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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re DP and his attitude towards DD1's diabetes??

30 replies

xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 10:13

Morning all...

I probably am being totally unreasonable but need some perspective!

DD1 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes earlier on this year, needs blood glucose monitored regularly (before meals, before and after activity etc) and needs insuliin before eating substantial meals (carby snacks between meals are ok, especially if she has been active).

Yesterday I went to the shop and when I came back DD1 was nowhere to be seen, asked DP where she was - walked to park with neighbour and her kids. Fair enough, but when I asked him if he had checked her glucose levels and given her a snack to take with her and hypo stuff etc, he was like eh?? What do you mean? I was a bit Angry because park is around 10 minutes walk and neighbour doesn't have my number incase she went hypo. Anyway, mistakes happen.

Later on, another neighbour comes to door and tells DP that he has given DD some of his battered sausage and chips (Hmm) and DP is all, oh, don't worry, it's fine etc. I come to the door and am like, look, no harm done but no, it's not really ok, she needs insulin before things like that, just so you know in the future.

I'd rather people knew about her condition if she is going to be supervised by them, but DP was more for not causing a problem with the neighbour (who was, incedentally, fine with me saying this). Had a big arguement with DP about him not taking her condition seriously enough, and he was like, fine, all down to you now (obv said in heat of moment, he would never actually do that!).

But, AIBU to maybe get the diabetes specialist nurse to sit down and have a chat with him about these things? He knows her condition is serious, but I don't know if he understands HOW serious it could get if things go wrong.

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 10:13

Sorry, vv long!

OP posts:
HereIGo · 21/05/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sidge · 21/05/2012 10:18

YANBU but he isn't either if no-one has actually sat with him and gone through it.

Diabetes is a massively complicated condition and unless he has had it explained to him fully (as it sounds like you have had) then he can't reasonably be expected to fully understand the implications.

bitofcheese · 21/05/2012 10:20

hi op, no, i completely agree with you. i would be equally careful. my dd has severe nut allergy which i know isn't the same but i worry and as a result am very very careful where as dh is more like your dp in the form of taking chances and being laid back but i don't think you can be laid back when it comes to a childs health and the possible serious complications that can arise from taking the laid back approach although i have learnt to let go and be more laid back than i was. have you tried talking to your partner about how you feel? i think that you are still learning to adjust to your childs diabetes and will (you) relax more as time goes by and you learn how to deal with it. my cousin is diabetic, got it at 3. he and his mother just took it in their strides, all the testing, glucose, insulin etc, i am sure you will get used to it. i am used to dealing with nut allergy related stuff. when dd was a baby she had severe eczema over 90% of her body and we had to as a result do specific things every day about 4 times a day for 2 1/2 years. my point is we got used to it although i know this isn't the same thing (sorry, i am going off the track here.....)

misslinnet · 21/05/2012 10:20

Yes I'd ask the specialist nurse to have a talk to him about diabetes - it sounds like he doesn't understand how serious diabetes can be and all the implications for your DD if it's not managed properly.

Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 10:21

He was had it explained to him, but that was right at the start when we were still getting over the shock of diagnosis and DD was still very ill in hospital, I just think he needs it reinforced because it took a while for it to sink in with me, I just went through the motions of treating it for a couple of weeks before it actually sank in.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/05/2012 10:23

But, AIBU to maybe get the diabetes specialist nurse to sit down and have a chat with him about these things?

No of course you're not.

In fact, I was thinking as I was reading your OP that it sounds as though perhaps you've dealt with most of your DD's appointments in the past?

He really does sound as though he doesn't realise how serious this is.

How old is your DD?

Bagofholly · 21/05/2012 10:23

In a past life I worked in paediatric diabetes care and I cannot begin to imagine how frightening a diagnosis like this is. You sound like a fantastic mum - you'd be amazed at how many parents just couldn't/wouldn't get their head around even saying no to unlimited chocolate bars, never mind the realities of monitoring/insulin. YANBU. But maybe your DP isn't either, and doesn't feel quite so concerned about it.
A chat with the paeds diabetes nurse is a good idea either way, to both allay your fears and invigorate your DP. Hope you're alright. X

Oogaballoo · 21/05/2012 10:24

No, you are not being unreasonable.

