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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this girl's mother pathetic?!

44 replies

WondaMumma · 23/05/2012 20:33

Sorry - long I don't want to drip feed!

So my daughter is in yr 4 at school and has been best friends with the same girl since reception. This year another child has tried to push herself in on the friendship, not a problem, however, she is a total bitch to my daughter. Her mother encourages this behaviour and has been seen giving my nine year old the evil eye! my daughters friend is quite happy being friends with both girls, but, said child finds it necessary to approach my daughter's friend and physically pull her away from my daughter. If she is not included in something she runs away crying?

Both our children do trampolining after school, her daughter has been doing it for years, mine joined this year. My daughter mentioned it to her friend who came along too as a result. All of a sudden the spoilt child's mother approached my daughters friends mum and begged her to allow my daughters friend to go home from school with her, in order that they may attend trampolining together.

If my daughter attempts to talk to her friend at trampolining, the other girl pulls her away and gives My daughter dirty looks etc. On Monday, the mother has asked the other girl round to her house after school to make sure that she did not attend trampolining, where she would have the option of playing with my child. The daughter told my daughter, "I'm going to make sure I get x all to myself".

This same behaviour happened last year at school with the said girl imposing on two other girls friendships. AIBU to think that her mother is messed up in the head for encouraging this type of behaviour, and WIBU to stoop to her level and encourage lots of play dates and not invite her daughter...?!

OP posts:

Asamumnonsense · 23/05/2012 22:17

It sounds like you're both hovering and getting involved. Surely your daughter will learn to deal with that type of behaviour if it is really affecting her. Why not make new friends? you're adamant that she should remain friends with that particular girl. Surely if she walked away and if they were very good friend, the other girl would keep coming back and engage with your daughter.If your daughter finds out how you feel about this situation which I think is very xtreme, she will pick up on it and also become obsessed with it...
My daughter does go through this on and off with her friends but its part of growing up and she is learning to walk away and make other friends so she never feels isolated and enjoy most girls and boys in her class. This one to one friendship at that age, is risky and can be unhealthy

whothefuckputmeincharge · 23/05/2012 22:17

wonda describing the situation as a sick obsession says more about you and your attitudes than the girls' friendships. They haven't reached emotional maturity yet. They're learning about friendships.

YABU. For mainly sounding too involved in your daughter's friendship when she's 9 and for accusing the Mother for being messed up in the head.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/05/2012 22:18

Perhaps the other girl has had problems making friends in the past and her mum is really pleased she has one and is trying to encourage it.

My DD is 8 is in year 3 and falls in and out of friendships with sad regularity.

You have to let them get on with it. I listen to my DD's woes, and make sure she realises she needs to be kind to the others as well as wanting them to be kind to her.

pamplemousse · 23/05/2012 22:19

YABNU, it is sad as a parent to see this happening to your dd, i sympathise. My dd had the same problem with a little madam of a child (and mother) although whenever dd became friends with someone this other girl would come along and physically drag them away, bribe them with presents and was generally vile.
Can your dd do brownies or pony 'club' or something where she can socialise with other children? I have found for us that dd now has many varying friends and doesn't get so bothered by this girl any more.

SodoffBaldrick · 23/05/2012 22:20

To add, you really have to give the impression that this isn't anything to be bothered over, to your daughter.

If you're getting riled up over is, she will too, guaranteed.

This is why you need to step back, deep breath and let them get on with it. Make it out to be something to be slightly chuckled at to your DD if you need to react at all, as if it's amusing - rather than a body-blow from a mortal enemy. Downplay it.

It will diffuse the whole thing no end and make evil-eyed girl see she's getting no reaction.

Noqontrol · 23/05/2012 22:22

Oh yeah, YABU for calling her a bitch though. She might have some issues but she's just a little kid. I guess you're feeling angry and don't know how to help your dd though, which is maybe why you said that? Don't say it again though!

Mayisout · 23/05/2012 22:24

There often seemed to be friction towards the end of the final term then it is usually forgotten by September.

As long as DD's friend is going along with new bullying friend there is little you can do. Maybe DD can start mixing with new friend (anyone who lives near for playdates in the hols?).

takingiteasy · 23/05/2012 22:27

Really? They are 9 year old girls. Leave them to it.

Am I missing something but what exactly has the other girls mother done wrong other than the alleged evil eyes?

toobreathless · 23/05/2012 22:48

You need to grow up.

If DD has many friends just tell her to play with someone else & get the girls together after school/weekends or whatever.

A 9 year old girl, is not a bitch, she is a little girl behaving unpleasantly as all children sometimes do. You however are an adult & are a bitch for that comment.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 22:59

There's only one parent out of the three that is being mature.. that's the "fought over" child's mother... sounds like she is staying out of it for the most part.

Unless there is bullying involved, you have to let them find their own dynamic. Sooner or later it will sort itself out.

The evil eye thing? You do realise how utterly silly you sound mentioning this, right?

