Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

friend didn't let me know she was pregnant before I got there?

28 replies

LadyHarrop · 22/05/2012 10:42

First of all, I am really happy for her.
But she knows I've been trying for 2.5 years. She should know I find it difficult when others announce pregnacies, because it just rams home the fact that I'm not. I would have really liked her to call before my trip, then I'd have worked through my feeling sorry for myself tears in private, then we could of had a nice evening.
As it was, I drove over (100+ miles), she told me, then straight away started asking questions about how my treatment was going, and I felt trapped. I'm disappointed with myself that I cried about it in front of her -that makes me look selfish. I suppose that's what is bothering me :(

OP posts:

gummiebearfan · 22/05/2012 10:44

Maybe she thought face to face so you didn't find out and then have to sit crying alone was better?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 22/05/2012 10:45

Well of course YANBU, it's very raw for you.

Maybe she just thought it was kinder to tell you to your face rather than in a phone call...she obv just wanted to mention it and get it out the way, she was probably worrying about telling you.

If shes a good friend, which it sounds like she is, she'll understand and I am sure she doesnt think you are selfish at all.

teaaddict2012 · 22/05/2012 10:46

Yes, I think it could have been handled more sensitively.

I don't think she should have asked about your treatment straight away that's of course going to be a trigger.

However you can't expect her to walk on eggshells for you either. its a balance.

Original poster

LadyHarrop · 22/05/2012 10:50

You're all right - its good to get another perspective - she did what she thought was best.
I should stop worrying about a couple of tears - she's seen alot worse from me!

OP posts:

thefurryone · 22/05/2012 10:53

She didn't deliberately plan to make you feel like this. A lot of people would assume that it is better to tell people things like this face to face, making the assumption that doing it by phonecall or text would be a bit of a cop out.

I'm sure she feels bad about making you feel bad, but you can't expect people to always act in the most appropriate way regarding delicate situations even if they have the best of intentions.

Don't be disappointed in yourself for crying though, a good friend will understand (and be kicking herself for getting it wrong).

nipitinthebud · 22/05/2012 10:54

Possibly she didn't know what to do for the best and then chose to tell you in person - just in case it came across wrong over the phone or by email. Seeing as she started asking about you straight away suggests that she was very aware of your situation and didn't want to try and make meetig up all about her pregnancy and try and show you that she cares about you and that she wants to be there for you. Maybe she didn't do it the best way - but I think people find it really hard to know what is the best thing. It took me a while to conceive and it was a really hard, soul-sucking time. And crying in front of her....not selfish at all. Its a really difficult muddle of emotions when you're TTC with friends pg announcements.

DuelingFanjo · 22/05/2012 10:55

I used to think face to face was better but as my infertility went on and on I realised it is so much better to be allowed time to deal with news like that away from other people. YANBU, so sorry to hear this happened.

I hope she is a good enough friend that you can talk about how you feel with her and good luck for the future from someone who has been there and knows all the 'it'll happen' and 'I know how awful it must be for you' stuff doesn't really help.

threetequilafloor · 22/05/2012 10:57

I had this situation when I was pg with DD2, I emailed the friend, I felt awful emailing but wanted her to deal with it in her own way.

I would also like to say that friend did conceive (IVF) and then went on to have a second naturally less than a year later.

Hope you are okay OP :(

GrimmaTheNome · 22/05/2012 10:58

I'm sure your friend won't think you're selfish, don't give yourself a hard time about that. It would have been a difficult judgement call for her, maybe she was afraid if she told you beforehand you'd avoid going and she wanted to see you because you're her friend?

Jins · 22/05/2012 10:59

speaking from experience it would have been a nightmare for your friend and whatever she did would have felt wrong to her :(

monkeymoma · 22/05/2012 11:00

she got it wrong, but I'ld imagine she thought that the right thing to do in the circumstances was to tell you face to face, I can see how that was the wrong decision, but she probably DID consider your feelings and just came to the wrong conclusion.

She wont think you're selfish

madmouse · 22/05/2012 11:00

I told a good friend who was struggling with infertility face to face. And told her I knew she was happy for me and that she could cry as much as she needed to. It would not have sat easy with me to tell her on the phone knowing she would then sit alone and be upset.

The joy of my pregnancy was big enough to survive the emotions of my friend.

FantasticDay · 22/05/2012 11:04

Hope you are okay OP. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to be sad, and I'm sure your friend would not have thought you selfish at all. FWIW though, I would have thought it better to tell news like this face to face to a good friend. And I suspect she asked about your treatment because she is a good friend and thought it would be a bit tactless to go on and on about her pregnancy without considering your situation. Hope your treatment goes well.

nonapandknackered · 22/05/2012 11:05

You're not selfish at all OP. When I got pg with dc2 I wasn't sure how to tell a v good friend of mine who'd been ttc for a long time. I thought it best face to face ( we live far apart too). But when we met up and I told her, she got v upset, but then unfortunately tried to hide it. I felt awful as I really wanted to do it the best way, but I don't really think there was a best way .