It's a bad example for her if he doesn't bother checking and makes out that it's okay not to sometimes. One day she'll be entirely responsible for this and it's important that she sees both of you taking it seriously- it teaches her that it isn't something you can be wishy washy over and ignore when she can't be bothered. It can have serious implications.

nickseasterchick · 21/05/2012 10:26

If I say this,Im not having a go at you (I do think your dp is ur) but you need to get dd understanding her condition and she must assume responsibility for it too,it doesnt matter how old she is,you can gear it to her age,but its vital for her own health that she realises and understands the implications - my own ds has an intolerance/allergy to dairy from a v young age he knew what he was allowed to eat freely and what he knew needed 'permission',it doesnt mean your dd needs to study the lancet just that before meals or excercise she needs to run a checklist - it will help her be independant of her condition too by giving her 'control'.

gamerwidow · 21/05/2012 10:28

YANBU and I think like others have said he would benefit from talking to your specialist nurse again. He seems to have completely failed to register just how serious diabetes is and that failure to be vigilant could permanently damage or even kill your DD. Maybe he is frightened to acknowledge to himself just how dangerous her condition could be without proper care.

Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 10:29

bitsofcheese - that's exactly it, he's so laid back and willing to take chances, and it makes me look like a right nag when I'm like well, no, we CAN'T take chances.

Worra - he hasn't been to any of the check up appointments even though I've asked him to come, and he struggled to get time off work when she was in hospital so just got the basics when she was in there really. DD turned 6 last week, and is handling it wonderfully. Like I said in OP, he knows how serious it is but, I don't think he realises the actual implications. He's not actually seen her have a really bad hypo because he was at work, he had to take my word for it, and he was at work when I had to get her rushed to hospital because she wouldn't wake up before diagnosis.

The way I'm talking about him makes it sound like he doesn't care, but he really really does, I just think he needs some things reinforced to him. She has a clinic appointment tomorrow, I might phone the nurse to tell him to come along.

OP posts:
MsIngaFewmarbles · 21/05/2012 10:30

YANBU, diabetes need to be taken seriously

Noqontrol · 21/05/2012 10:32

You are not being unreasonable about this at all. I would get the nurse to talk to your dp again. One of my best mates died from complications of this a few years ago as he struggled to manage his diabetes properly. It really needs to be spelt out to your dp the importance of managing it properly.

ripsishere · 21/05/2012 10:33

YANBU. I also think nickseasterchick has made a remarkably good and sound posting.

manicbmc · 21/05/2012 10:33

How old is your dd? I've known kids in primary able to monitor and use their insulin with supervision and they know what they can and can't have.

I do think your dh needs a chat with a nurse, just to make sure he understands.

Tiddlyompompom · 21/05/2012 10:34

He def needs to discuss it more with a hcp, he clearly thinks you're being over the top, when in fact he's being completely irresponsible. If an adult is taking care of your daughter, even if just a half hour in the park, they must know about her condition! He has a terribly cavalier attitude to her condition, but it must surely just be down to a lack of understanding, if he thinks 'bothering the neighbours' is more important than a short explanation and packing her hypo kit.

A colleague of mine that had lived with Type 1 for 30 years and was very careful had a serious hypo attack at home before work - the only reason she survived is because we knew about her condition and raised the alarm when she was late for work. If she hadn't told us about her diabetes we would prob have just assumed she was hungover or something and waited for her to turn up. As it was, we got her husband to go home to check on her, he found her unconscious and she was hospitalised for a fortnight. And that's an adult that was very vigilant about her condition.

Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 10:35

nicks - DD understands that her body can't process carbohydrates and that she needs insulin to help her body do that, she understands about good sugars and bad sugars and performs her own finger prick and injects herself, and through that I am teaching her what her blood glucose should be. She knows that she shouldn't be eating too many sweets (she knows that NOONE should be eating too many sweets and lectures her friends on it haha).

Bagofholly - we are getting there! Our specialist nurse said same to me - you would be surprised at how many parents mismanage the condition and don't give two hoots!

Thanks everyone for your responses!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/05/2012 10:36

The way I'm talking about him makes it sound like he doesn't care, but he really really does, I just think he needs some things reinforced to him. She has a clinic appointment tomorrow, I might phone the nurse to tell him to come along

No I didn't get that at all from your OP (that he doesn't care)

I just think he doesn't realise exactly how serious it can be.

I'm sure a chat with the Nurse will put him right.

Chaotica · 21/05/2012 10:43

Chat with nurse seems like a very good idea. He also needs to know that she is well now because it is well managed. Nickschick is right that your DD can start to learn as well. (My mum had type 1 and I knew a lot about it by 7 or 8.)

