to wonder why men tend to wait till they have someone else before ending a relationship/marriage...

[MistyRocks]

...and women don't?

i speak as someone who ended my previous marriage purely because i was unhappy and didn't want to be with xH anymore. and many of my female friends have done the same, without having anyone waiting in the wings as it were.

but most men i know went from one relationship to another, basically leaving their ex for their new P however they want to dress it up

and reading the relationship boards the stories on there seem to follow a similar pattern. i am not saying its always the case but i think it probably is most of the time.

are men just crap at being on their own or what?

LRD I think its the other way round

woman are better at justifying it IMO, like Freddos, who may well be justified but men don't get away with justifying it so much and are always cheaters who ran off with the other woman. What Freddo said could apply to a man but who'ld buy it.

The women I know who've done it all have reasons and justifications, but if a man does it noone says "weeeell he cant help with whom/when he falls in love can he?", they get "he CHOSE to leave me and his children for another woman"

I totally agree most men do this, personally I don't know any women who have.

I think boys and men are less secure emotionally and cope less well alone.
I think its also to do with not wanting to do the domestic side and not wanting to forgo sex.

I know men are much more likely to start a relationship sooner after being widowed.

As a cancer nurse I saw men actively looking for a partner even as their partner was dying or in the immediate aftermath. One of my young breast cancer patients' husband met his new girlfriend at her funeral. No judgement, just another way men and women are different.

I'm sure plenty of women do it too.

It's funny how a good relationship can make you feel happier about the prospect of being single.

"It's funny how a good relationship can make you feel happier about the prospect of being single"

that's true!

monkey - yes, I guess I've heard that one, too. Maybe there's a difference in terms of attitudes to men/women with children and without, though? Because women who end relationships and stop being the main carer of their children get incredibly reviled - much more so than men.

I know men and women who have done this . The women tend to be the sort who cant cope emotionally on their own , even though they are very 'strong' women. The men tend to move from one comfort zone to another , where their basic needs will be met and where they wont have to think too hard .
I end relationships if they are not working , i am quite happy on my own and enjoy the head space that not being in a relationship allows.

Cross-posted. Yeah, that is pretty awful LeQ.

I think I would say this is why there's a problem when some way of explaining yourself becomes a 'narrative' that everyone feels familiar with in a society - the 'pyscho ex' is such a common story I think some men just grow up with it and it's always there for them to draw on to explain what they do.

I think maybe if we all challenged it more often, it would be less available in that way, and maybe we'd be less inclined to fall for it?

(Btw, sorry, I am putting this really clumsily, but not trying to be pretentious with the word 'narrative - I just can't think of another word for it right now.)

I always did this, until dumping abusive ex. First time ever i didnt have anyone lined up. Only took me till 41

babybarrister, do you think that that might be just because women are more likely to CITE it?

my god mother met her partner after the marriage broke down and the wife met subsequently someone else, they were separated before my GM met the husband but still married, and the wife had already met her now partner. they were a bit shocked that wife then cited my godmother in the divorce.

I still think that it may be because women are better at making it not look like cheating, or doing things like not having full sex till the separation/divorce is through where they have been having an emotional affair that they call a shoulder to cry on. Men are a bit crapper at making themselves look innocent, if they line up someone else it's always "the other woman", a woman can have a new man on the sidelines without it looking like "the other man"

IME there is rarely a shortage of women to take up with even the least desirable of men and convince themselves that they can change them. I see it happen less often the other way around.

Gah, we keep cross-posting, sorry!

I think it is because a good relationship makes you feel happy about yourself and confident that there is someone else who finds you loveable and good company. Whereas when I was with my ex, he constantly made me feel as if I was very lucky to be with him because I was basically quite a boring, needy person - I was really afraid that if I was single, I wouldn't be able to cope.

I think really good relationships are where you try as hard as you can to make the other person know they're wonderful and loved and exciting. I love DH to bits, but he doesn't make me feel as if I couldn't cope without him.

like the woman in a divorce may have a "man friend" and the man has "the other woman" and the wife still feels justified in being the victim of adultery

LRD I think you are right, a good relationship gives you confidence, makes you feel that whatever happens, you will cope and cope well. You can feel that you can take on the whole world and win.

A bad one leaves you feeling that you cant do anything because you are nothing without your partner. If that stays with you then you could easily fall immediately into a new (probably bad) relationship because you simply dont believe that you can be alone.

maybe they are cleverer than woman

after all whats best - getting someone else to do all the shopping/washing/cleaning or being alone and doing it yourself

so what if you have to put up with a bit of nagging - drag it out till she gets fed up and leaves then move on to the next doormat

sorted

"a monkey won't let go of one branch 'til he has hold of another"

In my experience - friends and some family - it's more women than men who do this.

Just to add some balance, you see....

Given that I think we already have enough sexist, man-bashing threads on MN.

I was at a meeting once and there were about 30 men there. The subject of being dumped came up. All of the men claimed to have never ended a relationship. They all behaved badly tried to start arguments so they would be dumped. If they failed they cheated and didn't try to hide it.

So maybe many can't cope with just being honest.