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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if I've done the right thing.

41 replies

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 13:35

A few weeks ago I posted about how I'd given my DH for not taking more of an active roll in looking after DD (then 16 weeks) while we were at PIL's.
I did speak to him and tell him why I'd gotten nasty with him and he agreed he'd take more of a roll when we were at PIL.

Since then MIL has been diagnosed with a brain tumour, not a fatal one but it causes fits and she is very stressed (understandably). Anyway last week, we went over to see her with both children DS (8) DD (now 19 weeks). DS is a lively boy, but had been given death threats before we arrived and wasn't too bad, but DD wasn't tired and grumpy and not settling very well. So I was left to look after her and try to keep her quiet.

Now I understand DH was worried about his mum and wanting to see her, but afterwards I said that I wouldn't be going over again as it put too much stress on MIL (Who I love) and she was more than welcome to come to see us when she was feeling up to it.

Anyway DH and I agreed to go over this afternoon to see them, but then received a phone call to say that there might not be enough food for all as dinner was being provided by BIL. I then told DH I wasn't going, as I didn't want to cause any problems etc and also I felt that if MIL wasn't cooking she wasn't well enough (she's a feeder and usually wouldn't agree to letting others cook). FIL is also knackered after repeatedly having to take MIL to A&E so probably doesn't need the GC running all over either.

Also BIL has just had a little boy of his own who is 5/6 old who will be there, so felt she didn't need the added stress of my kids as well. Plus I didn't want to be walking up and down the hallway again trying to settle DD who would be shattered by the time we got there. (DD self settles in a cot and no where to put travel cot at MIL)

DH has been off with me since and doesn't understand why I couldn't have just sucked it up and put up with it.

AIBU? or do I have a point?

OP posts:
Debeez · 20/05/2012 13:42

I think you have a point, what I couldn't gleam from your post was how you put this over to DH?

Was it "I'd love to see your MIL and spend time together as a family but...."

Or more a "Here is a list of reasons why I'm not going."

This sounds like a stressful time for you too so no one would blame you if you were a bit short about it or didn't sound to bothered about going to be fair. In regards to you sucking it up it's obvious from your post that you're thinking of your MIL and her interests here, is DH aware you're thinking of her and not yourself?

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 13:45

I would have interpreted the phone call telling me that there might not be enough food for everyone as a subtle request to not come, tbh.

Has your husband considered how draining it might be for his mum to have a houseful? How perhaps his dad is too knackered to have everyone there?

I don't think it's a case of 'sucking it up' and landing on them en masse, I think the far more considerate and loving thing to do is to look at them and think - really THINK - about what they can cope with, how many people they can cope with, what they need.

delilahlilah · 20/05/2012 13:46

I think he is crossing the 2 issues over in his mind. instead of seeing them as 2 independent occurrences.
He thinks you are punishing him for issue one - not doing his bit with dd - combined with worry for his mother, so possibly feels like he wants/ needs you to be there.
Do you have anyone who could babysit for you for an hour or 2 so that you and DH could visit MIL stress free?

GreenDots · 20/05/2012 13:48

why cant he go alone

IAmBooybilee · 20/05/2012 13:48

i think you did the right thing. you rae being totally considerate of the whole situation and yes teh phonecalk sounds as though it might be a subtle way of saying "we just cant have everyone over right now"

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 13:51

The phone call came and, what my DH said to me is 'there might not be enough pork for you to have a sandwich.' At which point I immediately went, I'm not going. And will have seemed to him that I was taking my bat and ball home.
I did speak to him about it and told him not only was MIL stressed but also how stressed and conscious of our child I was while we were there. The food phone call was just the catalyst for the conversation.
He's taken DS with him, who will probably go to the park with BIL older children (both in their teens and fairly mature)
I'm at home feeling sorry for myself. Feeling this way before, just seems to have got worse now as I feel like the bad guy. DD in bed Not sure what to do with myself Sad
He said he understood but, don't think he did.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 13:51

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. His mother has a brain tumour and you are apparently punishing him for not dealing with your DD rather than being with his mother. Sounds like a lack of communication to me.

AgentZigzag · 20/05/2012 13:52

Given your motivations for not wanting to go, in that you love your MIL and don't want to put any more stress on her or your FIL, I think your DH doesn't have any cause to be off with you.

But he could just feel in need of a bit of support from you while he's there, it must be incredibly difficult seeing his mum when she's so ill.

If that were the case, I'd probably not rule out going completely if it comes down to your DH definitely struggling if you don't go versus only a potentially stressful situation with the rest of the family if you do.

Could you talk more about it to him?

