Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel i have let kids down by what i don't do?

29 replies

Tunnocksteacakesrock · 22/05/2012 14:11

Not sure if this is the right place to ask but does anyone else worry about stuff they have'nt done for the kids. Like my DD has recently made a new friend, which is great but a few times she has done the "oh you've never been there/done that" thing and my DD says to me the friend couldn't believe she hadn't done it and she feels "lame". We are older parents if that's got anything to do with it and I am a SAHM by choice so funds dictate some choices like foreign hols.Does anyone else worry about not doing stuff whether through personal choice or financial reasons. It is getting to me at the mo to be honest.

OP posts:
familyfun · 22/05/2012 14:16

im a sahm and cant afford to everything with my kids but i try my best and give them days out for birthdays and hope they dont miss out.

depends what sort of things really. if its holidays to the bahamas i dont feel guilty we cant afford them but they are not essential.

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/05/2012 14:16

how old is your DD? DS1 asks me stuff like why can't you collect me from school etc and I explain why. I don't have to justify why things are as they are, and neither should you

familyfun · 22/05/2012 14:18

the other day we were in the park and a toddler passed with her mom and said why dont we ever stop at the park and her mom said cos i hate sitting there, now that made me feel sad for her cos it was something her mom could have done but was too selfish.

fatherchewylouis · 22/05/2012 14:21

Your daughter probably has/does things the other child doesn't but the difference is we take the things we DO have forgranted (children even more so than adults).

If one parent is working then they aren't always there to pick up etc like other parents, if not they probably can't afford as many luxuries etc, it's a no win situation.

If you give them loads of clubs other kids will get to play at home more than them, if you spend more time at home all the other kids will be doing clubs etc.

There is no winning this one, you're doing your best for her I'm sure. Children in particular will feel hard done by for what others have that they don't - you can't let it dictate your life.

AMumInScotland · 22/05/2012 14:21

It's just part of the standard "parental guilt" - don't worry about it! I'll bet you have done things with your DD that the other child hasn't, but they may not be such obvious things so they don't come up in conversation.

Mrsjay · 22/05/2012 14:22

MY dds friend told her she was really poor because she didnt go to afterschool things everynight they were 6 , My dds got that quite a lot you are poor because,,, sigh all families run their own way I guess you need to tell your dd that isnt how you do things in your familiy Smile

OrmIrian · 22/05/2012 14:22

Yes, all the time. But I try to focus on the things I do for them and leave them to worry about the myriad ways I fail Wink

Original poster
Tunnocksteacakesrock · 22/05/2012 14:25

DD is 14 DS 8. That's a good point about justifying myself, I have a guilt thing going on. One thing I feel really bad about is living in a coastal town and not taking the kids to swim in the sea, we go for walks there. We don't have sand and the sea is freezing, also DH hates it!. I was taken when I was a kid every day in the summer hols, even when it wasn't sunny (we don't seem to get as much sun anyway to me) and I usually got burnt so every evening the calamine came out! I also remember swimming amongst raw sewerage, so perhaps you can see why I didn't want to take DCs. There is a sewerage plant here now tho. That was one of the things my DD felt made her" lame". Feel I should take them this year.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 22/05/2012 14:29

your daughter is 14 im sorry but everything is going to be a bit lame for a few years Smile and i wouldnt want my DDs swiming in the sea amongs the poop and other nasties .

AdoraBell · 22/05/2012 14:36

All children have a friend/classmate who has much more in material terms, which is what children notice naturally. As long as your DCs are healthy and generally happy you're giving them what they need, which is frequently a world away from what they want.

My DD is desperate for the latest iPad, we spent Sat evening playing Scrabble. She thinks she wants what all her friends alegadly have, but what she really wants is my time.

I've also had "why are we so poor?, my friends have much more than me"
My response is " how many times do you eat each day?" and when they answer I say - what, every day? That stops them in their tracks because of were we live

Herrena · 22/05/2012 14:37

Sorry to say it, but some little girls (and indeed big girls or even boys) are just bitchy and like to make their 'friends' feel like they're inferior in some way.

I had a friend at school who did that all the time until I realised she was a cow and stopped talking to her.

Not saying your DD's friend is like that necessarily but it could be a factor. Alternatively as other have said, we tend to focus on what we don't have rather than what we do and teenagers are notorious for not counting their blessings!

I'd take them swimming in the cold sea and listen to them complain all the way home with a secret smile Grin

StanleyLambchop · 22/05/2012 14:43

My DD got teased for not having a car, based on the fact that we walk to school each day. So my DD asks if we can drive to school, to be like her friends. Err, no. We live a two minute walk away! They did shut up once she earned lots of points on 'walk to school week'. This just all seems like normal childhood banter TBH.

sereneswan · 22/05/2012 14:52

My feelings are mixed on this because I don't know the detail. What I will say is my parents were older parents and I was an only. They literally just pottered on with their lives and narrow range of interests with me tagging along. Pretty much everything that other kids did my parents sneered at as boring or pointless or 'common'. I never went to the cinema until I was in my teens and a friend's mum took me. The embarassment when I had to admit I had never been before was excruciating. I never went ice skating or to a theme park, bowling etc (money was not the issue). Holidays were to the same two places (again, money was not the issue). I was also barely allowed to watch TV and never allowed any current music / films. The end result? I had nothing in common with my peers and nothing to talk about with them. I'm not saying this is at all what you are doing, I'm just saying that for me, not doing any of the things that other kids did, and the resulting sense of exclusion, was a big burden for me.