Original poster

WondaMumma · 24/05/2012 07:37

Thank you all for your advice! I think ive stayed out of it for too long though and will begin to do playdates myself....

The dragging away bit is not being exaggerated I have seen it with my own eyes! And the dragged away child looks very uncomfortable! Youarekidding, I think the little girl in the middle definitely needs advice, she looks so uncomfortable with it! I have not yet got involved hence the AIBU thread for advice, and I do appologise but when an ADULT is giving my child dirty looks and the evil eye and making her feel uncomfortable everywhere she goes then I do think I should be getting involved.

The said child does other stuff too which I couldn't be bothered to mention - tells other children not to play with my daughter, points and laughs at her when she has to stand up and do anything at school / after school, so as far as I'm concerned it IS actually bullying, and the friend thing just happens to be the icing on the cake...!

whothefuckputmeincharge really! You have a full time job, and your point is? That you don't have time to worry about the emotional stability of your children? FYI I also have a full time job, I am also in my second year of a BA degree, and I also have four children, and yes, I have time to worry enough about my children to come on mn and post for advice. I appreciate your input, but next time perhaps you should not jump to the conclusion that people who have time enough to worry about the emotional stability of their children cannot be as good as you by having a full time job and four kids. Honestly, wow.

OP posts:

FallenCaryatid · 24/05/2012 07:45

Why not talk to the teacher about your concerns?
We discourage friendships based on ownership and possessive exclusion of others. By sharing your worries with her, you bring in a neutral observer who should have the best interests of all the children as her focus, and who has the power to help things change in a positive way.

Triggles · 24/05/2012 07:58

So much for "not drip feeding" as you said in your OP.

Next time you want an objective opinion on things, it is more helpful to give all the information to start with. Otherwise it just makes it look like you're adding more fuel to the fire because you don't like the responses you're getting.

takingiteasy · 24/05/2012 09:41

So it's gone from the other mother has been seen given my daughter the evil eye (seen by who?) to dirty looks and the evil eye and making her feel uncomfortable everywhere she goes

YABU. You know you are and you're pulling everything out the hat to try and convince yourself otherwise. You're not 9, your daughter is. If there really is bullying that's a seperate issue and should be adressed as such through the school. That girls mother is pathetic. I would say you are acting in a similar manner. Stop playing tug of war friendship with a 9 year old girl.

thegreylady · 24/05/2012 11:30

I understand. When your DC is being hurt you would do anything to stop it. However the problem is one that you need to stand back from. If your DD has been friends with the other little girl since reception then I would have a chat with that mum (maybe over a coffee) and see what her perception is. Maybe she can help but ultimately little girls can be awful and a threesome is the worst combination.
Maybe have some play dates just for your DD and her friend.

wineandroses · 24/05/2012 11:54

My DD has a similar issue with someone at school, who seems to insert herself into each of my DD's friendships. When it first started happening, DD thought it was all the fault of the other girl, but she soon realised that her friend clearly wasn't unhappy about being 'fought over' and I think she was disappointed but she is handling it all quite well - we've always encouraged her to have lots of friends so that she has a variety of people to play with at school, and different people at activities such as Brownies, which helps.

It is very tempting to get involved when you see your child feeling hurt and left out, and when it looks like another child is hell-bent on breaking up their friendships. Also, this sort of thing can come close to bullying. But unless she really is being bullied, I would say keep out of it. Kids are suprisingly good at sorting this stuff out for themselves.

Pixieonthemoor · 24/05/2012 13:28

Gosh I have a similar situ at the moment except that there is no weird mother giving the evil eye in the playground! My dd is the one in the middle they are fighting over and she is getting upset as she just wishes they could all be happy and get along - she desperately doesn't want anyone to be upset. I have asked the teacher to keep an eye on the situ and try to encourage games where they play all together. I have also organised playdates.

As for people questioning the 'dragging away' issue, the same thing happens to my dd too so I quite understand. I have told her that no one has the right to physically impose themselves on her in any way and if 'no' and 'stop' don't work, she has to involve whoever is on playground duty.

I do understand when people say keep out of it but it has been going on for quite a long time with no real improvement - I certainly haven't jumped in as soon as trouble reared it's head and I dont think I have been too heavy handed. Dd just isnt capable yet of manning up and telling this girl that she doesn't like what she is doing.

Scholes34 · 24/05/2012 22:27

Similar situation for my DD, without the weird mother. Now both girls are 15, DD and the one who used to drag away and dominate the friend are best friends in Year 10 and she's a quite delightful girl.

Stay out of it, it will all come right in the end without your manipulation. Your daughter needs to learn how to manage her own friendships.

Serendipity30 · 24/05/2012 23:15

I think you should get your child to carry on with tramlining but also get her to join another club where she can make friends with other children, preferably a club or hobbie which these two other children do not attend, your DD's confidence will improve by miles. trust me I had the same issue with my DD and this method worked a treat and my DD although is still friends with her old friends has learnt to keep a safe distance between the girls who were acting this way and is much happier as she has new nicer friends.

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