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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my husband to suffer looking after the children today.

37 replies

Somethingwicked · 19/05/2012 10:07

His hours out of the house are sometimes 8am to 8pm but more usually til 10/11pm. He has been working or away for 12 days and his average time spent with children in a day is 25 mins in the morning (and average time spent on the domestic stuff is nil). He is a great dad and this is just our crap circumstances at the moment. Our children are 4,2 and 2. I am having a day of r and r to try and fend off a nervous breakdown and my evil side just wants him to feel my pain. Unfortunately I have already done 3 hours of childcare/housework/packing up bags for them to get them out the house, so should have just locked myself away at 8am or not surfaced at all. Should I ask him to do bedtime on his own too and run away for the day, or have supper ready for them all at 5.30 and take over while he recovers? This is just my mean side, I am not totally evil.

OP posts:

OAM2009 · 19/05/2012 10:15

No, you're not evil or BU. we all need a rest and break sometimes and sounds like you've been working REALLY HARD lately

Why not compromise and (if u can afford it) buy some supper in (takeaway, visit to pub etc) so everyone eats but you don't have to work? You could then do bedtime together - you supervise while he works slaves

I'm sitting here seething as my DH is having a lie-in as it's his turn but I am cheating as we're all watching "Singing Lions" (The Lion King)

blackeyedsusan · 19/05/2012 10:16

the evil side of me says leave him to it.. but really, it would depend on why he has been working late. if it is something beyond his control, I think you should help out with tea etc. chose the bits you prefer though as sometimes a change in job is better than carying on with the usual bits you get to do.

TheCrackFox · 19/05/2012 10:16

I do sympathise with you as DH does crazy hours too. However, try to remember that you are both supposed to be on the same side. In all fairnessif he is not used to looking after all the children on his own then he will find it difficult even if the DCs are all as good as gold.

BelRowley · 19/05/2012 10:17

I think if he doesn't usually see them much then he will already be feeling your pain by 530. But you sound like you need a break. If it were me (and my husband works similar hours) I'd either be there, smiling and lovely at 530 but still expect help. It'd be nice for you to parent together for a change perhaps. Or to stave off a bit if guilt, you could make the supper now, stay out and he could reheat. Or just leave a postit on the box of fish fingers.

I'm not saying you should feel guilty but my DH comes back from similar child caring days unbearably exhausted and helping with supper would make him a bit more sufferable.

tinkerbel72 · 19/05/2012 10:19

Why would you want him to suffer?

If his normal work hours involve being out of the house at least 12 hours a day (but more often 14/15) and he has just been working away for 12 days, then I can't see how he can easily spend more than 25 mins with the kids. It's not his fault they are in bed before he gets home. He's probably missing them and wishing he didn't have to work such crap hours.

I would be careful what you wish for. If you're going to wish ill on him, perhaps he'll turn round and suggest you trade places with him. I'm not saying 3 young kids is a picnic, but many people would prefer to have day with young kids than to have days with his workload.

enjoy your day off. And yes, you were daft to do loads of housework and bag packing before they went out. If he's only out til 5.30 he could have packed a bag himself with spare clothes, drinks etc. But whats done is done - enjoy a day off, but don't wish 'suffering' on him, it's negative and pointless, and anyway, after the hours he works he deserves a lovely day out with his kids - and so do they. And leave supper too. He will be more than capable of rustling something up.

bronze · 19/05/2012 10:23

Op am I reading this wrong or do you feel unappreciated? Does your dh make comments about how he works incredibly hard you have the easy life?

MsVestibule · 19/05/2012 10:52

My guess is that you don't really want him to suffer - you just want him to appreciate that your job is difficult too. And by doing some of "your" job on "his" day, he won't get the full impact and may think your job is a bit of a doss really. Am I right? cos this is the way I think

PooPooInMyToes · 19/05/2012 11:22

I wouldn't cook dinner. Just go out and come back after he has put them to bed, you need the break!

Its not about making him suffer, but i do think it would be good for him to experience your life for the day so he can empathize. I bet that's what you mean?

I've felt like that too. When i was really struggling my Dh rarely took the children out by himself but if he did he would expect help getting the kids dressed and ready and all the bags packed, food and milk prepared. For once i wanted not to be responsible for all that and for him to do it all. Used to drive me crazy!

My thinking was that he got to leave the house every day thinking only of what he needed whereas i never got that chance, as every time i went out i had to think of the needs of two small people. So if we decided he would take the kids out one day I would want to be the one walking out the door thinking only of me and getting ready in my own time etc. Whereas in reality i would still have to get the kids ready before i went (and think of every eventuality). It may seem like a small thing to someone who hasn't experienced it, but to me it was something i really needed!

Ideally yes you should have stayed in bed this morning.

