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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure if I've done the right thing.

41 replies

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 13:35

A few weeks ago I posted about how I'd given my DH for not taking more of an active roll in looking after DD (then 16 weeks) while we were at PIL's.
I did speak to him and tell him why I'd gotten nasty with him and he agreed he'd take more of a roll when we were at PIL.

Since then MIL has been diagnosed with a brain tumour, not a fatal one but it causes fits and she is very stressed (understandably). Anyway last week, we went over to see her with both children DS (8) DD (now 19 weeks). DS is a lively boy, but had been given death threats before we arrived and wasn't too bad, but DD wasn't tired and grumpy and not settling very well. So I was left to look after her and try to keep her quiet.

Now I understand DH was worried about his mum and wanting to see her, but afterwards I said that I wouldn't be going over again as it put too much stress on MIL (Who I love) and she was more than welcome to come to see us when she was feeling up to it.

Anyway DH and I agreed to go over this afternoon to see them, but then received a phone call to say that there might not be enough food for all as dinner was being provided by BIL. I then told DH I wasn't going, as I didn't want to cause any problems etc and also I felt that if MIL wasn't cooking she wasn't well enough (she's a feeder and usually wouldn't agree to letting others cook). FIL is also knackered after repeatedly having to take MIL to A&E so probably doesn't need the GC running all over either.

Also BIL has just had a little boy of his own who is 5/6 old who will be there, so felt she didn't need the added stress of my kids as well. Plus I didn't want to be walking up and down the hallway again trying to settle DD who would be shattered by the time we got there. (DD self settles in a cot and no where to put travel cot at MIL)

DH has been off with me since and doesn't understand why I couldn't have just sucked it up and put up with it.

AIBU? or do I have a point?

OP posts:

ThreadWatcher · 20/05/2012 14:42

I stopped reading at the death threats you said to your baby.
I found that a very odd thing to say (even in jest)
A 4mo baby can't really help crying etc however inconvenient to you!

AgentZigzag · 20/05/2012 14:43

You being specifically named to not have enough food for is a bit hurtful though, is it possible it wasn't meant that way?

If you usually get on with them why would they just start to be funny with you?

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:44

'you are apparently punishing him for not dealing with your DD rather than being with his mother.'
'you appear to be sulking about him not settling the baby when at his mother's.'
'you are apparently punishing him for not dealing with your DD rather than being with his mother.'

This is what you actually said. I have spoken rationally with My DH about this situation, I can't see how communication is the problem. The original question is whether or not DH has a right to be cross at me not what an awful wife/person I am

OP posts:

Debeezandbirds · 20/05/2012 14:48

Threadwatcher in defense of OP she made those comments in regards to her 8 year old DS. Surely just a turn of phrase to place emphasis on the extent she has gone to to try and ensure good behavior during a difficult time. I doubt she said "I'll kill you if you don't behave." Admit I wasn't there and could be wrong.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:48

Really don't want to fight , and if you have any ideas of how I can make things clearer to DH please let me know. I've tried the calm and frank approach.

OP posts:

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:51

threadwatcher the 'death threats' were towards my 8 year old and were along the lines of, 'you misbehave and the DS gets it' My DD can currently do no wrong. I'm sure if you give it 2 -3 years and things will change

OP posts:

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:52

DS as in nintendo, so many things can be misread!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 20/05/2012 14:54

I stopped reading at the death threats you said to your baby.

Considering she said that to the 8 YEAR OLD, maybe you should re-read it then!

TheUnMember · 20/05/2012 14:56

OP have you asked what your MIL would like? When my parents are stressed with health worries (they have a lot of them) they want their grandchildren around even more. The stress of having grandkids running riot is nothing compared to the comfort they get from having their whole family around them.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 14:56

softlysoftly I too enjoyed the bouncing the baby while watching crap TV. I did that with DS, but DD won't have it at all.

I might go across during the week while everyone is either at school or work. And make sure DD is well slept before we go.

Agent Zigzag It's a possibility, but that is how DH relayed it to me, so unlikely as he never thinks to filter stuff. PIL have been known to say hurtful things without thinking in the past, so don't think it's a malicious thing. Just one of those things.

OP posts:

Purpleprickles · 20/05/2012 14:58

Louboo- it sounds a very stressful time and a case of miscommunication. Could you pop into see your MIL (it sounds as if you live close by) during the week with your dd. That might make you and dh feel better about today? It sounds as if you had the right intentions and I don't think you sound like you are sulking.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 20/05/2012 15:03

TheUnMember I've not actually had chance to talk to her. She's been in and out of hospital so much, I don't think she has had chance to stop and think.
I do know that when the whole family gets together it's nuts. There is 15 of us all crammed in, with all of us talking at the same time it's loud and not in the least relaxing and considering the last time her blood pressure was taken it was 210/18something, it's probably not a bad thing DD and I aren't adding to it.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 20/05/2012 15:03

'PIL have been known to say hurtful things without thinking in the past, so don't think it's a malicious thing. Just one of those things.'

You need to focus on this then and not take it to heart

And accept that because it's a difficult time for everyone, including you, that it's OK to make allowances for how that stress might come out.

Faithless12 · 20/05/2012 15:42

Yanbu. If they specifically named you and said there wouldn't be enough food. I'd take that as a hint, I probably wouldn't be happy with DH going either as it seems all the family is going but there isnt enough food for just you. Plus I wouldn't be sitting in another room by myself, ill or not sorry.

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 17:59

Exactly. "Hi. Just calling to tell you that there probably won't be enough food for Louboo" = we'd really rather you come by yourself. To tell someone that there will not be food for them, them specifically - is very clear.

The only way that could have been any clearer would be if he had actually uttered the words "We're really rather you come by yourself"

Birdsgottafly · 20/05/2012 18:25

Everything changes when serious illness strikes the family.

It may be the journey there and back that he needs the company for.

The ideal solution would have been for you to go and take the children to the park.

I agree that you should make the effort to go next week when it is going to be quieter and have a talk with MIL, then make the decisions on how you are going to arrange things whilst she is unwell.

I think that you should cut him some slack, otherwise you are in danger as becoming two parents to mutual children rather than partners.

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