To think these 2 take the biggest piss ever known to man....

[flynn80]

After a long illness my stepmum dies on friday, my dad rang to tell me so along with my aunt we both went round to visit. stepmums 2 daughters were there, fussing around him and you could tell from his face he just wanted to be left alone in peace to take everything in, yet there they were going on about how they were going to get him new cushions and a bath mat etc (understandably probably trying to keep their minds busy also).

dad had a drink of vodka with my aunt (id of loved to but am 8 months pregnant), 1 daughter came in and hit the roof that my dad was drinking, we all sat there kind of thinking wtf! then when she had left dad explained thats how she is, the mum didnt like my dad drinking so wouldnt want him doing it now. i was in complete shock and honestly wouldnt of believed it if i hadnt of seen it for myself.

yesterday i went back with my oh and we watched the match with him, dp and my dad again had 3 vodka and oranges and half way through the 2 sisters walked in again, the same 1 who had screamed turned to me and said has he been drinking, stupidly i said no (dont know why i did that at first), then i asked why what if he had, she said again well my mum wouldnt like it so we dont want him drinking all the time, me still with baby brain was grateful for dp turning round and telling her that if he cant have a drink when hes just lost his wife, when exactly can he. (so proud of him), she had a face on her then shortly left without really saying anything else.

must add these 2 are fully grown women with families of their own, when we left my dad was so scared theyd go through the bin he even asked me to take the empty vodka bottle home with me. seriously its not just me who thinks their behaviour is weird is it??? they do drink themselves too.

I think YABU. He went down the pub practically every day while they visited their dying mum, no wonder they think he has an alcohol problem, I'd suspect the same. That's without the hiding alcohol in the house and being worried in case they went through the rubbish and found out the true extent of his drinking. They've already seen what alcoholism looks like and what's its effects are, so naturally they are worried for your Dad.

softly i don't think he was going the pub everyday, OP said that he would do different things in the few hours hes was chucked out his house sometimes he'd go the pub, other days he'd go shopping, to his dds etc, plus i think having a drink or two when your wife has just died is more than acceptable. I do not think he should have to not have a drink just to help his step daughters, not when hes been so accommodating to all their other demands in the lead up to all this (and i say this as someone who is tee total due to father being an alcoholic)

They have just lost their mum. They lostb their father due to drinking. They are probably now scared that they are going to also lose your dad and their stepfather. Be kind to them- and to yourself- it's a horrible time.

"My dad felt he was pushed out to an extent so they said go for a couple of hours break each day, often this would be to a local pub"

He wasn't chucked out, he felt that he needed space.

My DP's family is a large Catholic family and it is considered normal to visit the dying, 'en masse', that is part of the start of their ritual around the grieving process. That shouldn't be commented on, the DF probably just followed his dying wife's wishes.

It isn't ideal to start him drinking daily, it won't help him and may even delay the stages that he needs to go through.

The OP see's the SM as controlling and bossy, but she was her fathers choice for 30 years until death, his take may be different.

The SD's have been in the fathers life for over 30 years, so must be close to him. I come from a Matriarchal family, so once again, they may just be doing what is usual for them

People don't behave a their best when they are grieving, to use phrases such as 'rude' is ridiculous.

To answer the thread title, YABU. Their mothers been dead two days.

I think you need to give it some time, they are grieving.

But. There is the potential for there to be a problem here so I think in the short term you need to - gently - get them to back off. Act as a buffer. Let them know that your dad is an adult and has the right to make his own choices in his own home.

and, at a later date, if their behaviour continues, to spell it out quite bluntly that they don't own or control him and they don't have the right to 'run' him.

but this isn't the right time. Not just after they've lost their mum. Right now it should be gentle steering and stepping in, but keeping an eye and being aware that this is something that should not be allowed to become established.

The sister did overreact, however it sounds like she and her mother have issues wrt alcohol which given that your SM first husband died of alcoholism is understandable.

I am very at the idea that if you drink vodka at home you have an alcohol problem I better see my doctor asap about my apparent issues with the bottle....

YANBU

your poor dad

They are grieving and I have lost a parent so I understand that, but they have no right to shout at and bully your dad in his own home, he's just lost his wife too

I'd avoid getting involved now op, things might well settle down, grief does do awful things to people, but try to be there for your dad and reassure him that whatever he wants to do to get through this in the privacy of his home is ok

Hi and thankyou for making me think its not just me who finds it weird that they have chosen to take there grief out in such a controlling way.

having just come back from his house with my aunt, who smokes she was forced to put her ciggarette out on her shoe and wrap it in a tissue to take home. as soon as my dad was out the room they asked if he'd been drinking i said all we had was a cup of tea (hes literally so scared of stepmums family coming around and judging him that he really genuinely will not drink alcohol, not a bad thing at all, just his choise which i feel is forced upon him a bit) even her other sister told her to get a grip. its like she has an ocd about it. i totally understand why but 1 drink once in a while does not make you an alcoholic and i dread the wake already. they also had a go at a neighbour in my dads close as he had not been over to say how sorry he was at their loss. the poor man didnt even know anything had happened but got the bollocking of his life for daring to walk out to his car!

As a previous posted said i wasnt that close to that side of their family, without going into it too much they didnt accept my dad for quite a long time, even stole quite a bit of money from him, but it was his wife i got on with better, i understand they loved each other and even if i hadnt of liked her id never of shown it out of respect to my dad. i just feel they should do the same and show his a bit of respect while theyre all grieving.

look your dad is not BU

but they are grieving and some people go through a phase of doing every little thing that the dead person would have wanted and getting really anal about it! That's just part of their grieving, its a way of feeling you have some control over a situation you have no control over, it's a way of DOING something for the deceased.

When a relative died we cut other family members slack when they started only using a version of DS's name that the deceased used, but we never use, the deceased didn't like the version we used and always used a different one. So some family members would stop themselves from using DS's name the way we do saying "oh I mustn't call him that, I must say X, wouldn't like it!" - obviously the deceased didn't care, they were dead! but it helped the grieving family members to DO something that they thought the deceased would like, or more importantly to not do something they wouldn't.

Now any other time the above would irritate me, but not under the circumstances.

Its difficult but important when grieving to respect that other people close to that person grieve differently. The daughters need to so this re your dad, but you are not giving them any empathy at all judging by your title! If you think about WHY they are doing it, you wouldn't be so harsh!