AIBU to encourage my DD to speak up for herself (teenage friendship dilemma)

[Bouncingbeans]

Well I see it as speaking up, she is adamant it would count as making a scene and being a drama queen.

Not sure if this constitutes helicopter parenting - welcome input from others! - or if I am over-reacting by labelling this as bullying but DD is now directing all her hurt and anger towards me.

Brief background. She is in a friendship group of 9 girls (year 9 - aged 13/14) who muddle along together quite nicely. Sometimes fallouts in the groups but my DD tends get along well with everyone and has never fallen out with others.

She does have self-esteem issues (linked to health issues, parents divorce and just generally not feeling as though she fits the template of what constitutes 'pretty'). I always try to boost her confidence but only so much she will take on board from me!

Anyway, one of the group is having a party at the weekend and has invited everyone in the group apart my DD. Plus a few others from different groups within the school year. No apology, no comment around why she is not invited and talking openly about arrangements in front of her.

My DD was distraught at first and I assumed it must be a mistake. Apparently not, it is a numbers thing, she is not invited.

Now, I am not of the mindset that my DC should be invited to every party and fully appreciate this is not always possible. However, to single one girl from the group is, imo, just plain mean.

It has affected her at school and she came home early today with a headache and missed an exam. I have told her she needs to speak up and ask the birthday girl outright why she has done this, and maybe even include the rest of the group. Tell them she is upset (a few of them have said as an aside they feel bad for her but noone is telling the party girl this). I have told her it doesnt have to be confrontational, just a 'have I upset you in some way, as I cannot understand why you have singled me out like this?'

Apparently I dont understand what its like, that would be an awful thing to say to someone and can I just back off and not try to control her!!

So, AIBU, and controlling as suggested by DD?!

What a great daughter you have, very mature and taking the moral high ground.

I am so in your camp by instinct, wanting to protect my cub. I have a similar issue with my son at the moment and the friend who is making life difficult for him, was a good friend of his but now being a complete shit, although still supposedly friends.

Problem is, I'm good friends with his parents. Have pondered speaking to my friend but I think like you, best thing is to let these things work themselves out, be supportive and sympathetic to my son and reinforce that he's doing the right thing but it is heartbreaking as I know it's making him feel lousy and doubt himself.

Just thinking about the boy in question has me seething, some kids really are shitty little buggers. There is no excuse in your daughter's case to exclude just one member of the group because of numbers, wonder if party girl's mum knows, I'd be mortified if I found out my kids were behaving like that, we've always encouraged them to be inclusive but a lot of other kids aren't.

Hope your dd is ok. Enjoy the film with her on the weekend!

Plan a really lovely weekend for your DD and ask a friend along. It's life - not being invited to everything and you need to teach her how to cope with it well.

Good that she's learning to deal with some matters now. Such behaviour doesn't confine itself to teenagers. I went through something similar at work at the age of 30!