To want a night on my own?

[DeckSwabber]

Teenage children have started to opt in and out of their one night a fortnight with their dad. I don't seem to have this one bit of personal space any more. Tried to explain to eldest that there is a difference between being by myself and actually by myself for a night, and being by myself while ds is in his room and I'm doing the ironing in another room.

It came out all wrong and he ended up saying 'well, if you don't want me here....'. :(

On one hand you say it's not much fun for your DC to see their dad because they don't do much and it's overcrowded.
So I asked why would you want them to go there. Being their dad is not enough if he is not being much of a dad IYSWIM. It's better if they are where they are happy.

The term 'single parent' IMO should apply when there is only one parent on the scene.
My friend is one and has no family or ex to help out at all.
Another friend is a martyr to her single parent status yet one out of every two weekends her DC are with their father and her parents are with her DC and her every day.
I live with my DH and DC. Most of the time I am on my own with DC due to DH work commitments. I have no family nearby to help.

I would also love a weekend to myself OP.

As the ex is married with more kids or stepkids maybe he doesnt get any nights off at all either.

That isnt the issue though. The issue is a teenager being made to feel unwelcome and unwanted in their own home.

I don't get what relevance it is that the ex may or may not get nights off. I would rather my kids wanted to be with me, as seems to be the ops case. Yes a night off would be nice, but i would be happy that they want to be at home with me. Speaks volumes about the relationship the dcs have with their parents. these kids don't feel welcome at their dads and have been told that they must go because mum wants time to herself. I wonder why he is upset?

Some of you have read a lot into the situation that isn't there! Where did you get the idea that ex has other children? He doesn't. Where did you get the idea children are not welcome at their Dad's? They are.

I would never make my boys go to their dad if they didn't want to. DS told me yesterday that he was going. Then said this morning that he wasn't going. Changing his mind all time without checking it out with the parents is probably just as annoying for ex as it is for me. A couple of weekends ago two of them changed their mind at the last minute and then the third decided he didn't want to go on his own - this seemed terribly unfair on Dad who was expecting them and I finally persuaded at least one of them to keep to the arrangement.

I talk to the boys and their dad about once every six months to make sure arrangement is working and everyone says it works fine. I also copy wife into emails which concern dates etc so that she knows what discussion is taking place and can be involved.

I can assure you that my three sons are very much loved and if they stopped going to their dad for any reason I would rethink how I manage the practicalities, one of which is managing my mental health - but this is the current arrangement and I was looking forward to my night.

I am fully aware that I mishandled the situation and feel completely rubbish about myself - hence the post. Thanks to those of you who have been so understanding and supportive.

Although the op could probably of worded her self differently and more senstivly, teenagers are not young children, i think most would be capable of understanding that sometimes parents may just want some peace and quite alone aswell, everyone needs that sometimes, and if you have depression/anxiety it is quite irritating for anyone to just change plans suddenly when you have been looking forward to something, even if it is just being by yourself.

theres a whole load of projection going on. We don't all need to constantly needed, ot to be stuck to our children every single day of the week.
No harm for a teenager to learn that his mother is a person too and has needs and wants of her own.

Maybe it was your post at 11.48 that suggested the issues you have a problem with people 'making up'. Maybe you need to be more clear. Your posts suggest that they don't like going.

DPrince - its hard to know what are real issues and which are not. I know they are welcome at Dads, and they have never, not once, said they don't want to go for any reason I would worry about. I know Dad does want to see them. The overcowding might be an issue? I don't know. I don't think my posts suggests that they have to be forced to go against their will!

It's not unreasonable to want some personal space but it's not always realistic to expect it once you are a parent and particularly a lone parent. However, teenagers ought to be able to give you some space without constant demands.

Me and DP have five children between us, all very similar in age. By the time they were 14, we'd moved to a much more flexible visiting arrangements (my dcs lived with me, his with his ex-wife) and dropped the formal every other weekend, two nights in the week pattern. However, this didn't come without taking the various parental arrangements into account too so if dp's ex-wife had specific plans for a particular weekend then we would automatically spend it with his children. And vice versa.

What we didn't encourage were very last minute decisions about not visiting whichever parent had assumed they were being stayed with. Because that wasn't fair on anyone. So I'd be inclined, in your case, OP, to be flexible about when your dcs see their father but to expect them to honour prior arrangements and not suddenly decide they don't fancy going.

You do get a bit of time to yourself when you have a partner that lives with you or at least more than when you are a single parent - it must be very full on when you are a single parent and I understand why the OP feels that way.

However, I think it is unreasonable to expect the children to be out of the way if they don't really want to go to their dads.

I understand what you mean - it's perfectly reasonable to want some time to yourself even if it's not practical!

My dh often works away from home all week but has been in his office at home all the last week. I have 3 teenagers doing public exams and a little one who needs keeping happy and is missing them hugely because they are revising instead of playing with her. Dh has a friend staying (on the sofa) to do some work for him and I am trying to keep 2 very driven and stressed girls calm. I have reached exploding point, am having panic attacks and just want to cry and hide under the duvet. Cried in the loo at Cafe Nero the other day simply because it was the first time I'd felt I wasn't crowded in for weeks. Obviously then painted my smile back on and got on with it.

YANBU but such is life.

Your DC are teenagers so should be able to give you some space regardless of whether or not they are at their dad's house. As others have said, everyone needs space and with younger DC it can be almost impossible. Don't feel guilty about telling your DS that you like this time alone. He should be old enough to see that you are your own person too.
One of your first posts but I do think that part of the problem is that they don't do anything when they are with him and his wife and they are overcrowded at his place. suggest your DC's aren't keen on going or that your ex doesn't make much effort.
I would work on ge

I would work on getting your DC to realise that you are not just a mum/ at their beck and call. Stand firm about trips to their dad's - they should go.
BTW, the more info you have posted gives a clearer picture different to 'I wan't a night off, Ex DH gets them blah blah*

Everything feels much better in the morning. Housework done, shopping in, afternoon of cooking planned to get set for the week, then a bit of gardening.

TBH I think this 'free time' is pretty much at an end. Oldest two are old enough to have their own lives and make their own decisions. I will talk to them about it being rude to change plans at the last minute without checking - its just not good manners. Otherwise from now on I won't expect to have the house to myself.

I'm sad that oldest sees less and less of his dad and I think it is partly because dad and wife don't make much effort. According to the boys, wife often makes herself scarce when they are around (including Christmas Day!) but it doesn't seem to bother them and dad is obviously very pleased to see them. I have encouraged Dad to see more of the boys but this isn't well received. He likes his kids-free weeknights and weekends and kids-free foreign holidays with his wife - irritating but his business and ultimately his loss, IMO.

On reflection, I'm sure my disappointment with how my ex parents his boys contributed to yesterdays meltdown, so not fair to take it out on son and I conclude that while IANBU to want Dad to do his bit, and IANBU to expect good manners from my son, but I need to change my expectations so that son doesn't get caught in the middle.

Thanks for all your help sorting this out!

Pleased you managed to sort out how you feel about this. For what it is worth, your children will soon be out all the time with their own social lives and you will get plenty of time alone!