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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was rude

66 replies

letasongcarryyoualong · 19/05/2012 13:45

I am a "big girl" (17 and a half stone at last weigh in) and I know it and I am not "fat and happy" in the slightest, I'm constantly losing 2/3 stone then gaining it again and it makes me miserable.

I do an online shop at Asda every week but today I realised I had forgotten to buy some chocolate buttons which are being used as DS is potty training. So I popped into the local Asda to buy some and a few other bits and bobs. I didn't have the DCs and so was in and out sharpish and used the self service tills.

I then had "unfamiliar item in the bagging area" and the assistant came over to check that nothing had been double bagged or whatever the terminology used is and saw the bag of chocolate buttons (it was one of those large bags with lots of fun sized mini bags in it) and she proceeded to grin at me and said, "Ooh, you like your chocolate, don't you?"

I could have cried, right there and then. She said it so loudly other customers turned and smirked.

AIBU/silly - or was this not on? How would you have felt (assuming you're not a size 8)

OP posts:

Original poster

letasongcarryyoualong · 19/05/2012 14:25

WorraLiberty - to be fair, it appears I am not the only one who would have been a little upset by this comment. It isn't as if I said anything or complained, and nor would I.

I did laugh at the yoghurt post, as that's exactly how I felt - vulnerable somehow, and very greedy and fat.

To the poster who said "stop gaining and losing." Thanks. That was really helpful advice. Do you think I've been doing it because I want to fit into my size 22 clothes for winter?

OP posts:

Vickles · 19/05/2012 14:27

It was a personal comment at the end of the day.... and I thought we were all brought up 'not' to make personal comments! I wouldn't call that banter, as she was being personal - about a stranger/customer! And don't forget, OP said that other customers 'smirked'. That, is nothing but rude, sorry....!

No, you're not unreasonable.

Don't let it get you down babe.... I have had similar, and worse... sometimes I laugh them off, sometimes I cry inside! But hey... there's some real tossers about. Onwards and upwards.... x

Willowisp · 19/05/2012 14:28

I think she was just being friendly...in the same way as someone might be asked " having a party" if you bought several bottles of wine/beer...

If it helps, I was buying lots of curry ingredients & the Indian check out lady asked if I liked cooking. We had a really nice chat as I bagged up my goodies & she gave me a few tips.

As an aside, if you are unhappy about your weight, please find help. It's miserable being miserable about it. Hope the buttons help with potty training, they were a great help with my 2.

Nancy66 · 19/05/2012 14:28

it wasn't personal. She didn't comment on the customer or her appearance - she commented on the shopping. That's not personal.

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2012 14:28

I know you're not the only one and that's kind of my point.

I think it's a real shame when so many people take offence to friendly chit chat

Soon there'll come a time when we'll all be afraid to talk to anyone for fear of causing offence.

Then shop assistants will be under fire for being 'rude and aloof' no doubt.

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2012 14:29

I don't think she was being rude exactly but it didn't need to be said.
I have had it said to me as well when buying extremely vast larger than normal amounts of chocolate, and I'm not particularly overweight (ok, a little) - I think it's more about the chocolate quantity than your size BUT you are sensitive to it.

Did you say anything back to her or just let it lie and feel upset?

Original poster

letasongcarryyoualong · 19/05/2012 14:40

Honestly, I don't object to friendly chit chat in the slightest and often instigate it (although i do avoid the lady in the local Co-Op who lives in the same street as my Mum and informs me of her daily doings - "Your Mum came out wearing a blue dress on Tuesday," sort of ramblings") - even that I find quite funny, as long as I am not in a rush.

But it's just - it really did hurt my feelings, upset me and humiliate me, and it seems I wouldn't have been the only one. Even if I'm to give the benefit of the doubt and say to myself that it was just an inane comment, what was the intended response? I suppose I could have said, honestly, "they aren't for me, they are for DS who is potty training," but I'll probably scoff the lot next time I'm upset or scared or lonely but this was self service remember, she'd already darted off to somebody else by this point.

I've had shop assistants think I am pregnant and dealt with it perfectly politely, it has torn me up inside but I know it wasn't the intention so have been able to deal with the upset without being in any way personally offended but this feels different.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/05/2012 14:46

she'd already darted off to somebody else by this point

And doesn't that tell you something?

She couldn't care less whether you like chocolate, who the chocolate was for or how much you were buying...it really was just a friendly comment to break the ice.

You interpreted the comment the way you did because you're not happy with your own body.

Until you can overcome your own insecurity, I'm afraid things like this will keep cropping up for you.

Original poster

letasongcarryyoualong · 19/05/2012 14:51

I have already said that I have had similar comments said in the past which haven't bothered me in the sense I have found them rude (although I have been upset)

she'd already darted off to somebody else by this point And doesn't that tell you something?

It tells me that somebody else needed assistance ...

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 19/05/2012 14:56

OP - I think it's obvious that you are deeply unhappy with your size and because it's something that, probably, dominates your life you are looking for slights and digs where there aren't any. It's just your own projection.

I also doubt the other customer were sniggering. It's Asda - not the catwalks of Paris.

PooshTun · 19/05/2012 14:58

Recently a check out lady made a similar comment about several boxes of donuts that I had brought for people at the office. I am not overweight so I took the comment as just friendly chat.