ENormaSnob · 19/05/2012 11:29

Sounds like he is working hard too.

Will he get some r n r anytime soon?

hillee · 19/05/2012 11:39

OP I hear you. I am heading back to my home town for three days next week to see my new niece and DH is taking time off to look after DD and DS. He works ridiculous hours and I am equally excited to have time away alone but also to see how he fares by himself... I almost want to do the evil laugh...

He does an incredibly difficult job - academically/physically/stress levels etc. I recognise that he works extremely hard but sometimes I do want him to recognise that my day is not sunshine and rainbows. Also, he thinks nothing of fecking off to a conference for five days... while if I leave for more than a few hours I leave him with a clean house, all clothes clean, a written schedule and enough frozen meals to keep everybody sorted.

Cue evil laugh again...

MsKittyFane · 19/05/2012 11:46

You need a rest but why do you want him to feel bad? He works long hours too. How would you feel if he wished his stress/tiredness/exhaustion on you?

MsKittyFane · 19/05/2012 11:48

He probably wonders how you would cope working 8am-8pm or 8am-11pm and then coming home to more work at home.

Threelittleducks · 19/05/2012 12:05

I don't think yabu at all! Do you get a lunch hour? I'm guessing that's rare. Weekends? No? Time to dress like a grown up without being covered in snot/general ming?
Looking after kids is a long, hard, tiring slog and yes, it is completely natural to feel wiped out and need a break.
Work tiredness is not the same as child caring tiredness. I know, I did sahm for 3 years. Now I have a hard paced physically demanding knackering job which I go to to get a break from the kids!
Kudos to you! Take your time, chill and enjoy. And don't feel guilty! Lifes too short. You deserve to feel better and happy.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 19/05/2012 12:19

YABU - sounds like he is working insane hours so you can be a SAHM, then when he actually does get time with the DC you want him to 'suffer' Nice. You didn;t have to get teh stuff ready surely - ime men dont take lla the frinks, wipes, raincoats, snack etc that mums think of whne they go out, but the kids survice and usually donlt even notice the absence of fussing accoutrements.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/05/2012 12:44

MrsGuy makes a good point; I'd never go out without a bag of stuff for kids but OH often takes toddler girl out without anything... And they both survive!

I do think you're U to want him to "suffer" but I think it's just badly worded- I'm sure you mean you just want him to know what your life is like. It does sound like he works incredibly hard too, though.

tinkerbel72 · 19/05/2012 13:12

Mrsguy makes a good point- why don't you share the earning between you so that he doesn't have to work such insane hours??

PooPooInMyToes · 19/05/2012 13:15

but I think it's just badly worded- I'm sure you mean you just want him to know what your life is like.

Exactly! I think that's pretty obvious though, but as usual on mn loads of posters will take her literally and give her lots of uabu's and and faces.

camdancer · 19/05/2012 13:16

My Dad used to run a business. When he went on holiday he would hope that something small would go wrong. Not something that would stop anyone doing anything, but just enough so that they appreciated him when he got back. I guess that is what you are aiming at. Not really suffering, just appreciating that you work hard at what you do and that you are damn good at it.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 19/05/2012 13:20

Some people on here are fucking idiots.......the OP is getting a day to herself, DH is taking the kids out and some posters equate this with the OP needing to get a job.

Fuck fuck fukity off.

MamaMaiasaura · 19/05/2012 13:22

OP - I think I know what u mean. U want him to experience a bit of the experience just for a day a d prob have him say "how do you cope?" rather than "wow, that was a piece of cake, what an easy time you have". I reckon tho you dh and dc will have a ball today and he'll come back as super dad sods law.

Must be hard for you all with long hours, hope it's only short term for you all

MamaMaiasaura · 19/05/2012 13:24

fuck fuck fuck fuckity off love it ikilledigglepiggle

RetroMom · 19/05/2012 13:28

Sounds to me like you and your husband need to do a day or two or total roll swop. You do his job and he does yours. I bet you both come away from it appreciating the jobs you both do at the moment

If you have a slow cooker, throw something in it for their return, they're all going to get home tired and grumpy, aren't they? Or as someone else suggested, get a take-away in. Help him settle the kids. Then just appreciate each other.

In the meantime, feet up and do as you like!

fridakahlo · 19/05/2012 13:29

But how much of that is his choice?
My oh used to work insane hours, until I dropped my basket last summer which led to a reevaluation by him of his work/life balance and lo and behold, he no longer works insane hours.
This was always an option for him but until something made him sit up and take notice, he was not willing to think about it.
No I don't think yabu and my oh now appreciates how knackering looking after two kids is, let alone three.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 19/05/2012 13:30

MamaMaiasaura I think I may have stolen that from Malcolm Tucker, makes me feel better though............ some people eh

Adversecamber · 19/05/2012 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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