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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a night on my own?

40 replies

DeckSwabber · 19/05/2012 11:27

Teenage children have started to opt in and out of their one night a fortnight with their dad. I don't seem to have this one bit of personal space any more. Tried to explain to eldest that there is a difference between being by myself and actually by myself for a night, and being by myself while ds is in his room and I'm doing the ironing in another room.

It came out all wrong and he ended up saying 'well, if you don't want me here....'. :(

OP posts:
manicbmc · 19/05/2012 11:34

You have my sympathy. Dd is 17 and never ever stays over at her dad's - she goes for tea about once a fortnight. Plus she is now off school until the end of June, as she's just finished her AS levels.

I really relished yesterday afternoon as it was my last bit of on my own time I'll have for the next 5 weeks.

Could you back track with ds, saying how important it is to maintain a relationship with his dad? Or could you get their dad onside to make visits more interesting?

squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 11:41

If you were still together with their father, then this wouldnt be an option anyway, so YABU really.

MsKittyFane · 19/05/2012 11:43

YABU for the same reason squeaky said.

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 19/05/2012 11:48

manic - I have a terrible relationship with their dad so I can't broach the issue, but I do think that part of the problem is that they don't do anything when they are with him and his wife and they are overcrowded at his place.

OP posts:
MsKittyFane · 19/05/2012 11:50

So why would you want your DC to go there?

exexpat · 19/05/2012 11:52

YANBU to want a night on your own, but you have to realise that most people with children very rarely get one.

I'm a lone parent, widowed, so DCs are always here, except for very rare occasions when they have both arranged sleepovers with separate friends for the same night. Same presumably applies to most married/living together couples. TBH, I'm not surprised your DS took it as 'not wanting him there'.

MsKittyFane · 19/05/2012 11:52

I know you need some time to yourself but if they are teenagers surely can just do your own thing.

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 19/05/2012 11:59

Squeaky and Ms Kitty - if I was still in a relationship with their dad it would be a completely different situation!

13 nights in a fortnight I cook dinner, supervise homework, take an interest in my kids lives, do the cleaning, and pay the bills, and try to teach my dcs how to be decent human beings (well, nagging them to do washing up). I do this without any support from their dad or from my family. I also work full time to keep us in shoes and the odd trip out.

One night a fortnight I don't do any of that - I recharge my batteries ready for the next fortnight. I suffer from depression so I need this time to just 'be'.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 12:00

Sorry but as far as kids are concerned, you dont get "nights off".

Original poster
DeckSwabber · 19/05/2012 12:04

So why would you want your DC to go there?

Kitty - they have a dad - why would I not want them to see him? Not their fault that we split up. I'd like them to see more of him but I can't make that happen if neither he nor they show any inclination.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeckSwabber · 19/05/2012 12:07

Sorry but as far as kids are concerned, you dont get "nights off".

Well, my -ex gets loads.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 12:07

This is an inevitable stage when they are teenagers. They dont need supervision, and they want to be out with their mates.

Again, if their parents were living together, no teen would expect to stay in with them every other weekend, they would be off out enjoying their own thing, and that is something that divorced parents have to deal with and accept.

ladyinthelibrary · 19/05/2012 12:08

Deckswabber - I am with you 100% Similar situation, have 12 days/nights out of 14 to do everything for 2 DDs and 1 DGS (3). Also suffer from depression/anxiety and my alternate child-free weekend is what keeps me sane and hopefully makes me a better parent for those 12 days. If I were with their dad, I assume the load would be spread over the two of us, so it would seem easier. No worrying how to pick up the teen at 9pm when the 3yo is supposed to be asleep, or other situations where you just cannot be in two places at once. No grandparents around for the kids either, so no break there. I'm sure I will get flamed for this - but I dread the day mine want to stop going (although one won't stop because her dad will make her feel guilty). The freedom of not being 'on call' (although it does still happen) is lovely.
And if you want to flame me, walk a mile in my shoes first.

squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 12:09

OP, this seems to be bitterness towards your ex more than anything else. As you say, it isnt the fault of the children that their parents do not live together, but your house is their HOME.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/05/2012 12:12

Im with skueakytoy on this one, you don't get a night alone when you have kids.
Once you give birth you are a mother for atleast 18 years and even more, you cannot expect a 17 year old just to disappear so you can have a night to yourself.
Why dont you go out instead, 17 y could babysit whilst you have some time to yourself?

DPrince · 19/05/2012 12:14

I can see why your child took it that way. Yes you ex gets lots of nights off, would you prefer to be him (and have the kids not want to stay) or you (and you kids wanting to be at home). Personally, yes it would be nice to get a night off, but that's not realistic when you have kids living with you. He may be their dad but I wouldn't want my dcs to go anywhere they didn't want to go or felt in the way.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/05/2012 12:14

It isn't your childs fault your ex doesn't have him-don't blame your dc for the fathers actions

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/05/2012 12:18

Don't you agree with the OP that as a single parent, the load isn't spread as it would be if she were still with the children's dad?

I don't think YABU OP- everyone needs some alone time.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/05/2012 12:19

Oh but I also wouldn't make him go if he didn't want to...

shockers · 19/05/2012 12:19

I completely understand how you feel, but not sure you should have articulated it to your son. He already doesn't feel at home at his dad's.

I was a single parent for 7 years... it's much easier to parent when there's two of you IMhumbleO.

OTTMummA · 19/05/2012 12:21

yanbu op

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 12:21

Sorry but I think you have got a leetle bit spoilt as far as me time goes. If you were with his DF then this wouldn't happen anyway.

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 12:24

Ok just read some more of your replies and can undersatnd where you are coming from a bit more. Would it be possible to get away at all, cheap travelodge? Night out?

JoanOfNark · 19/05/2012 12:47

Do none of you with partners get time off? Do you never go out,never leave them to put kids to bed,etc? More fool you if you don't, and why shouldn't op want time to herself as well, her ex-h gets plenty of it no doubt.

seeingstars · 19/05/2012 12:48

Why can't op do that? Confused

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