AIBU - new DC and FIL passed away

[Rhinestone]

Genuinely not sure if I'm BU or not or if I just can't articulate why this makes me very uncomfortable.

FIL, DH's stepfather, died recently after a long illness, I.e. as much as it was sad it was not a surprise. We all knew it was coming and had said our goodbyes. DH was sad but not devastated, FIL became his stepfather when DH was 13 and whilst being a nice man was very much an 'uncle' figure, not a father figure. Mil and FIL lived abroad, too far away for regular visits, would be once a year at the most.

DC 1 is due at the beginning of August and since FIL's passing, MIL has been saying how tragic it is that he / she has lost their 'Grandpa' and is planning to write DC a letter about him and do a scrapbook of his last year. has also been hinting that we should name DC after FIL if DC is a boy. Also talking about taking DC to see the grave when he / she is older and this being a daily thing MIL and DC will do on our future holidays to visit her.

My issue is this - FIL was not a blood relative and was not a particularly demonstrative man. Definitely one of those men who think children should be seen and not heard and as I said, a nice man but he didn't have a father son relationship with DH and no affinity with children. He had 2 blood grandchildren who he hardly ever saw and didn't show much interest in.

I don't want DC to be expected to grieve for someone who he / she would hardly have ever seen anyway, who would not have been important in his/ her life and who is not a blood relative and I don't want him / her being pressured to keep this scrapbook etc etc. DC will have two blood grandpas who are both brilliant with kids and so excited and that's where I want DC's focus to be.

I'm very sorry for MIL's loss and understand she's grieving and have no intention of saying anything. Just wondered if IABU or if others would find this a bit odd.

Actually to be honest YABU as to your MIL it IS a tragic loss, she is in the early stages of grieving at the moment and much as it isnt a massive loss to you, it is to her.

Of course you dont want your DC to grieve for someone they have never met and of course they wont but at this moment in time just pander to her and let her do what she needs to do. So, much as you dont understand her behavior it is not odd at all, maybe in her mind they would have been involved with your DC (rose coloured glasses and all that) so she is sort of mourning the loss of her future in a way.

By the time your DC is old enough to understand her grief wont be so raw and I am sure she wont really want them visiting the grave etc etc....she just isnt thinking straight at the moment so just understand that.

YANBU you and your DH did not have a close relationship with FIL do not be pressured into naming your DC after him. Be sad for MIL let her grieve and you may find that in time she will stop suggesting your DC should visit FIL grave etc

I don't think your MIL is being out of order- she's grieving at the minute. She was probably hoping that he would last to see the baby.

I think say nothing right now. Yes she is grieving, you don't need to challenge any of it - it will fade or not be implemented quite naturally.

You won't be naming your DC after him, obviously, and if when you visit there is more than one visit to the grave, you can simply politely refuse or have something else planned. You can if necessary refer to FIL as 'step-grandad' if she's over the top about it when DC is older, but she probably won't be - that will be years away.

The scrapbook sounds a lovely idea, btw. I had step-grandads: I loved them dearly. I think especially where grandparents are concerned, there's no finite amount of 'space' for extra characters where children are concerned. They just accept. So you can afford to speak fondly of your deceased step-FIL and be enthusiastic with your DC at his memory: it's all family history after all, and a positive thing to give your DC a sense of. Perhaps especially if they don't have to confront the actual reality of a distant and maybe grumpy step-grandad...

...too many 'are concerned' in there I think!

since your FIL died only recently tbh I would just agree with MIL and let her get through it in her own way. It is very unlikely that is 5 years, when your dc are old enough to care she will still feel quite the same. Its all so raw for her at the moment. I remember when my mum died my dad bought a vase he was aparently always going to keep fresh flowers in it to remind him of her. It lasted about 6 months then he started to move on with life without her.

She's not just mourning him, she's mourning the imaginary relationship your future DCs would have had with him and trying to recreate it in a way. She sounds a bit fixated at the moment, but it'll pass. Be kind and agree to most things (not the name!) - if she genuinely is planning regular grave visting with older DC then tackle that when (if) it happens.

(but yes, it would weird me out privately as well)

Be kind to her and say that you would love for your DC to have a scrapbook to look at. That is the most positive of her suggestions, and may give her something to focus on at the moment while she is so distraught and deflect her from stuff like the name

She is probably planning all these things to do with your dc to help distract her from her grief. I don't think you're being fair by describing it as weird.

Go easy on her. Just because a loss isn't unexpected doesn't make it any less devastating.

