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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why men tend to wait till they have someone else before ending a relationship/marriage...

53 replies

MistyRocks · 19/05/2012 11:09

...and women don't?

i speak as someone who ended my previous marriage purely because i was unhappy and didn't want to be with xH anymore. and many of my female friends have done the same, without having anyone waiting in the wings as it were.

but most men i know went from one relationship to another, basically leaving their ex for their new P however they want to dress it up

and reading the relationship boards the stories on there seem to follow a similar pattern. i am not saying its always the case but i think it probably is most of the time.

are men just crap at being on their own or what?

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 19/05/2012 11:12

Yep, a majority of men are crap at being on their own. Quite fikkle imo. Some men would rather be with anyone than alone. Doesn't bode well for their next relationship does it.

I know a lot of women who are like that too though....very needy.

OhNoMyFanjo · 19/05/2012 11:13

I think it's cocklodger and manchildren who do it.

teanosugar · 19/05/2012 11:15

because they can't manage on their own like women can.

I think men are always the first to remarry when a partners dies as well.

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 19/05/2012 11:28

I think women do that too.

squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 11:38

Plenty of women do it to, but more women manage to keep it quiet until a while afterwards.

AlbertoFrog · 19/05/2012 11:39

I know a few women who are like this but would agree that on the whole it seems to be mostly men who need someone, anyone, in their life rather than being on their own.

Maybe women are just better at being single? I'm perfectly content with my own company but DH seems to need people around him.

Or are women more proactive and don't put up with shit whereas men don't realise how bad things are until someone new shows them how good it can be?

Doodlekitty · 19/05/2012 11:43

As a woman I need to hang my head and say I do this. I don't overlap but I won't leave until I know I have something lined up. Broke up with ex and got together with (now) DH 2 days later. (in my defence ex was a prat).

I have been terrified of being alone, I just don't cope. So happy to be settled with wonderful man now.

FreudianSlipper · 19/05/2012 11:46

i know a few women who have done the same thing, but yes more men than women that i know of personally

i think women maybe better at hiding it, the men i have known to be cheating it has been quite obvious, the women i have been really surprised

i also only know women who have moved on from the relationship once they have cheated on their partner. i am not sure if this is always their decision or their partner not wanting to try and work things out. but of course this is only people i know

FreudianSlipper · 19/05/2012 11:49

i was also another one who went from relationship to relationship, once i knew i wanted to move on (or had got bored) i found someone else. from the ages of 15 to 33 i do nto think i was ever single for more than a month

have been on my own for the last 5 years (had a few flings)and feel i am far more confident for it and sure of myself and what i want and do not want in a relationshop

trikken · 19/05/2012 11:49

I think both men and women can do it.

rustygusset · 19/05/2012 11:50

I think it's wrong to tar all men with the same brush but anyone that does this isn't secure in themselves and probably needs to work on that before jumping into another relationship.

bamboobutton · 19/05/2012 11:51

isn't there a saying about this "a monkey won't let go of one branch 'til he has hold of another" or something.

agree both men and women can do it.

ImBetterThanYou · 19/05/2012 11:53

They are scared of doing their own washing.

monkeymoma · 19/05/2012 11:55

I know lots of women who've done this, I know women who've never been single since their teens, always overlapping, moving from one mans house into anothers

I know a woman who is now married to a man who she would have dumped years ago had the next one she had lined up worked out, but he didn't, so rather than be single she stayed with her then boyfriend and they are now married. She said at the time that she WOULD dump boyfriend if other man worked out.

OP more women than men POST on the relationship boards, therefore more women than men will be moaning about their OHs doing this on there, that doesn't mean that more women than men do it!

monkeymoma · 19/05/2012 11:58

thinking of the male and female examples I know of who've done this, none of the women i know who've done this call it cheating or admit to doing anything wrong

seems to me, men do it they're cheats, women do it they couldn't help who they fell in love with it just wasn't their fault the timing was bad, usually backed up with something like "and we never had full sex till I finished with A because that would be wrong, we just kissed and cuddled"

VictoriaWould · 19/05/2012 12:00

Who would wash their socks otherwise?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/05/2012 12:10

I did this when I split with my dc's Dad. I knew I wanted to split with him for ages but it wasn't until I found someone else that was nice to me that I had the confidence and the strength to actually force ex to leave.

monkeymoma · 19/05/2012 12:16

Freddos demonstrates exactly what I'm talking about

DPrince · 19/05/2012 12:21

Its not a case of some men/ women. Some people do it. Not the majority of either sex. If I looked at my social circle, more women do this than men. But that's just my social circle and doesn't mean most women do.

Original poster
MistyRocks · 19/05/2012 12:46

Or are women more proactive and don't put up with shit whereas men don't realise how bad things are until someone new shows them how good it can be?

^^ i agree with that frog

OP posts:
Bagofholly · 19/05/2012 12:58

Statistically most men who are widowed, remarry within 2 years. Something to do with having Someone for the practicalities of life.

Bagofholly · 19/05/2012 12:58

To add, if you're single and after a husband, find a widower.

mrspepperpotty · 19/05/2012 13:01

Bagofholly, that might be just that, as statistically men are older than their wives and also die younger, there are a lot more widows around for the widowers to choose from?

edam · 19/05/2012 13:03

Married men live longer than unmarried men. Unmarried women live longer than married women. It's a massive generalisation, admittedly, but many men can't cope on their own - or don't want to cope on their own. Women are better IMO at being single - or often realise they are better at being single after putting up with crap from men for too long. (That's not bitter personal experience speaking, have been with dh for 23 years - merely observation of friends and family.)

My Dad proposed to my Stepmother mere days after my Mother had finally convinced him that no, she wasn't going to try again...

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/05/2012 13:06

I think there's more of an accepted narrative for men who do it - there's that story of 'my psycho ex who stalks me and won't accept it's over' (=my girlfriend I've actually not broken up with yet!). I don't think there's the same narrative for women and people seem to judge women more harshly for 'two-timing'.

Maybe this is to do with being on MN which is female-dominated, but I've also noticed how often people are ready to believe the 'other woman' must be deliberately targeting a married man or 'waiting' to break up a relationship, as if the bloke involved is some poor innocent who can't help being tempted astray.

That said, I am probably quite cynical since my ex completely fooled me with a 'my psycho ex' story and simultaneously managed to imply to his ex and her mates that I'd 'stolen' him away. He told me they'd split up several weeks before he told her. Funnily enough, I only worked this one out when he got together with his new woman, but decided he'd stay with me until our tenancy agreement was up, so he didn't have to worry about paying the rent for himself.

I am now inclined to be very sceptical when I hear blokes who talk about a 'psycho' ex girlfriend - it's not always a warning sign but often it really is!