For 'never' answering my mobile phone?

[AdmiralBenson]

My friend doesn't like to send text messages, so instead of texting, she'll call me. She is superglued to her phone. I am not, and she has mentioned a couple of times how 'impossible' it is to get hold of me.

On Saturday I had organised a get-together in town for about 30 people. It was the first time I'd been OUT out since before my pregnancy. It was at a pub on a well-known London street and I had included a link to Google maps, an address etc.

The party was in full swing by the time she arrived, looking annoyed. She had been trying to call me for directions for about an hour. I had been having a fantastic time catching up with my old friends and my phone was in my bag, hooked over a chair. We do have mutual friends who were also there so eventually she called one of them.

Later she told me I was really thoughtless for not answering, and brought up my sorry history of never answering my phone and said I was 'hopeless'.

I told her that see my phone as a necessary evil (used mostly for work) but I'm not an automaton who is programmed to jump every time the thing rings. If I don't answer it's because I'm busy, I have my hands full (baby/washing/showering/cooking/whatever), I am with someone else and don't want to be rude or I just don't want to answer it (this is rare, I don't get THAT many calls!). However, I do check it regularly so there is no reason why she can't leave a message and I can call her back later. She did not accept any of these reasons and implied that I was treating our friendship very casually by effectively ignoring her.

I called her up yesterday to try and smooth things over but she wouldn't answer (the irony!). She is a lovely person, really reasonable and a great friend, this is the only thing we have ever really disagreed on. Which makes me wonder ... am I being unreasonable, should I make more of an effort?

Sorry this pointless problem has taken up so much of your time to read...

Really?
Gosh, I always answer the phone, unless I don't hear it or I am busy doing something incredibly important. After all, if someone rings it might be because they need to get hold of me or want a chat... why shouldn't I want to chat with a friend?

And people might get lost even if they have directions!

Im worse than most of the PP - I don't look pick up my phone during the day unless I hear DPs personal ringtone which I know will be a quick "can you pick me up some ..." or an emergency. I also don't pick up the landline. I do text pretty much straightaway but I don't tend to return calls unless its someone I actually want to talk to. I hate the phone and so often its the HV who always expects me to pick up instantly so I tend to leave it a few days before I call back as its never anything vaguely important.

YANBU OP!

(oh thank god Franca)

YANBU - Unless you have your phone in your hand, it's impossible to hear in a busy pub type environment. I too, often don't look at my phone for hours on end. Those of us that grew up without mobiles generally have a different attitude towards being constantly contactable than younger folk I think.

I'm with you stringcheese...it makes me sad that these days so many people find talking to thier family and friends such an annoyance. I love chatting to people I care about, it's how I find out how they really are. If I exchange texts with someone it all feels a bit impersonal and theres no depth to the exchange. Meeting up is great but hard when everyones busy so talking on the phone is the next best option. I would never be offended if I rang someone and they said, 'oh I can't really chat right now, can we speak later/tomorrow' or whatever. But friends who just don't answer and then either don't get back to me at all or just try to have a text conversation instead make me sad. I miss talking to them. What if we become a society where people only communicate by typing unless its an emergency, we will lose the art of speech!

I grew up without mobile phones and we had to stay in and wait for a call, and then we had to take the call in the same room as the rest of the family as the phones had cords. I don't expect people to be constantly contactable but I do expect the meaningful relationships in my life to involve a certain degree of talking rather than typing :)

YANBU because I'm exactly the same as you. That aside, please don't leave your bag hanging off the back of a chair in a pub (or anywhere else for that matter). Keep it with you or you quite possibly might not see it again. :)

Another person who grew up without mobiles and sees them as useful but not something you want to have with you all the time.
At work my phone is on silent and checked now and again mainly to check the kids' school hasn't contacted me. Friends etc would not get phoned back during work hours. Work is for working.
I'll take it with me on long cyclle rides for my use only in case I have a problem. I don't go running with it. It doesn't get reception in the house so is usually turned off there.
You had given this friend directions, she could have phoned the pub for directions, or another friend. Her navigational incompetence isn't your fault.

happyhazydaze The OP was doing just that - chatting to her friends. She had gone to a lot of trouble to make sure they could all meet up, giving directions, inviting lots of people, etc. If I had gone along to an evening like that, I would expect people to be chatting to me and all the other people who had made the effort to come, not answering calls. Now that's rude.

Again, really? I go out with friends quite often, and I always answer the phone when who's ringing is supposed to be there and hasn't arrived yet! Or if it's the babysitter!