Pretty much what others have said. Humour her for now whilst grief is raw and play it by ear when the time comes. Don't name your DC after him, but you could name one of your DC's teddies after him to appease her.

tbh I don't get this blood relative, not blood relative thing, and thi idea that certain people shouldn't have a certain relationship towards others just because you don't, iyswim.

I do get the idea that you don't want your child to be expected to grieve for someone he has never met. I wouldn't want that either, but tbh I wouldn't want that even if it were a blood relative. There is no difference there IMO.

But in terms of the relationship that would have been, this man would have been a grandfather figure to your dc by virtue of the fact he will have been in his life from the outset. It's not the same as someone who has come into a child's life expecting to take on that role.

And you refer to him as FIL, and not your MIL's partner, isn't that the same thing?

To reiterate, I have no intention of saying anything, I do understand she's grieving and I did not use the word 'weird.'

I just don't want DC to be pressured in the future into grieving for someone who was never going to feature very much at all in his / her life and is not a blood relative. A bit concerned about what's going in the scrapbook too, I.e. distressing photos of a very ill person.

"FIL was not a blood relative"

well your DH isn't a blood relative to you but presumably you'd be a teensy bit upset if he died. My Mother is not DS's "blood relative" (neither come to that am I) but my DS will be totally devastated if/when she dies and she has been a lovely grandmother to him.

I don't understand why you think that he wasn't genetically related to your Dh makes any difference to either how your MIL feels (devastated presumably) or what kind of grandfather he might have made to your children.

Will you be OK about your DH dying then - provided you know he's going to in advance?

You are way over-analysing this and frankly being rather insensitive to your MIL. Your Mil isn't going to be "being pressured to keep this scrapbook" any time soon (unless you have an incredible child prodigy).

Smile nicely at your Mil and just agree with her that her DH was a nice man and she must miss him terribly when she goes on about your DC's and her DH. And if you're lucky someone will be just as caring with you if you are ever in a similar position.

yes you do seem a it hung up on blood relative - and I'm a teensy bit offended that you interpret this as making someone peripheral.

I very much doubt that your dc will feel pressured into grief - my children have heard all of this about so many family members (my mum, dh dads, all of our grandparents). they pretty much ignore it. The truth is that children just dont care unless it has a direct effect on them which your FILs death wont. grief also generally doesnt last for a period of years to that intensity either so by the time it gets to the stage of showing the scrap book it will be a simple task not the emotion filled thing it would be now.
I show my children photos of my family (who are almost all dead) and i talk about them and how they died but I have never though that I was pressuring them into grief at all?
I really really wouldnt worry I think you are reading far too much into whats going on tbh.

A bit concerned about what's going in the scrapbook too, I.e. distressing photos of a very ill person - Rhinestone, I very much doubt your MIL would want him remembered looking very ill so more than likely lovely happy photos will go in the scrap book.

My mum was very ill and towards the end of her life I deliberately didnt take any photos of her, not only would she have hated it but I certainly dont want to remember her looking so ill.

Just try and have some compassion, she is going through the worse time of her life!

Perhaps if she is so keen on a scrapbook try to insist that it is of his whole, or healthy life. My beloved GM died when I was 10. My only "real" memories of her are when she was ill, but I am really glad to have photo memories of her healthy.

The last thing I remember her saying to me was "don't remember me this way". Sadly that moment is etched on my brain.

That sounds gloomy, but if you can persuade MIL that you want a happy celebration of his life, not his illness, you can find some middle ground that will let her ease off you slightly.

I'm sure this whole issue will have disappeared by the time your DC is old enough to know anyway, it's managing her now you need to focus on.

Good luck with your DC.

Do play along with her now. Grief makes you behave irrationally. She is probably looking at ways dealing with her loss and a scrapbook for an as yet unborn grandchild will help fill a void. When a much loved Aunt died a few years ago we planted a special rose in her memory, is that something you could do to please MIL rather than calling your baby after her husband. It will get better for her but it does take time.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable, but this is now. Who knows what the situation will be by the time your DC are old enough to understand.

MIL is grieving. She is sad that her DH is not around to share this joy with her and is trying to think of ways to keep him alive. This may fade over time. You can only deal with situations as they arise and MIL wanting to visit a grave daily is unlikely years down the line.

YABU to point out that DC will have 'blood' GPs. As others have said, your DH is not a blood relative of yours. If he were to die, would he only be missed by blood relatives? And don't you think, in the immediate aftermath, that you would not be able to imagine life without him and try to do everything to keep his memory alive?

