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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH's new job will take him away a few night a week.

34 replies

Morebiscuitsplease · 22/05/2012 21:20

DH has a new job. He is very excited, it is a great opportunity and much better salary. he will be away from home 3 nights a week. I am fine with this. His current post has meant long commutes so doesn't see a great deal of DDs during the week. He also gets pretty tired. Also he has had several overseas trips to Oz for a min of 4 weeks during which DD1 really misses him so feel this a better option all round. So why oh why does a friend say well he'll miss his daughters growing up. He will Skype one night a week at least and is home Thurs - Sun and as a family man spends his time with us. I feel it is very judgemental. :(

OP posts:

motherinferior · 22/05/2012 21:22

Er, well she probably said it because he is away quite a lot. If I were away from my daughters three nights a week I'd feel I was missing a fair bit.

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 21:22

Do what works for you. He is lucky to have a job these days!

The judgey people don't realise you can't pick and choose the best bits of your job, you have to do what is required of you!

Northernlurker · 22/05/2012 21:23

Your friend is wrong. My dh works away quite a bit. He's just been to Korea for two weeks - that is exceptional. He's away tonight and tomorrow night, back late Thursday. When he worked in the neighbouring city he still only usually got home as dd3 went to bed or afterwards. A lot of dads work like that.

This sounds great for your dh - three nights away and the rest at home and better salary and prospects - fantastic. And you get the bed all to yourself for a bit

CremeEggThief · 22/05/2012 21:23

OP, just ignore her. What's right for one family isn't right for another, but I honestly wouldn't let this upset you.

LentillyFart · 22/05/2012 21:23

Can't see anything wrong with it myself - it's only about the same as if he was working unsocial hours like night shifts. And it's for the greater good of the family! What's the problem?

iloveeverton · 22/05/2012 21:23

It should be fine.

My dh works abroad and is home every 2nd weekend. Me and the kids skype him every night so infact they 'see' more of him than when he was here and commuting 4 hours a day.

It's working really well for us.

Good luck

squeakytoy · 22/05/2012 21:24

Your friend is being ridiculous. Plenty of dads (and working mums) dont see a lot of their children during the week because they are late home from work. He will be home at weekends so I dont see a problem at all.

Northernlurker · 22/05/2012 21:25

Motherinferior - my dh misses a lot of Friends and Disney watching plus the chance to empty the dishwasher. Three nights of the week dd2 and dd3 and I don't get home till 6pm so everybody has a snack and chills for a bit then it's bedtime.

BonkeyMollocks · 22/05/2012 21:25

You have to do what's best for you. YouOldSlag is right, he is lucky to have a job these days.

Its not that bad in comparison to what some people have to deal with! Tell them to feck the feck of to mind you own business land! :)

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 22/05/2012 21:26

Ignore them, some people just see the negatives of a situation.

We have a similar setup to this and while not always easy it works just fine.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/05/2012 21:26

I am in your position OP. Sometimes it has been stressful and frankly lonely for me (tiring for my DP too) but it is the way it is and it is certainly bearable and we are both very happy that we have jobs we like despite this situation. In terms of missing DD we just make sure that DP does alot with her when at home. Personally, if DP could get a job closer to home then we would all prefer it but it is not the end of the world.

hermioneweasley · 22/05/2012 21:26

I used to be away 2 nights a week. While I wished this wasn't the case I worked hard in the time I did have with DCs to make it quality and we are very close. It's what you make of it.

sensuallettuce · 22/05/2012 21:27

My OH is a submariner and we have 6 kids (between us not together) he goes away for up to 3 months and we have no contact.

He still manages to be an excellent and involved father to his children when he is home - he misses a lot but he is not missing them growing up.

Ignore your friend, what works for you is what matters

MrsMuddyPuddles · 22/05/2012 21:29

With friends like that, who needs enemies? tell them to fuck the fuck off?

thirdfromleft · 22/05/2012 21:30

He wil miss them, but the important thing is that you agree together that this is the right thing. He will need the confidence that you support him traveling away, and you will need him to make the effort to catch up on family time on the at-home days (I would talk to him about being properly focused on you and the kids when he is at home). Lots of families make this work. Best of luck!

PinkChampagneandStrawberries · 22/05/2012 21:32

Ignore it! My dp works away Sunday/Monday to Friday every week its not ideal but we just get on with it and after 9 years its totally normal to us I always get comments about it last week some idiot said it can't be a real relationship then!

Kikithecat · 22/05/2012 21:37

Even dads who commute 'locally' e.g. an hour or so each way and a long day at work often get in too late to see their DCs much or even at all during the week so it's no different from that. Maybe better even if he works from home on the other day.

Hanleyhigh · 22/05/2012 21:54

I envy you - we used to have this arrangement, now dh is home far more and I miss my 'own' evenings watch my TV

(the dc haven't noticed any difference btw...he was and remains an involved and fab dad)

Want2bSupermum · 22/05/2012 22:06

My father worked abroad. My grandmother would have us complete projects on the places he was visiting or had visited. The internet wasn't around and international phone calls were too expensive. We would 'follow' him and show him our work when we got home. As kids, we loved working on our projects and learnt so much from this.

My father might not have been physically there but he was a very present parent. I look back and see how hard he worked to provide for his family. I am in awe of what he put himself through to provide us.

HeathRobinson · 22/05/2012 22:09

Don't worry about what your friend says. Dh works away a lot, say 2 months at a time and neither he nor I feel he's missed his daughters growing up.

Skype is your friend.

Pinkflipflop · 22/05/2012 22:14

It's not the ideal situation and given teheran choice I'm sure your dh would rather work 5 minutes from home and see dd's every day. However that's not where your family is at the moment so you have to look at the positives.
Less overseas travel
Better salary
Giving your dd's a good work ethic-all very important

Be thankful for the job and don't enter in to discussion with 'friends' about your family and work arrangements.

Original poster

Morebiscuitsplease · 22/05/2012 22:25

Thanks for your positive comments. I am sure we will be fine as we are a tight family unit. :)

OP posts:

Jinsei · 22/05/2012 22:36

Your "friend" is talking crap. My father was very family oriented but travelled a lot for work when we were growing up, and lived in a different country for a year, only returning every other weekend. We did miss him sometimes, but it was no big deal and had no negative impacts on our long-term relationships with him.

Your DH is lucky to have found a good job and you are lucky to have your own space three nights a week

catus · 23/05/2012 07:02

We have a similar set up. DH is away from monday afternoon to thursday night.
Honestly, it works fine for us. Yes, it can feel a bit lonely for me, especially in the evenings (although equally it is nice to have this time for myself).
But, as he works for home on monday and friday, we actually spend quite a lot of time together, and he is a good father. DS (22 months) adores him and my heart melts when he runs to him as DH enters the front door on thursday night.
In a nutshell: don't worry. If your relationship is strong and you keep it that way, you'll be fine.

TandB · 23/05/2012 08:25

Similar setup here, OP. I'm on my own with the DSs Tues, Weds and Thurs nights. DS1 loves skyping and I rather like the few hours a week completely to myself after the kids are in bed. He gets decent sleep during the week so is much energetic at the weekends.

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