AIBU - new DC and FIL passed away

[Rhinestone]

Genuinely not sure if I'm BU or not or if I just can't articulate why this makes me very uncomfortable.

FIL, DH's stepfather, died recently after a long illness, I.e. as much as it was sad it was not a surprise. We all knew it was coming and had said our goodbyes. DH was sad but not devastated, FIL became his stepfather when DH was 13 and whilst being a nice man was very much an 'uncle' figure, not a father figure. Mil and FIL lived abroad, too far away for regular visits, would be once a year at the most.

DC 1 is due at the beginning of August and since FIL's passing, MIL has been saying how tragic it is that he / she has lost their 'Grandpa' and is planning to write DC a letter about him and do a scrapbook of his last year. has also been hinting that we should name DC after FIL if DC is a boy. Also talking about taking DC to see the grave when he / she is older and this being a daily thing MIL and DC will do on our future holidays to visit her.

My issue is this - FIL was not a blood relative and was not a particularly demonstrative man. Definitely one of those men who think children should be seen and not heard and as I said, a nice man but he didn't have a father son relationship with DH and no affinity with children. He had 2 blood grandchildren who he hardly ever saw and didn't show much interest in.

I don't want DC to be expected to grieve for someone who he / she would hardly have ever seen anyway, who would not have been important in his/ her life and who is not a blood relative and I don't want him / her being pressured to keep this scrapbook etc etc. DC will have two blood grandpas who are both brilliant with kids and so excited and that's where I want DC's focus to be.

I'm very sorry for MIL's loss and understand she's grieving and have no intention of saying anything. Just wondered if IABU or if others would find this a bit odd.

YABU. Your MIL is grieving the loss of her future with her husband and as someone else said, all the imaginary things they/he could have done. She is self absorbed in her grief and sounds like she is wittering a bit but her late husband is at the forefront of her mind.
Be a bit kinder and just listen and nod. Name your baby what you like and let the rest go over your head.

Your MIL is in the stages of tragic early loss. I think you need to listen to her wishes and see them as a reflection of how much she misses him. Yes a scrap book is OK as you can just put it to one side and pull it out every so often when thinking about family members generally and his role in your family. Obviously you won't want to name baby after SFI and thats perfectly acceptable. Visiting the grave one a year would be fine too as it's really nice to support your MIL during her time of loss. Maybe your MIL making the scrap book and talking about him might help her work through her feelings.

Agree with everyone else. There is no need to panic. Up until the age of about 7, the concept of mourning a person they had never met would be way too abstract for most children so there is plenty of time for your MIL to get over this 1st wave of grief. I very much doubt that she will keep up the daily visit to the grave and, even if she does, they won't upset a small child - it will just be another walk to them.

I understand that you don't want anything to spoil the joy of DC1's arrival but try to be kind. One day you too will lose your partner (or he'll lose you) and you'll need your family to be tolerant and understanding so try to be patient with your MIIL now.

You sound quite hard hearted. This whole thing is about her loss and not you being made to grieve. Why can't you just support her? Why are you so hung up on the blood thing?

I'm sure your MIL would only put suitable photos in the scrap book and if not it's easily resolved.

I also think you are missing the point completely by saying that your FIL was not a blood relative and had other grandchildren. This is about your MIL, not your FIL. She was no doubt looking forward to enjoying being a GP and to sharing that with her partner of (presumably) 20-odd years. Now she is desperately trying to find a way to "share" it with him even though he is gone. She is probably well aware that your DH is closer to his biological father than he was to your FIL but that just makes it all the harder for her.

Try to put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel if (god forbid) you lost your DH.