Let MIL do what she needs to and address the issue when it actually becomes an issue, if it does.

I get what you are thinking entirely, I too would be feeling about much of this.

HOWEVER, (naming issue aside) it will be AT LEAST 3 years before your DC will sit anywhere near still enough to want to look at a scrapbook, so IF your MIL ever gets around to doing it, you will have been utterly familiar with it and tbh, the GC your FIL already have would find it of more potential interest by then. it's certainly more pertinent to them.

In the next 3 years, you never know, she may have already re-married.... it may all be a totally moot point.

Just go along with it, (don't say anything about the naming thing either way) wait until your baby is born and whenever any particular issues come up.

It'll be OK, your H is on-board, so you ought not to have any real issues.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling comfortable, but it does seem to me you don't seem to get what this feels like for your MIL. She's grieving. It may not have been as big a deal for you or even your DH but for her it is a massive thing, hence her saying/wanting to do all these things. I think the best thing to do would just to keep quiet for now and let her get on with it.

Though on some specifics:

The hinting about naming DC after FIL I wouldn't particularly appreciate either. My dad died last year and DC1 is expected in a month, MIL at one point kept calling my DC by my father's name. I guess she meant it to be nice but it actually really upset me and I just wanted her to stop it. If we have a boy we'll give the DC his names as middle names to honour him, but I would never use the names as first names - my child is not my dad, my dad is gone and will never be coming back, it would upset me them having the same first name. It's not something your MIL should really hint about, even if she wants it - your child, your choice.

Visiting the grave daily. I'm not so sure she'll really keep this up, sounds like something she maybe saying now, but me and my siblings used to go to the graves with my great aunt on our visits to her so that she could get on with tending to them, we didn't feel like we were being forced to grieve for the people in them and used to help fetch water for the plants. So unless she really is trying to artificially create grieving in your child and/or does do it every day then I wouldn't find this odd.

The scrapbook: a nice way for her to introduce some one important to her to your DC, it won't mean as much to them as it means to her. It would also be nicer if it was more representative of his whole life rather than the end of it, which maybe you could delicately bring up. I've thought of similar as to how I can get my child to know some one who passed away before they got here, though the answer is I can't - a scrapbook won't quite cut it like meeting the real person. But it a nice way for her to try and probably important for the grieving process, will just repeat maybe help be constructive in making it something more positive rather than orientated around his death (which she is possibly focusing mostly on right now).

I think the advice here is spot on.

I just wanted to say, too - I think your children mighht actually be interested in that scrapbook later on. You're seeing them as small children now, who might be upset by the idea of an ill person. That's not wrong, but they will grow up and they may be interested to know more about your MIL and her partner. My granny died a few years back and I only wish I'd known more - as it was it was wonderful hearing her tell me about her life.

You could always explain it like that - say that maybe scrapbook will be part of your DC's heritage, not something they can necessarily cope with at a young age, but something that will add to their sense of history later on?

I do get where you are coming from, but I would bet that by the time your children are old enough to understand, she will have processed her grief a bit more, and it would do no harm to accept that - even if your FIL is not a 'blood relative', he is still obviously an important part of your MIL's life, which your children may want to learn about later on.

My issue is this - FIL was not a blood relative

I just don't want DC to be pressured in the future into grieving for someone who was never going to feature very much at all in his / her life and is not a blood relative.

Right so in your eyes what your MIL is saying would be ok if he was then?

I am actually a bit annoyed at how many times you go on about him not being "blood" as if that is all that matters! Now that to me sounds odd, not the wishes of a very early stage grieving woman who has lost her husband.

You're over-thinking this imo. Of course your mil is grieving and wants to feel as though her husband's memory will be cherished.
She isn't being unreasonable, but neither are you.
Nothing's happened, don't make it into a problem.
I agree with the posters who are saying that just because he wasn't a blood relative doesn't mean he shouldn't be counted as your dh's father.

YABU. Your child isn't going tobe forced in to grieving, that's not something you can make childre do anyway!

Your mil just wants to make sure the man she loved for all those years and then lost will be remembered. How can that possibly be unreasonable?

My dc never met my Dad because he died before they were born, but I want them to know who he was, I have shown them pictures and talked about him. That's not 'forcing them to grieve' its telling them about their Grandad!

If you would have allowed your children to call him Grandad (or simelar) if he had lived, then you have no valid reason to not want him to be talked about in front of your child.