For 'never' answering my mobile phone?

[AdmiralBenson]

My friend doesn't like to send text messages, so instead of texting, she'll call me. She is superglued to her phone. I am not, and she has mentioned a couple of times how 'impossible' it is to get hold of me.

On Saturday I had organised a get-together in town for about 30 people. It was the first time I'd been OUT out since before my pregnancy. It was at a pub on a well-known London street and I had included a link to Google maps, an address etc.

The party was in full swing by the time she arrived, looking annoyed. She had been trying to call me for directions for about an hour. I had been having a fantastic time catching up with my old friends and my phone was in my bag, hooked over a chair. We do have mutual friends who were also there so eventually she called one of them.

Later she told me I was really thoughtless for not answering, and brought up my sorry history of never answering my phone and said I was 'hopeless'.

I told her that see my phone as a necessary evil (used mostly for work) but I'm not an automaton who is programmed to jump every time the thing rings. If I don't answer it's because I'm busy, I have my hands full (baby/washing/showering/cooking/whatever), I am with someone else and don't want to be rude or I just don't want to answer it (this is rare, I don't get THAT many calls!). However, I do check it regularly so there is no reason why she can't leave a message and I can call her back later. She did not accept any of these reasons and implied that I was treating our friendship very casually by effectively ignoring her.

I called her up yesterday to try and smooth things over but she wouldn't answer (the irony!). She is a lovely person, really reasonable and a great friend, this is the only thing we have ever really disagreed on. Which makes me wonder ... am I being unreasonable, should I make more of an effort?

Sorry this pointless problem has taken up so much of your time to read...

I'm with you admiral

Why is it ok for her not to text but not ok for you not to answer?

She's being a hypocrit if she had read the text then she wouldn't have got lost. It was her ignorance as to why she was late not yours.

YANBU! My dad is obsessed with ringing me and gets arsey when I don't answer. He doesn't get that I don't spend my days staring at the phone, awaiting his call! He can ring up to 5 times an hour (even if I answer!). Once had 3 missed calls in the night. It's never anything serious, so fuck off!

I think this is a problem of the modern age - too many ways of getting in touch with people. I am driven mad by people who don't answer emails, for example, or who check their emails once a week. I also get annoyed with people who deliberately don't answer their landline but wait to listen to the message first - I have a friend who does this and her view is that it's "rude" to interrupt someone by phoning them. Wtf? What if you are offering them a lift or something?

But then I know I annoy some people by keeping my mobile phone switched off a lot of the time, so it tends to take me a while to answer texts and my dear network provider often doesn't inform me of voice mail messages until days or weeks later. Like the OP, I tend to treat my mobile phone as something that is used for vital communication, e.g. when you're late for a meeting or need to let someone know where you are. It's not a first choice method for me, but I can see this might be annoying for people for whom it is a first choice. (They're wrong, of course - what's wrong with email?)

I don't think you need to change at all. She needs to accept you use your phone how you want and she uses hers how she wants...

I do have friends that I just don't bother to call/text their mobiles because they don't check them for days on end... but on the whole I text people because I prefer it and I prefer to be contacted in that way so I can choose when to respond. However, if it's important/urgent then I'd rather they rang than text.

Sometimes I have my phone on me, sometimes I don't. I'm certainly not a slave to it, nor do I expect anyone else to be.

If I'm meeting up with people I try to keep it on me and turn the ringer up.

No cake necessary, she just needs to grow up.

I do answer my phone if I haven't got my hands full but I really would prefer it if people texted me. I have two small children and so I very often have my hands full (cooking/cleaning/playing a board game/cleaning up poo etc),and if I don't the kids invariably start making an enormous amount of noise when I am on the phone and I can't hear what anyone is saying.

Most of my friends are in the same situation and we all text each other.

This is what's wrong with e-mail - my phone doesn't do it and I don't have my computer on all the time or take it out with me. So it's fine for organising things days later but no good for "do you want to go to the park this afternoon?".

I don't always answer my phone. It annoys me as it always tends to ring when I either sit down to eat my dinner, or putting the kids to bed or just as I am about to walk out the door/walking in the door. I do always ring back when I have finished what I am doing, and it does my head in when I get the "And where the ECK have YOU been? I have been trying to contact you" erm...I am NOT going to sit by my phone 24/7 awaiting for anyone to call day in day out. And it isn't like I leave it ages to call back. Half hour at most

Same with texts. I don't always reply straight away, as I do have things to do and can't text back whilst changing/feeding DS, having a shower, driving etc but I DO text back as soon as I can and have 5 minutes.

No one has a right to complain as long as it isn't over something important. And going from what you have said, she could of easily of rang someone else sooner (which is what I have done in the past. Like when I went into labour during the night, MIL wasn't answering her phone as she was meant to be having the eldest so rang her partners phone, still no luck so rang SIL but still, it was sorted in the end so no need for complaining)

She made it awkward for herself. YANBU.

The only thing which does do my head in is when others take days to reply, which you have said you are not guilty of OP so again, YANBU to not be permanently attached to your phone.

I never answer my phone. I text and read texts, I make that very clear!

I agree - saves a lot of time.

I must say, a few of my friends are a bit crap at answering their phones and it does get on my nerves a bit.

