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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to encourage my DD to speak up for herself (teenage friendship dilemma)

29 replies

Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 19:24

Well I see it as speaking up, she is adamant it would count as making a scene and being a drama queen.

Not sure if this constitutes helicopter parenting - welcome input from others! - or if I am over-reacting by labelling this as bullying but DD is now directing all her hurt and anger towards me.

Brief background. She is in a friendship group of 9 girls (year 9 - aged 13/14) who muddle along together quite nicely. Sometimes fallouts in the groups but my DD tends get along well with everyone and has never fallen out with others.

She does have self-esteem issues (linked to health issues, parents divorce and just generally not feeling as though she fits the template of what constitutes 'pretty'). I always try to boost her confidence but only so much she will take on board from me!

Anyway, one of the group is having a party at the weekend and has invited everyone in the group apart my DD. Plus a few others from different groups within the school year. No apology, no comment around why she is not invited and talking openly about arrangements in front of her.

My DD was distraught at first and I assumed it must be a mistake. Apparently not, it is a numbers thing, she is not invited.

Now, I am not of the mindset that my DC should be invited to every party and fully appreciate this is not always possible. However, to single one girl from the group is, imo, just plain mean.

It has affected her at school and she came home early today with a headache and missed an exam. I have told her she needs to speak up and ask the birthday girl outright why she has done this, and maybe even include the rest of the group. Tell them she is upset (a few of them have said as an aside they feel bad for her but noone is telling the party girl this). I have told her it doesnt have to be confrontational, just a 'have I upset you in some way, as I cannot understand why you have singled me out like this?'

Apparently I dont understand what its like, that would be an awful thing to say to someone and can I just back off and not try to control her!!

So, AIBU, and controlling as suggested by DD?!

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 19:30

Very difficult age, tbh. Lots of falling out and I can see it from both sides. I learned only the other day that if they say keep out of it, it's better if you do. I didn't - much to my regret and have made things ten times worse. While I sympathise greatly with you and her, I think you have to just leave it to her to deal with in her own way and just be a shoulder to cry on if she needs it. I know it's not the same but any chance you could do something "special" with her on the party day.

manicbmc · 23/05/2012 19:32

I wouldn't personally. Social suicide. She needs to accept it and move on. This other girl will doubtless pick on someone else next time and will eventually see herself excluded from the group.

Her best defence is to not be bothered (at least outwardly) in front of this girl. Then wait for karma to kick in.

BackforGood · 23/05/2012 19:34

I agree you should stay out of it, but I also agree that if that had ever happened to me, then I would - not in a confrontational way, but calmly and politely - ask if I'd done something to upset them, as I had thought we were fairly close friends and I@d like to know if there's something I've done that had upset her.

halcyondays · 23/05/2012 19:36

I think it would depend on whether it was one of her closest friends or not.

halcyondays · 23/05/2012 19:38

What I mean is, I would probably only have asked if it was one of my two or three best friends at school. If it was a less close friend I wouldn't say anything.

squeakytoy · 23/05/2012 19:38

Aw, thats shit, it really is.

I wouldnt go around the houses asking others though, as chinese whispers then start. Best bet is to go straight to the party girl, IN PRIVATE, not in front of others, and just say "look, have I pissed you off or something, if I have, then at least tell me what I am meant to have done, so I can either apologise or put it right, but you are really making me feel shit right now"...

Original poster
Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 19:39

Thank you all so much. That does make absolute sense hearing others say it, sometimes a mist descends and you want to fight all their battles but of course she does know better than me, as I am not 14 any more!

Sounds as though she is doing the right thing but rising above it and not showing she is upset as in a few weeks it will all be forgotten.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 23/05/2012 19:41

The thing is, girls like that (unless it is truly an oversight, which I doubt) do this for the drama and to show they are in control.

You're girl will come out of this not behaving like a cow and the rest will see what a nasty person this other girl is.

Trestle · 23/05/2012 19:45

Something very similar happened to me at that age. I'd never really stood up to the ringleader before. She picked on me and bullied me in the very subtle way some teenage girls do, but came across as nice/friendly to others.

This time enough was enough. In front of everyone I said how unkind she had been and how I wasn't prepared to take more of the same. It actually worked and she didn't treat me like that again. For some time afterwards, I didn't have any particular friends but it did free me up to eventually make several new friends who were much nicer. And I'm still friends with some of these, decades later.

I'm afraid I don't agree that the nasty one eventually gets excluded from a group - I haven't seen this happen. Your DD deserves better friends.

Original poster
Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 19:46

Squeaky, that is exactly what my initial reaction was, as it is what I would do in the same situation.

Not her closest friend but she has been to my DD's parties and this group hang together at every break. Think the party girl is very dominant within the group whereas my DD doesnt push herself forward too much and is seen as the placid one.

