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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this just not on?

63 replies

QuickQuickSloe · 19/05/2012 08:36

my husband is adamant that I am being unreasonable and that my friend did nothing wrong but I really think her behaviour was odd and not a nice way to treat a friend.

I'll throw it open to the MN jury and take your advice!

My best friend (bridesmaid at my wedding, I am god mother to her Dd) changed towards me when I was pregnant and made me feel very excluded.

What really bothered me though was the way she also changed with my DH. Whenever we saw her she would pretty much ignore me but ask my husband what his plans for the evening were, inviting him to the pub and to go clubbing. One day I interjected and said we had planned some family time that night (it was boxing day) but she carried on as if I had said nothing and continued pressing my DH to go out with her. Her own husband would be staying home looking after their two dcs. He didnt go but she sent us both texts all night asking if I was going to allow him to go out.

Two weeks later we were at a leaving party for another friend in a bar about 40 minutes drive from home. She was making me feel like such a drama queen for having morning sickness (which always struck around 10pm) that I went to the toilets to eat some dry crackers from my handbag to try and make myself feel better. On my return they had their backs to me and I could see that she was standing very close to my DH with her hand on his arm. I walked up to them to hear her say that the pub would be closing soon. What did he think about sending me home and they could go on to a wine bar and carry on drinking. My DH said that he would be going home with me.

So, what do you think? My DH insists that she was just asking as a friend as she is a partier and just wanted a partner in crime.

I think that you don't ask your friend's husband to go out with you on the piss, especially when your friend really can't come too?

PS. I don't for one minute think that my husband is untrustworthy, she on the other hand has a poor track record on monogamy.

OP posts:

maristella · 19/05/2012 15:32

Poldark just said it all :)

Copy her post into a text to your DH!

Original poster

QuickQuickSloe · 19/05/2012 15:56

That, Poldark is EXACTLY what I am going to say to himself. Thanks!

OP posts:

Havingaminutespeace · 19/05/2012 16:21

Not read all the replies, just the OP. She sounds like a complete and utter cowbag. Waiting until you go to the toilets to try and 'send you home' so they can go out together?! Hmm, nice friend.
Also asking if he's "allowed" out as if you're stopping him? She sounds a right charmer. Not.

eeden · 19/05/2012 16:29

I'm also concerned about your DH's reactions. He should be admitting that she is trying it on with him and coming home and laughing with you about her sillyness. But he is denying she is being inappropriate.

I can't imagine asking a friend to go home whilst I went out with her husband. Really bizarre!

Original poster

QuickQuickSloe · 20/05/2012 08:08

It has just been pointed out to me that I am the only sober person (either pg of bfing) when this happens which I think goes some way to explain DH's different interpretation of her behaviour.

We're still arguing about it

OP posts:

openerofjars · 20/05/2012 08:18

Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. I bet he would just love to be sent home while you went out with another man who had been paying you lots of flirty attention, especially if he wasn't feeling at all well himself. And of course he wouldn't feel at all that it was just you being selfish and enjoying the attention at his expense.

Your friend is being a dick and your husband is loving it. Sorry.

And actually the "only sober person" bit makes it worse. It's okay for everyone else to get pissed and forget that they're married, but you are an unreasonable killjoy for objecting to this? Bollocks.

sugarice · 20/05/2012 09:33

Has your Husband not noticed that she ignores you? Regardless of missing the company of his mate, the fact that she treats you so badly when you're out together should be enough for him to support you. Stick to your guns, ignore the bitchy friend and find out why he isn't on your side.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/05/2012 09:51

For me, this is a straightforward issue about loyalty - your husband's primarily. His priority should be doing the right thing by you, so if you are uncomfortable with her behaviour, then that should be a good enough reason for him to distance himself from her. If he is refusing, and blaming you, then you have bigger problems than some slut fawning all over him.

I wouldn't lower myself to publicly telling her to back off, but I would not go out with them as a couple and if her dh asked me, I would tell him why. I would also tell my husband that he has some clear choices - he can either have a happy wife or an unhappy one and if he chooses to wilfully ignore what is blatantly obvious to anyone with eyes, he won't have a wife for much longer!

I expect to come first with my husband, above all else and if I didn't, then I would prefer to be single. To allow her to flirt with him and not tell her to fuck off is so very disrespectful.

YouOldSlag · 20/05/2012 10:05

GoPoldark has it sorted OP.

Also, what OogaBallooga (sp?) said upthread. Swap the situation around. What if it was DH's friend trying to dump him to get you at a nightclub on your own?

If the friend is all over your DH in front of you, what the hell will she be like if they were alone?

Here's Dr Slag's diagnosis: Your friend is trying to have an affair with your DH. Luckily, your DH is having none of it. However, he finds it really flattering. The "friend's" DH has had problems like this from her before and has either been cheated on or she has a history of behaving like this, hence his tears.

I reckon your DH and her DH could still be friends as long as she comes nowhere near him. I'll bet the DH knew what the problem was anyway.

Oh and don't accept ANY blame. She is the bad apple, not you.

openerofjars · 20/05/2012 18:32

^ that

YouOldSlag · 20/05/2012 21:29

Karma wrote what I was thinking.

I had a similar problem. One of DH's female friends pushed me out of the circle one night in the pub and started feeling his chest and stroking his arm. He excused himself and when she later texted him "saying don't be a stranger" he wrote back that he was with YouOldSlag and we were usually busy. He hasn't been in touch since and hasn't missed her.

THAT's how it's done OP, and that's what your DH should be doing. Anything that upsets his pregnant wife- she should be putting a stop to it, not blaming you! You need to ask him a few searching questions and tell him to make a choice.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2012 21:48

Explain to your DH in simple words, this woman is flirting and trying to engineer situations when they are out, drinking without their spouses. To any normal person this looks like she wants to have an affair with him. You will give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he hasn't seen it - but now you have pointed out to him he has to make a choice, either work out how you are going to deal with her obvious attempts to steal your husband in front of you (she is no friend of yours) or he basically tells you he wants you to let him flirt/have an affair with another woman, and actually your 'friend' isn't the problem.

DontmindifIdo · 20/05/2012 21:54

you could also show him this thread. See what he says. QQS's DH, do you want an affair with her 'friend'?

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