Devora · 21/05/2012 10:52

I don't get from your post that he doesn't care either. But what do you think is going on? Not realising the seriousness? In denial about it, because he's scared? Is this a general pattern in your relationship, where he delegates the tricky stuff to you? Is he a people pleaser? Can you match this behaviour to his behaviour on other issues? If so, what works in those cases?

(Btw, my dp loves our children ferociously, but still constantly leaves open medicine bottles lying around, razor blades at the size of the bath, windows not properly shut etc. Does my nut in. But it's not about not caring.)

QueenOfToast · 21/05/2012 11:03

Warning long reply!

YANBU. I'm really sorry to hear that your DD has diabetes but your DP definitely needs to become more educated about diabetes because it is a VERY serious condition. However, it is still a really short time for you all to have come to terms with the diagnosis and there is a lot to learn about living with diabetes. On the plus side, if it is managed well there is no reason that it should inhibit your DD from doing anything that she wants to do.

Based on what I know from two good friends of DS who both have type 1 diabetes and visit here regularly (they are both aged 10), I would suggest a number of things:

  1. Definitely have a meeting with the Diabetes Nurse to make sure that everyone understands a lot more about diabetes and how to manage it. Depending on the age of your DD either she needs to be responsible for her own diabetes management or (if she is too young for this) she shouldn't be allowed to spend time with people who are unaware of her condition.

  2. Decide what the roles in your family are going to be. Who is going to be responsible for checking the glucose levels, record keeping to monitor the levels, administering injections and ensuring that you have enough supplies of insulin, blood checking equipment etc.

  3. Get your DD an emergency kit bag that has everything in it that she needs to manage her diabetes for a couple of hours. This bag needs to go EVERYWHERE with her and should have inside some emergency information such as your contact details and what what to do in the event that your DD starts to feel low.

  4. Look into getting an insulin pump. It helps to keep the blood sugar levels at a much more constant rate and stops the lows and highs that being on an injection regime can cause. It also means that your daughter can eat whatever she wants (within reason) provided she inputs the carbohydrate count into the pump. Warning: I think that some health authorities can be reluctant to give them out, but if you decide that is the best route for your DD's health then you need to persevere.

Sorry for the long post and hope it doesn't sound too bossy. Smile

Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 11:04

Devora - yes I think it's a mixture of them all, he does tend to delegate tricky stuff to me and is a people pleaser, really annoying at times. I don't know if it's also down to him really trying, but I'm constantly correcting him, and yes it has become a bit of an issue and I think it would be beneficial to us both if he was to hear these things from nurse rather than him constantly feeling like I'm criticising him. It's just frustrating because I'm not criticising him, I'm saying this what MUST be done, but sometimes he takes things better from a third party.

OP posts:
Original poster
xxmush1983xx · 21/05/2012 11:12

Queenoftoast - DD looked at the insulin pump, asked lots of questions about it, and how it worked and decided she didn't like it being attached to her 24/7, and it was a resounding no from her lol. However, we are keeping our options open regarding it. Our health board is happy to give them to anyone who wants a pump. She has her "pancreas" all packed (seriously, she called her kit her pancreas!) and ready to go at a moments notice. I deal with the repeat prescriptions etc, and we both deal with supervising blood glucose tests and injections. It's just that we need to start working together as a team on the wider scale of things regarding the condition (i.e. past just administering insulin and dealing with hypos). Thanks so much for all the information!

OP posts:
kirsty75005 · 21/05/2012 11:16

I once had a flatmate with type 1. One day he'd misjudged the amount of insulin he needed after coming home late and took too much.

I got up at 8 to find him apparently under the influence of some serious drugs and it took me few minutes to realise he was actually hypoglycemic. I told him he should drink some fruit juice and he said "yes yes" and wandered off, not having understood anything I'd said.

I dragged him back to the kitchen and said "no, you really must drink some juice". He said "oh yes", opened the gas on the stove, didn't light it and wandered away with the gas still open.

I got a juice and forced him to drink it - he came round very quickly and was badly shaken when he realised a) that he'd been sufficiently out of it not to realise he should take something sugary and b) that he'd been sufficiently out of it to open the gas and forget to light it. If I'd been out he might have died, if I hadn't known he was diabetic he would probably have been close to coma before I called the doctor.

It was the second near miss he'd had - the first time some friends had luckily called round and had realised from his voice on the interphone that he was hypoglycemic. I think they'd had to break the door down.

He was also careful about it.

Yes, anyone looking after a child with type 1 should know about it.