Chandon · 22/05/2012 14:53

I sincerely believe that most important thing you can do for a child is to be there when they need you, for them to have a happy home, to be able to enjoy just being with friends, for them to feel safe and loved.

Things like going to theme parks, going skiing, foreign travel, hang gliding and whatever are just details.

And some people are just very active and others are not. And some are show offs Wink

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/05/2012 14:55

don't feel guilty OP. We live near the coast and I hate going in the sea. Just say if you want to go swimming then fine you go. I will sit on the beach and watch

Original poster
Tunnocksteacakesrock · 22/05/2012 15:01

Yes Chandon, u r right. Don't get me wrong we have always done stuff, parks, cinema, days out we stayed away in this country for a couple of days recently and they both do one after school club each and they have stuff, not lots of technology or the newest thing, but we are trying to teach them the value of money. I guess I need to lose the guilt,its' only coz I care and don't want them to miss out but u can't do everything. I'm not a sporty person and neither is DH but they are happy.

OP posts:
mummytime · 22/05/2012 15:37

When my eldest two were little, DH had a job that involved lots of visits to the US, for every flight he did he earnt air miles that could be used for one economy ticket. So we had lots of holidays in the US.
My kids whine that they wanted to go to the Isle of Wight or Spain like their friends.

Talk to your DD if it is material things she feels she is missing. Does she have an allowance or a part-time job?
If it is simple things like swimming in the sea, then why doesn't she go with a group of friends?

lalaland3008 · 22/05/2012 16:51

I do a bit although ds is still quite young.

When I was a child my parents did nothing and I mean absolutely nothing with me. We never ever had days out, we never went to the cinema, I wasn't taken swimming we had not one holiday not even a daytrip to the seaside, we went to the park around once a year and even then my mum wouldn't stay long. I used to make stuff up. Compared to that ds has done loads but there will always be someone who has more or has done more.

marriedinwhite · 22/05/2012 18:44

Sometimes it's about priorities. What you consider a priority others might not. DD has a "friend" (they were at primary together) who is just the bees knees - in her eyes - and who had belittled all the other children at some time or another. She has reduced 11 years olds to tears for having the wrong phone, telling them they smell, not having been on a plane, not being cool enough, disliking new haircut. She of course is perfect and not only perfect but tells the tallest tales. Others are just less unkind and wouldn't dream of telling her she looks like a horse and most parents' eyes roll when her name is mentioned. We won't talk about the state of her house or the fact that actually she has only even been on a plane to Ireland even though she has the best phone, the best ipod, the most friends Hmm, the best clothes, etc..

The girls are all 14 now and are beginning to work it out for themselves.

PurplePidjin · 22/05/2012 19:04

I had a mate at uni who had everything you could want, materially. Shortly into the second term we both went home for the same weekend. In the bar on the Sunday night too pissed for tact she was proudly showing off the £50 note her dad had given her and the designer clothes she'd been bought. I quietly said I'd had a lovely hug from mine.

She went very quiet.

Original poster
Tunnocksteacakesrock · 22/05/2012 21:34

thanks for all your replies I feel alot better for the discussion.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/05/2012 21:52

Most children will at some point be made to feel like they are inferior by another child, for whatever reason.

Most parents will feel guilty at some point for something they have or haven't done.

It doesn't mean that any child is inferior, nor does it mean that parents have a good reason to feel guilty. It's just one of those things that goes along with family life.

If it helps, I feel guilty for almost the exact opposite of what you feel guilty for. I doubt myself when my ds is allowed an iPod and his friend doesn't have one, and I doubt myself when the other ds's friend says 'Oh you're so lucky' at hearing ds went to yet another theme park on the merlin pass his non resident father bought to use with him.

What I'm trying to say is that you have no rational reason to feel the way you do, and the fact that you do feel the way you do probably means you are a very good parent. Smile

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 22/05/2012 22:23

Remember as well there will always be friends who have a bit more than your DD. Even if you were millionaires someone would always have more. And 14 is actually a really good age for her to start to learn to deal with that.

So you have done her a favour!

blackeyedsusan · 22/05/2012 22:41

if you give them loads of things what ae they going to learn? things come cheap and how to get into debt and a lot of misery probably.

the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I bet your childen have done stuff that others haven't.

sashh · 23/05/2012 06:19

I watched a programme the other day, about Felicity Kendal, her parents toured India with two children in tow performing Shakespeare plays all over.

So just who on here can compete with touring India and performing in plays from a young age?

Nope thought not. If you compare yourself to other parents and what they do with their children someone will allways trup it.