All part of growing up I suppose, but feel like I want her to find new friends so expect maybe i am over-reacting a bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 19:50

Thanks Trestle, I know she is not perfect but I know that my DD would never do the same thing to someone else. In fact, I wouldnt let her if I was aware of it.

Think the others are just glad it is not them, so are not speaking up.

Will just need to keep an eye on her in coming weeks and hope it doesnt knock her confidence too much.

OP posts:
avivabeaver · 23/05/2012 19:52

as the mother of 3 daughters, 2 that been through the teen years.....

back away now, let your daughter deal with it. acknowledge that it is not fair and not nice and plan something else with her.

she will rise above it and will earn others respect. if this has been done intentionally, the last thing she wants to do now is show that it has upset her.

her friendship group will probably subtely change over the next few years and she will find like minded people. by the time she hits sixth form she will love all her friends.

and it will all of blown over within a week of the party.

hth

redwineformethanks · 23/05/2012 19:54

I'd try to arrange something nice to do instead so that she can go in to school on Monday morning and if anyone asks, she can say "It's OK, I couldn't go anyway" with her head held high

Original poster
Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 20:27

Just booked cinema tickets for the two of us on Saturday - good idea to provide distraction!

Hopefully this is a turning point for her and she will start to build stronger friendships with people that arent so thoughtless or mean. Roll onto those sixth form years!

OP posts:
maddening · 23/05/2012 20:31

can she arrange her own "end of year" party - include nasty girl tho as your dd is above all that :-)

mirry2 · 23/05/2012 20:32

Redwineforem I agree with you and I've actually done this with my dd. It's very hurtful to be excluded but no one want to be pitied.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 23/05/2012 21:07

The usual way these thiings are sorted out amongst teenage girls is the group letting the offendor know she's been mean...or at least SOME of the group stnading up for the hurt one.

Maybe you could let her invite a couple of the girls over for a sleepover the week before or after the party? It might help her to forge more links and or gain support from the group re the meangirl.

EduStegosaurus · 23/05/2012 21:55

Oh god, you've just described me in my teenage years Sad It's shit, it really is.

I do think she would actually do well to speak up, but at the same time can completely understand why she feels like she can't. It just doesn't feel that easy. However, I think for me, not speaking up made it worse as my 'friends' knew they could not invite me to things and I wouldn't cause a fuss. Placidness seemed to make it worse.

Give her a big hug, OP Sad And the cinema sounds great, by the way Smile

Annunziata · 23/05/2012 21:57

Placidness makes it worse and reacting gives the girl more ammunition. It's horrendous, I don't know what to say to you OP.

IvanaNap · 23/05/2012 22:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Trestle · 23/05/2012 22:04

"The usual way these thiings are sorted out amongst teenage girls is the group letting the offendor know she's been mean...or at least SOME of the group stnading up for the hurt one."

Maybe in "naice" independent schools? Certainly not everywhere, where these morals/manners wouldn't be enforced by parents. And not where I came from - the mean ones were popular, and the "hurt one" would be left to put up with it. It was normal for the tough/bitchy ones to be leaders and others to follow. No-one would stand up for the excluded one, ever.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 23/05/2012 22:18

No no no Trestle I'm talking about the teens I know...who attend very ordinary State Comps with a very mixed bag of kids re social class....though they can be mean, most young girls are quite moral...quite black and white when it comes to fair and unfair...and yes...though bullying and exclusion s rife, amongst friends they're quick to point out when a girl is being mean.

I went to an incredibly rough comp too...and in my group yes...the tough bitchy ones were hard leaders but they also could be quick to point out real unfairness.

Trestle · 23/05/2012 22:58

I must have been unlucky then! The bitchy ones didn't have any sense of fairness at all, they were just charismatic and entertaining to be around, but would only be nice to others if it suited them.

Original poster
Bouncingbeans · 23/05/2012 23:30

Thanks again for taking time to reply, I guess there is still a 14 year old inside of us all somewhere! We have had a great chat this evening and she has told me that speaking up would make things a lot worse and she just wants to have some dignity and not let anyone know she is upset in case it gets back to this girl.

Somehow that would bring her within this other girl's radar in a negative way. I still dont really get how she classes her a friend but I guess it is true that these things are not as black and white as we think. She said it is more important to her that she does not give anyone cause to target her (although I think she has already been targetted).

She goes to a mixed comp, Catholic, fairly good standard but not really hot on discipline. I had initially mentioned speaking to her teacher in confidence but she looked at me with complete horror and begged me not to!! I wasnt really going to but frustration kicked in and I was blindly thinking how I could get help. It is just the two of us at home now after divorce and oldest DC at uni so I worry I can be a bit intense.

Thanks for everyone's input this evening, it really has helped to calm me down!!

OP posts:
MarySA · 23/05/2012 23:39

It's mean but these things have a habit of happening with girls of that age. I don't think there is an ideal solution. I think you're definitely doing the right thing arranging a treat for the weekend.