Your friend will understand, and I wish you lots of luck

ASByatt · 22/05/2012 11:14

Oh OP, it is hard and I do understand.
I can imagine your friend not being sure about how to tell you, and deciding that face to face might be better, I can even imagine her then feeling awkward and going on to ask about your treatment thinking that it shows that she cares and is wanting to support you, but of course it feels horrid for you. I remember some hugely tactless stuff from friends who just didn't know the best way to deal with things.

Don't be hard on yourself, there's no need.

And good luck.

ScarlettInSpace · 22/05/2012 11:27

You know I think I remember a thread on here a little while back, when a poster who was TTC & was upset that her friend had text her to tell her of her pg then didn't mention it when they were face to face, I think it all just illustrates that 'the right thing' is so different from one person to another.

All anyone can do is act how we think we would expect others to act, and your friend obviously handled it in a way she felt she would expect it to be handled if the tables are turned. [I think I just confused myself, I hope you know what I mean!]

FWIW I think it sounds like you have a nice friend there who has tried to do the right thing, You're not being selfish to be upset at the fact she is pg at all whatsoever, but fair play to your friend for trying to deal with it in what she thought would be the best way.

Greenshadow · 22/05/2012 11:37

Difficult.

I was sort of in you friends situation a few years ago.

Work colleague (and friend) lost baby mid-term, just as I was about to announce at work that I expecting. She was off work on sick leave and I arranged to go and see her as I felt I'd rather tell her face to face than over the phone (or else for her to find out from someone else when she returned to work). Maybe I was wrong to do that, but it's a fine line, and I think, as Scarlett says, what works for one person won't for another.

Thumbwitch · 22/05/2012 11:41

I think she was trying to be nice by telling you face to face - she may not have realised that it would perhaps have been better for you to get your feelings out of your system before facing her.

I think it's very hard - there are a lot of people who object to being told over the phone/via text/email/FB etc., and yet there are some who would prefer it (as you obviously would) - so I expect she was doing what she thought was best.

Hope that you get some success yourself very soon. x

lalaland3008 · 22/05/2012 11:43

Neither of yabu. I can understand why she did what she did but can also understand why you feel the way you do.

kilmuir · 22/05/2012 11:44

if she had emailed or phoned with her news you would probably be saying you wished she had done it face to face. she did what she thought was best

YouOldSlag · 22/05/2012 11:59

Well I think your friend tried her best. She got the pregnancy news out of the way and then concentrated on listening to you and taking an interest in your problems.

I am lucky that I have had fertility problems and lost 3 pregnancies but still managed to have 2 healthy DCs. However, during this difficult period, I still felt joyous for my luckier friends, realising that joy is as a valid an emotion as grief.

As much as I truly do sympathise with anyone having fertility problems (I know the tears I shed every month), I do sometimes feel sorry for the pregnant women who feel guilty or uncomfortable about being pregnant in front of their TTC friends. They've done nothing wrong but they end up feeling awful.

When I lost my baby girl mid pregnancy the first person I saw back home was my friend who was also pregnant with a baby girl. Did I want to see her? NO! but she was so nice and so kind I couldn't possible feel anything bad or resentful towards her. I bet she felt awful.

WhyAlwaysBoris · 22/05/2012 13:54

I have a very close friend who TTC for ten years before giving up (she is a fair bit older than me). I really really didn't know how to tell her I was PG and in the end i threw it into the end of a conversation when we were having a cup of tea- trying to make light of it, iyswim, ie oh this isn't important enough for an actual announcement. Maybe your friend was trying that approach? (I still don't know if that was the right way to handle it, but when i lost the baby at 20 weeks this friend was incredibly kind and good to me and i am lucky to have her)

spartafc · 22/05/2012 15:36

LadyHarrop, I know exactly how you feel.
It's having the opportunity to react the way you want to - the tears, the selfishness of feeling how bloody unfair it is - taken away from you. And you have to do the 'oooh, lovely news' happy face crap. And it's not happy news, because it's not your baby. And it's ok to feel that.
Your friend just hasn't considered how you feel, because she probably doesn't understand it. Which is fine, but it doesn't make you feel any better.
I had my very best friend announce her pregnancy at my house in front of all our friends. I'd been trying for 5 years at that point, and had had a miscarriage. I was happy for her, but it bloody hurt.
I've gone on to have a baby (eventually!) but I still get a lurch when someone tells me they're pregnant, I think it's deeply ingrained after such a long time.
I like to hear about pregnancies in a way that allows me time to reflect on how I feel, maybe dwell a bit and in the past - have a damn good cry without feeling any guilt. Then I can congratulate them perfectly happily. Almost
Good luck, op. It's a shit time.

redwineformethanks · 22/05/2012 16:07

I think your friend was trying to be tactful. It's hard to get these things right. (hugs)

PoppyWearer · 22/05/2012 16:37

YANBU.

We had fertility problems before DC1. Were ttc DC2 at the same time as two other couples we know and we got there first (still took a year). I called both of them before sharing the news with others, so they had the chance to process the news.

Flip

1 2