with it, or isn't and is leaving it up to her daughter.

You, however, should just encourage your daughter to have a wide circle of friends and even be pleasant to this other girl.

Emmielu · 23/05/2012 22:03

Yabu regarding the bitch comment. After that I couldn't take you seriously. However, friendships change & you'll find your DD will decide if this bothers her enough to do something about it.

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2012 22:10

If your DD has 'many friends and just walks away when this happens and plays with someone else'....then what is the problem?

Why not invite her many friends to your house instead of stooping to the other Mother's level?

I'm also thinking all the 'pulling around' of this girl might just be a teensy bit exaggerated by your DD (understandably) because she's 9yrs old and upset.

The girl is obviously happy to be 'dragged' away to play.

SodoffBaldrick · 23/05/2012 22:14

Hard as it is, I would advocate not being involved.

I was the fought over child at one point in my life - sometime during primary school, aged around 8-10. The upshot is, I am still best friends with my original friend 33 years later, and haven't a clue whatever became of pushy girl.

PatriciaHolm · 23/05/2012 22:16

You sound a bit unhinged about the whole thing, tbh. If your DD has plenty of other friends, just encourage her to play with them, this will blow itself out over time. If you get this involved when any of her friendships get awkward, you will never do anything else!

SodoffBaldrick · 23/05/2012 22:16

And if this girl really is unpleasant and evil-eyed as you say she is, then everyone else will see it and not want a part of it.

Have a bit of faith in the other kids.