I can understand your sensitivity but YABU to take offence.

Selks · 19/05/2012 14:59

A deliberately aimed comment or not, it was intrusive and would have made me feel embarrassed in that situation.
FFS I hate the supermarkets stupid policies of making staff make 'friendly' conversation. Staff hate it and I hate intrusive comments. Genuine interaction is fine but not a policy on it. I'm sure that increases the chance of these sort of hideous comments. Fume.

RevoltingPeasant · 19/05/2012 15:01

Hmm YABU and YANBU.

The other night DP was away and I went into Sainsbunk and bought a couple of bottles of beer. The young male shop assistant said 'Bit of a night in, eh?' or something like that.

I don't have an issue with alcohol and never have, and just said 'Yep, been a long day at work!' or something and smiled and left.

But I imagine someone with alcohol issues might have been really mortified. I think tbh she probably didn't mean anything but it is for precisely this reason that I think making personal remarks is rude.

And Worra, have to say I disagree that this means we would all stop making conversation! It's totally possible to make small talk like 'Gorgeous outside today, isn't it?' or 'Anything nice planned for the weekend?' or similar. I used to be a shop assistant and a waitress and it is absolutely do-able....

RevoltingPeasant · 19/05/2012 15:02

Nancy - she said You like your chocolate - sorry, that is a personal remark.

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 15:12

Yeah, but it sounds like she said you like your chocolate because the OP had a bumper sized pack of it!

I dont think it sounded personal TBH, but obviously the OP took it personally.

I think she was just trying to make conversation.

whoknowsnotme · 19/05/2012 15:14

OP yanbu!

I fluctuate between a size 10 and a size 14. If i get a comment like that which i do ALOT because i buy a greedy amount of cakes when i'm at a size 10 i just laugh it off and make a joke about it, however when another shop assistant makes the exact same comment to me at a size 14 i will make up an excuse turn red and leave the shop feeling angry and offended by the shop assistant. So yabu as its your issue really not hers, but as i do the same i will say yanbu

Selks · 19/05/2012 15:15

She could have had a trolley full and the staff member still should not have said that.

Would it be ok to comment on someone's haemorroid cream in their basket then? "Ooh the old grapes playing up then? Nasty."

lololizzy · 19/05/2012 15:18

the trouble is...as a retail manager myself.... in our last meeting we were told to engage with customer more, and try to make a comment about their purchase(s). (mainly clothing, where I am ). I hate it...as it often comes across as rude and fake. Hard to get out of when we have secret shoppers checking up on us.
I wouldve sensitive about it too...but that's me personally, as my weight yo yos badly

lololizzy · 19/05/2012 15:20

it's just the norm in many shops now, so i bet she'd have said something even if you were visibly v underweight

LumpyLatimer · 19/05/2012 15:21

hmmmm...look, I'm not that much lighter than you, and if someone had commented on my shopping (tbh more likely to be gin that chocolate, but ... you know!) it wouldn't've occurred to me it was a weight-dig. I think it's far more likely that she WASN'T noticing your size - if she were, she would have immediately clammed up in a 'don't mention the war' sort of way, do you know what I mean? And frantically thought "say nothing about the choc, say nothing about the choc..."

Poor you though.

whoknowsnotme · 19/05/2012 15:22

HAHA selks, when i was pregnant i got that! i was in mother care world and the lady asked me if it was any good and advised me on a different brand shed used when pregnant! i honestly didn't know what to say. Awkward!

lololizzy · 19/05/2012 15:24

it's a tricky one. I have a staff member suffering from anorexia. Sometimes she'll sell a size 32 blouse and I'll hear her say, 'oh that's soo pretty...' (or similar)- this is what we've been trained to do now. Sometimes she's met with silence, and I think, does customer think she's being sarcastic? We have secret shoppers literally scoring us on customer interaction i often think of quitting retail, these days! Perhaps a lighthouse keeper would be great! No face to face!!

Original poster

letasongcarryyoualong · 19/05/2012 15:34

It's quite possible I was just being over sensitive,but weight aside, I did just find this a little inappropriate, even if I was very slim (if only.)

It isn't quite the same as admiring an item of clothing, it is a judgement on food choices, even if that judgement is as innocuous as "she is eating a lot of chocolate" that judgement still carries connotations of: unhealthy, fattening and so on.

If she had said, "Ooh, I love chocolate buttons, I buy them for the kids but I eat them!" I wouldn't have thought she was passing judgement although I would have assumed I had a twin but it was the pronoun "you" that made me feel judged - and enormous, truth be told.

I really didn't imagine the smirks from the other customers as well.

OP posts:

ragged · 19/05/2012 16:14

Some (?many) people would smirk because chocolate is their weakness, too! I know I would be thinking that, even if I never looked at you & therefore never noticed your size.

I think it was probably just clumsy/inappropriate attempt at chitchat. Their job is so dull & they are supposed to be friendly, really hard balance to strike.

RevoltingPeasant · 19/05/2012 16:29

lizzy Surely the right thing to say then is 'Did you find everything you needed?' or something innocuous.

Or........ you could start a thread on AIBU, garner 300+ responses about how much people HATE it when shop assts comment on shopping, print it off, and post it anonymously to Head Office

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