To think these 2 take the biggest piss ever known to man....

[flynn80]

After a long illness my stepmum dies on friday, my dad rang to tell me so along with my aunt we both went round to visit. stepmums 2 daughters were there, fussing around him and you could tell from his face he just wanted to be left alone in peace to take everything in, yet there they were going on about how they were going to get him new cushions and a bath mat etc (understandably probably trying to keep their minds busy also).

dad had a drink of vodka with my aunt (id of loved to but am 8 months pregnant), 1 daughter came in and hit the roof that my dad was drinking, we all sat there kind of thinking wtf! then when she had left dad explained thats how she is, the mum didnt like my dad drinking so wouldnt want him doing it now. i was in complete shock and honestly wouldnt of believed it if i hadnt of seen it for myself.

yesterday i went back with my oh and we watched the match with him, dp and my dad again had 3 vodka and oranges and half way through the 2 sisters walked in again, the same 1 who had screamed turned to me and said has he been drinking, stupidly i said no (dont know why i did that at first), then i asked why what if he had, she said again well my mum wouldnt like it so we dont want him drinking all the time, me still with baby brain was grateful for dp turning round and telling her that if he cant have a drink when hes just lost his wife, when exactly can he. (so proud of him), she had a face on her then shortly left without really saying anything else.

must add these 2 are fully grown women with families of their own, when we left my dad was so scared theyd go through the bin he even asked me to take the empty vodka bottle home with me. seriously its not just me who thinks their behaviour is weird is it??? they do drink themselves too.

they have just lost their mum, so I would cut them a bit of slack maybe...

does your dad have a drink problem that could explain their upset at him drinking?

I also dont understand how the thread title is really relevant to the post itself..

Obviously they are going to be raw, their mum has just died. BUT, your Dad having a couple of vodkas is nothing to do with him. Nor for that matter is the state of his bathmat.
YANBU.

Mybe it was an on-going issue between him and his DW and maybe he has a drink problem you don't know about. Plus these 2 girls have just lost their mother.

Does sound odd though - as if there is little compassion or empathy on either side (or from you tbh)

sorry for the loss of your stepmum.

atm i would just leave it, emotions are mixed and they have just lost there mum.

Is there a reason your step mother didn't like your dad drinking

It sounds to me that they are just trying to be caring towards your dad and trying to support him, they have just lost their mum maybe they need some support aswell

Their mum didn't like him drinking. For whatever reason. In their grief they probably see it as the first thing he does when their mum dies is do something she didn't like. They, again in grief, feel he is dishonouring her memory. Also loads of people focus on little insignificant things at these times. Cut them a little slack. Your dads wife has just died, bur their mum has just died. I don't sew how that's taking the piss tbh.

YABU

Two women have lost their mum and they now see it as their job to look after her widowed husband.

I'm sorry for your loss, and think you should be trying to all cut one another some slack.

YANBU. They sound bossy and shrill. I am sorry they lost their Mum, but calling one drink "drinking" is over the top. Your Dad can have a drink when he is bereaved. A lot of people do, even non drinkers can resort to a brandy!

If he was a drunk that your stepmother saved from the brink of alcoholic oblivion, they may have a point. If not, they need to leave him to it. The late stepmother can't control him from the grave by proxy!

Agree they have just lost their Mother but your Dad has just lost his wife. Really obnoxious to have a go at him and none of their damn business if he has a drink. Unless he's an alcoholic and presumably you'd know if that was the case.

I suppose looking from the daughters point of view. Her mum has just died, and she comes round to find him there watching football and drinking vodka, oh and the empty bottle to take away too implies there was a fair bit of drinking going on ... not surprised she was a bit pissed off.

Good point made by mynameisntetc

If he does have a drink problem, it's not just going to be "one drink", is it? Plus making you hide the bottle... Yes very suspect. Be careful/aware of his drinking, just in case...

YANBU. They have good reason to be unreasonable, but that doesn't make it ok to take it out on someone who is equally affected by the bereavement. Try not to turn it into something bigger than it has to be though, your Dad is going to have to work closely with his stepdaughters over the coming weeks and it will do no good for there to be needless animosity between any of you.

When my DH lost his first wife to cancer, he turned to alcohol (before I knew him, but he told me about it) If he didn't have good friends that intervened at the time, he probably would have drank himself to death. Perhaps the daughter is concerned this will be a problem. Even if he hasn't had a specific drinking problem in the past, she may be concerned it will develop into one.

Hes certainly not an alcoholic, his wife was very bossy and controlling, dont get me wrong i got on with her but found her too overpowering for example her children came first all the time, when i was renovating our house my dad offered to help out, every time she found an excuse for him not too, just really weird stuff like he suddenly had to jetwash their path or other random things.

i just came to accept she was like this so in the end didnt really see much of them, the daughters are exactly the same as her though and see it as their place to now boss my dad around, hes very vulnerable at the moment but they see the drinking thing as a huge issue only that as stepmum was very ill and mostly cared for at home by my dad, they would come round later in the day but also (which we all found very weird) would bring their entire family and friends over too, to sit in a cramped bedroom talking to each other when maybe all stepmum had wanted was some quiet, at the end she was practically in a coma and yet they continued to still do this.