I can totally understand people not answering it immediately (FIL insists calling EVERY night when I am putting the kids to bed even though we tell him EVERY day not to call at that time). I would however expect people to reply to a text or call back as soon as they could - some people don't really bother to do this.

If I was going out wiht a group of friends I would have my phone where I could see it until everyone arrived as would hate for someone to be lost or calling as there was an emergency so they couldn't make it etc but then again I am kind of glued to my phone I guess and do worry about stuff like that.

I hate the bloody tyranny of emails too. My inbox is just overwhelming. I avoid checking them whenever possible because, once I have, I feel compelled to act on all the stuff in them.

I would be more than happy if people actually responded to texts within 3 days though, I agree that general calling is a bit of a pain with busy jobs/lives/kids.

Whew, looks like most people agree with me.

No, I guess I won't change my habits. Because it would be impossible! Like Liege and probably loads of you I often have my hands full of baby/poo/bits of spat out food. My friend doesn't have DCs, maybe she thinks I am at home all day waiting for her call. (I forgot to say she did once tell me that having children was 'no excuse' for not answering my phone. I didn't say anything but might wait until she's procreated and remind her!).

I will still take her cake though as she is very dear to me and I would rather be harmonious again. But I am not going to apologise, or make any promises to change.

Having children is DEFINTELY an excuse for not answering the phone but no excuse for not returning calls or texts at some point that day and as you say you do that then you have no reason to change.

Just because I say it annoys me I totally agree that you should not change to suit someone else!

I hardly ever answer mine and am always amused by people who think I should be surgically attached to it. Also if they call and don't leave a message, then it clearly was not important. Just because there is a means of getting in touch with people does not mean those same people are at your beck and call.

Your friend is being daft and needs some lessons in how to cope without technology.

I agree with Bertha. I am on my phone all day, but it's for email, texting and FB rather than calls. It's so much more difficult, disruptive and time-consuming to talk rather than just write messages. If I'd been coming to your party I would have much preferred the maps and directions to some verbal rendition of how to get there.
People use phones in different ways - she isn't "right" and you aren't "wrong".

I think that these days the people who want to use the talking-phone are the waffley sort, if its important they can leave a message or text.

"I find this whole I don't answer my phone thing quite sad. It's one thing not to answer to cold callers, but if I see my mates/familys etc number come up I will always answer."
But to do that you would have to have the phone actually in your hand all the time, surely?

I predate mobile phones by some decades, and so really don't "get" the whole thing of being attached to one. I do have a mobile, DH insisted on it years ago to cover emergencies (i.e. enabling me to phone him and let him know I was stuck in traffic, could he pick up DS from childminder's instead). And that's still pretty much how I view it, it's for when a landline or face-to-face cannot happen. It sits in my handbag, usually switched off. My friends know to call the landline (and leave a message on the answerphone if I'm not there), and that an email will be seen and responded to days before I'll find a text.

OP, your friend is aware of how you use the phone, so IMO she is being unreasonable expecting you to be as superglued to it as she is.

I don't have an answer phone set up on my phone at all. I'm not going to give anyone the impression that I'll ever listen to the messages. I often don't call people back either because I forget. Before there were mobile phones, people didn't expect you to jump every time they wanted you for something. I don't see why they should expect that now.

I have no problem at all if people don't answer their phone to me either. They don't have to talk to me just because it's convenient for me. I hate phoning people anyway; it feels like I'm imposing myself on them.

YANBU for not answering, YABU if you fail to acknowledge calls or return messages (at a later time that is convenient to you)

It's not polite to walk up to someone and say "ring ring, ring ring" until they pay attention to you, so why do people expect you to drop what you are doing to answer the phone?

I much prefer texts or emails - they sit there politely until you are ready to deal with them.

If she's that good a friend can't you make a phone exception for her and accept its just a quirk she has and answer it?

That said no one can be expected to hear their phone in a pub and she should be responsible enough to work out where she should be ahead of time.

Whereyouleftit no i'm not in anyway attached to my phone. It might be in my bag, or in the kitchen. I answer it if I can. No big deal. I'm never rude and answer it in front of people etc. I just despair that every bit of communication today is via text/email/facebook/twitter etc. I love hearing from my mates. I

I'm obviously very different to everyone else though. I even like guests that DROP IN without calling first.

Another one who doesn't see why she should be at everyone's electronic beck and call (and I don't expect anyone else to be either).

I think I am going to record "What fresh hell is this?" as my new ring tone .

So, you don't answer the phone, but if you check it time to time, surely you'll notice the unanswered phone calls.

Do you ever call her back?

If you don't, as a friend, I'd be annoyed, yes.

YANBU - she's paranoid.

YANBU

Before mobile phones we all arranged to meet up and did. The end. People weren't lazy about finding directions/catching trains as if they missed the appointed time to meet, they knew people would wait for half an hour and then go on without them.

Having a mobile implies to people that you are contactable at all times and I HATE that. They are useful but can be a real bind.

And if I call someone for a chat and they are not there, my message will be, 'Was just calling for a chat, talk to you soon'. I would not expect a call back unless I had a question that needed answering.

Does anyone else have PAYG? Can't afford to be calling everyone back!