I grew up without mobiles, and I remember spending hrs chatting to people on the phone.
And now I use mymobile like a normal phone. If I see an unknown number I usually answer, because it might be important. If it's a known number it is usually people I want to talk to.

God no YANBU a ringing phone is a request not an order

YANBU. I only have a mobile phone in case the school rings me because one of the children is ill. I don't bother with texts. If somebody needs to contact me for a reason, they can leave a message on my landline or send me a message on FB or on email. I would not interrupt a conversation with people who are actually present to answer a phone and I dislike it when people are constantly texting. My children (11 and 13) both have phones, and they don't text people either.

Unknown numbers are almost never important ime. Usually just somebody trying to flog you something.

BackforGood - you have it spot on.I do wonder how anybody is supposed to be able to hear a phone in a pub anyway unless they are carry it round. Even that is rude - it is like you are only talking to the person until your phone rings and you have somebody else to talk to, almost like you can't wait for the distraction.

Franca - I think you must be the kind of person a lot of us find very rude if you answer the phone mid conversation.

Ultimately, the friend had no right to get shirty - she had the directions but chose not to bother with them. She didn't need to phone people but I suspect she is a bit of an attention seeker and she is just annoyed that the rest of them weren't waiting for her calls and ultimately her grand entrance.

I'm with you op, apart from when I'm at work and need my phone so that the nursery can contact me it's normally in my bag or in another room. Do always reply to texts and get back to people though within a reasonable time.

theres no reason she can't text! you can pick up the text at a time convenient to you. it's unrealistic to expect you to drop everything and everyone for a phone call.

also how can she be cross that you didn't answer the phone in the pub? she knows you never answer the phone and you had already provided pub details.

lastly i have a friend who always rings my land line and leaves a message. I only check that answer machine once ever 14 days or so and she knows this BUT she will always ask me if I got her phone message on my landline and I always explain that I haven't checked it yet. I then explain that shes best to leave a message on my mobile instead. She never does though and we just keep going through the same routine!

I don't answer calls is I'm eating, watching a film at home, putting the kids to bed, about to step out the door, with friends, reading to my kids or on the landline etc. I thought everyone did the same?

Oh gosh Berta, I find not answering the phone extremely rude if the one who is calling is someone who is expacted to join the party and might need something (not sure about you, but if I am expecting someone who hasn't turned up in 30 mins I do worry a bit).

I don't think I said anywhere that I embark in long conversations with third parties when I am out with other friends. I will however answer the phone if it is the babysitter.

If a baby sitter, DH or friend ever needs me while I'm out, they will text. I'll then read the text at a break in the conversation or when I'm at the bar getting drinks. I may not hear a phone ringing with all the noise.

Ah but Franca the friend didn't need anything. All she wanted was attention. Everybody else managed to get there OK and so could she if she could be bothered.

I wouldn't be worried about somebody who was 30 minutes late for a get together, no. It isn't a dinner party where you have to wait for everybody to be there before you get started. I would assume people would turn up when they were ready. They didn't want me hassling them with phone calls just because they weren't there on the dot.

The 'phoner' wasn't 'late' - as explained by the OP ^^. She said she'd be there from 5, everyone was welcome to drop in when they could.

You don't know exactly what someone wants/needs before you speak to them, do you?
This particular friend might be "needy", I don't know her nor the OP, but if I am meeting friends somewhere I tend to answer their calls, because one might be lost, might be running late, might have been burgled on the tube, how do I know??

Sunday btw I am having a party, I emailed the people attending the right directions, plus a tel number in case someone gets lost.

Also, I too don't ring to check on people coming to a get together. Equally I don't consider myself "hassled" if a friend tries to get hold of me.

Franca, that's what I was trying to say. There could be any number of reasons why a friend - not a cold caller, or a business partner, or the MIL but an actual friend that you're supposed to like and want to spend time with (or presumably they wouldn't have been invited) - might need to ring on the evening of the event. If I had arranged an event I would keep my phone handy until everyone invited had arrived, just in case anyone was having problems making it/finding the venue/had experienced a crisis. I wouldn't be texting all night, ignoring my other friends to chat on the phone but I would be accessible if the name of a friend who was, or should be, on her way popped up on my phone screen. My first thought wouldn't be "oh no, the drama queen is after attention again, she can go hang because I'm already talking to someone", it would be "X is ringing, I hope there's no problem, let's find out."

It's all about context - it was hardly a cold call while putting the kids to bed!

Fire you say it much better than I do (English also not my first language)!