My dad felt he was pushed out to an extent so they said go for a couple of hours break each day, often this would be to a local pub where he'd have 1 or 2 drinks with a couple of friends (i know it was only 1 or 2 as most days id go sit with him or pick him up and take him home) other days he would come round to see me or he would just go shopping and do stuff he needed to do, he was out for 1 then always home by half 3, so its not like he was in the pub every single day. he did this because for the last 8 months every single day his house was taken over by tons of women - no men to talk to etc and he hated it. 1 day he was talking to his mate on the phone who had also just lost his wife recently, he dared to laugh at something his friend said and the same daughter shouted down the stairs - do you mind not laughing, my mums dying up here you know - as if he had no idea and had done it on purpose.

i understand theyve just lost their mum but theyve taken over the funeral arrangements, taken over the house, literally nothing left for my dad to do, and if youd of seen the way she reacted the other night id be a bit terrified of having a drink in the house too! just think she should be concentrating on other things and letting my dad to grieve in his own way

I am sorry, it sounds like a tough time for everyone, but they have lost their mum and just watched her dying.

How long had he been married to your stepmum and whose house is it?

I would honestly wonder if there wasnt a fair bit more drinking going on that had caused problems in the marriage by the way they are reacting though.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren

dont you ever have a drink at home? and to imply that he has pissed on a bath mat when drunk is actually quite rude. as i have said before and ill say it again my dad is certainly not an alcoholic, i have bottles of drink in the house too does that make me one. Its just something people have in i suppose, hes literally terrified of having a drink incase some of her family come round to visit, ive never known an alcoholic be scared to drink.

they are getting the house ready for when they bring the body home and the priest comes round, (large catholic family) so god knows why a bath mat should be top of their priority list, but i can assure you not because he has pissed on anything in a drunken state, and to be fair if he had i wouldnt argue with anyone who'd done that when theyve just lost their wife.

squeakytoy they were married for 30 years, she was married before to an alcoholic who died when her children were quite young.

her insecurity stemmed from this to be honest which is understandable, but she has stopped my dad doing many things in his life, by just being plain bossy and rude which he just lived with i suppose.

i just never realised that her daughter was 10 times worse than her until i saw mya unt try to thrown a unlit ciggy into the bin, only to be told to wrap it up and take it home with her.

apart from this shes a lovely girl but i feel for her as i think shes on the road to a breakdown the way she reacts to simple everyday things. its my dads house so he can do what he wants and let whoever he wants in, he just seems terrified of upsetting them by doing something they dont like at a time when i feel he should just be thinking about himself for a while. likewise them, they seem to be ploughing their energy into tackling my dads life when they're obviously grieving and need help themselves. dont mean that to sound so callous as it sounds, its just like theyre ignoring their own grief in a way by taking over everything else and keeping busy, each to their own and if thats how they deal with it then fair enough but having 2 vodka and oranges when youve just lost your wife is not the end of the world.

Um - they have just lost their mum. They lost their dad to alcohol - he was an alcoholic and they lost him to that at a young age

Now - days after losing their mother to a long illness, they see thier stepdad drinking......

Maybe its a raw subject for them?

30 years is a long time to be married. It sounds like you were never very close to your stepsisters either. She has lost her dad, and now her mum, so she is going to be grieving, and I think you have to make allowances for this. Has your Dad been a father to her all these years? maybe she is just worrying about him now too.

I know they have just lost their mum but there us no need to be rude to someone who has just lost his wife.

I'm going to go against the grain here, but no, i dont think you're being unreasonable at all. I truly feel for the your two step sisters however, the fact that there dad died due to alcoholism is nothing to do with your father. Its incredibly sad but it shouldn't be an excuse for them to have a go at him at such a horrid time in his life. They have just lost their mother, but he has just lost his wife too.

And i'm sorry but regardless of them grieving it is just bang out of order for them to wade into his house chuck him out and start taking over things. Imagine (god forbid) it was your dh who was dying upstairs and his family come over everyday for hours and tell you that's just the way it is, deal with it. after dh finally dies after long illness, they then start doing the funeral arrangements their way and also start telling you you are not grieving appropriately/respectfully whatever.

Of course this is a sad sad time for all of you but they do need to see that there are boundaries that still need to be respected. Im guessing that if your dad and step mother were together for 30 years shes must have loved him very much and wouldn't want her husband to feel the way hes being made to feel now.

It's a bad time for everyone and you clearly weren't that keen on them/her anyway so things will be tense, just try and ride it out.

I would say though imo that a break every day including 1-3 drinks, plus a couple of voddys at home is actually quite a lot of drink, especially to someone who lost a husband/father to alcohol. Possibly if it's upsetting them and if drinking isn't an addiction why not just cut it out for the couple of weeks it takes for the raw shock to be over then things will calm down and they have no more claim to his life or reason to be in his house so much, which can be gently mentioned if they continue to be bossy.

Agree I think they may be over anxious with regards drinking as they have seen alcoholism in their own father, and if they have a natural leaning towards bossy then it's maybe coming over a bit overbearing.

Still I would imagine a falling out now is the last thing any of you need, so I would bite my tongue.

And it does show that they care about your dad to some degree even if you don't like the way they go about it.