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 13:59

SoupDragon I want him to be with his mother I have no problems with that it me who's made sure he's rung her this week but in the same breath I don't want to be sat in a different room on my own for the entire visit settling DD. Who when given to someone else at this minute cries, at which point MIL says 'give her back to her mum so she doesn't cry' I appreciate DH is under pressure especially as he is the only sibling who doesn't live close by and is the eldest, but it's hard for me too, and for the time I am there, I might as well be at home as none comes and talks to me. (an hour and a half is a long time!)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 14:02

I don't want to be sat in a different room on my own for the entire visit settling DD.

Would you rather your DH was in a different room on his own then?

It may be hard for you to be settling your child but his mother has a brain tumour and you appear to be sulking about him not settling the baby when at his mother's.

AgentZigzag · 20/05/2012 14:07

I agree with SoupDragon, although I wouldn't see it as sulking as such because I can see what you mean about not wanting to be in the room on your own.

You seem to be trying to, but I think you need to maybe put how you feel more into the background and not be too hard on your DH.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:08

I don't want him to be in a different room. I am not bothered about who settles DD, but in the same breath why take the stress with us when I can stay at home and my DH can spend some time with his mum which would be best for him.
I love my MIL and would love to go and see her, but I wouldn't be seeing her. I would be sorting out DD.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/05/2012 14:13

I agree you shouldn't go as it sounds far too much for your MIL and FIL to cope with.

However, I would have thought that would be your reason rather than the whole 'who settles' the baby argument again.

It does seem to be a bone of contention between you and your DH, judging from your other thread.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:17

Giving up...Feel crap...This honestly wasn't the point I was making. Clearly can't communicate very well.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 14:19

I am not bothered about who settles DD

But you clearly are!

From what you've posted here, you are coming across as having stamped your foot like a child. If your DH has understood it the same way, it's not surprising that he's being off with you.

Like I said, it's a lack of communication. He has understood one thing (and that is how it is coming across) and you apparently meant another.

WellYouPickedHim · 20/05/2012 14:22

whats wrong with the child that it needs continual settling

Pinkiemum · 20/05/2012 14:23

Lou, if your husband can't see there is no point you going with your baby as you will spend the whole time in another room in the house he is being unreasonable. I think you are doing what's best not only for yourself but also for you inlaws, do not feel guilty.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/05/2012 14:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like you are being very thoughtful.
I think the problem is communication and you OH possibly being worried about his mum.
Perhaps he wants everything to go on as normal because in his head that makes everything ok?
If you change the routine it's like making his mum's illness 'real'.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:32

SoupDragon not sure why I'm bothering to argue with you over this as you clearly have drawn up an opinion of me being some sort of spoilt brat. Though I quite like you from other posts you have posted on other threads ( I was accidentally came across you and lurked so you didn't think I was stalking you Smile)
After the last visit to MIL when she was first diagnosed I said to DH that I wouldn't go again until she was up to it as I felt it was too stressful for both PIL to have the children around.
Now today after telling PIL we were visiting this afternoon we received a phone call saying not only was there potentially not enough food for me (apparently I was named, according to DH which upset me no end) but also the rest of DH siblings would be there with their children, which would only add to the stress and noise. So yes I said no I wasn't going. Partly because I knew DD would be hard to settle but mainly because I knew it was going to be a right royal houseful and my MIL is ill.

WellYouPickedHim (like the name) DD self settles in her cot and is not used to being rocked to sleep. There is no where to put a travel cot cos believe me I would!

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 20/05/2012 14:33

As a total aside can't you take a pram or bouncy chair to settle dd in if she really won't settle in your arms.

Will she really only settle in her cot? That must massively restrict every aspect of your life not just MIL visits.

JustFab · 20/05/2012 14:36

I think usual demands desires go out of the window when someone has a serious disease.

Original poster
Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:36

Takes a lot of walking to get her to sleep in her pushchair and when you stop walking for more than 5 minutes she wakes up. I think the problem is that she sleeps on her stomach (holds hands out to be slapped)

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 14:39

Louboo2245, you may want to try reading what I actually said.

SoupDragon · 20/05/2012 14:40

I said your posts come across as you being like a child and that is this is what your DH has understood then it is not surprising he is off with you. I have repeatedly said it is miscommunication.

Softlysoftly · 20/05/2012 14:42

I would have gone nuts by now, I liked the bouncing with foot while watching tv crap approach.

No slapping if she won't settle on back then she won't and she's nearly six months so would start to roll alone.

I think you should just try and explain that you are worried Dd will be too much for MIL and FIL totally drop the settling aspect it's not worth the argument and is skewing the issue.

I would also speak directly to MIL/FIL tell them you miss them and you want to do what THEY want, if they want dd there then you will suck it up, if they want to come to you so dd is settled and the cooking/cleaning up is then not additional pressure for them then great. If they want to see DH and DS on their own and maybe you come over at quieter times also fine. Just let them be the guides.