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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There is absolutley no fucking way I am being unreasonable but could I have done more?

44 replies

Kayano · 18/05/2012 23:14

My bridesmaid (dh relative) was 16 at the time and is 19 now.

she posts semi clad pictures of herself all over facebook and makes awful jokes and had really gone off the rails since we saw her last. I tried to speak to her then but she didnt want to know and said I was having a go at her. I wasn't, but was concerned about her.

She said she was going to try for a baby with her brand new boyfriend who had already deleted male friends from her facebook and we were all worried about this. He seemed quite controlling.

I've stayed her friend on fb despite her deleting dh and all his family just in case she ever needed to talk or posted that she was in trouble (she lives about 6 hours from us one way)

However today she had actually made me sick. I got in, checked Facebook and she was talking about her new boyfriend and how he was gorgeous but dressed like a 'nigger.'

I was so shocked I was going to say something to DH and ask what I should do (if i unfriended her or had a go then she would have lost all connection to her family in this area so I just wanted to get his perspective)

but then as i was waiting for DH she updated her status to this:

AHAHAHAH!!! fucking crease up...xxnamexx...Just text me saying 'forget about getting married, why dont we just rape eachother!' ahahahahahaaaaaa..... ♥

Well... sod waiting for DH and keeping a connection to her. Her and the person involved were commenting 'lol' and 'still fucking creased' etc

I replied:

That's disgusting. There is nothing remotely funny about rape. You both need to grow the fuck up.

I've blocked her. DH isn't happy as I was the only one who could find out where she was and what was going on with her. My though

she makes me sick now but at the same time I am sad as she was my bridesmaid but she has changed sooo much! She isn't a kid anymore she is 19 but acts like a silly little girl. She is so ignorant it is breathtaking

OP posts:
doinmummy · 18/05/2012 23:21

Are you in touch with her parents?

larks35 · 18/05/2012 23:21

19 is still young though, still a teenager. Horrible comments I agree but it is a shame if all her family lose touch with her, she'll need them at some point. Couldn't you just ignore the silliness and be around when she needs you? I think that is what I would do in this situation.

Original poster
Kayano · 18/05/2012 23:24

No. She lived with her gran and step granddad.

We are actually the step grandfathers relatives so not related by blood and they have since split. No way to contact the gran (court ongoing issues) or her.

I have given her the benefit of the doubt for over 2 years but that was the last straw for me. She thinks she is big and clever but she is just awful and cruel and ignorant

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayano · 18/05/2012 23:27

She has a lot
Of family down south but would lose touch with us in the north. She wasn't bothered anyway.

19 is. Teenager but it's also an adult. Would you have said nigger or make fun of rape at 19?
Her age is a red herring here she should know better.

I know plenty of 19 year
Olds (some of them amazing mothers who give me advice!)

19 year olds can be studying to be doctors so I'm sorry but her age at 19 is just not an excuse

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 18/05/2012 23:27

She is 19. Old enough to live alone and have her own baby (not something I'm recommending) but moreso proving the point that she is old enough to know what is and isn't acceptable.

I don't think you were BU OP. It sounds like she needs someone to tell her how ridiculous she is being. Unfortunately, I don't think your response will change her opinion. And even if this was a private joke between friends it's still disgusting.

doinmummy · 18/05/2012 23:28

Could you have a chat on the phone with her?

I know that lots of things are posted on face book just to get a reaction. They are meant to be 'funny' and would never be said in RL.

I dont think youngsters realise what they are posting. I have had to pull my DD up on the language that she has used on FB.

Birdsgottafly · 18/05/2012 23:29

but her age at 19 is just not an excuse

Thenit's her upbringing (or lack of), or the company/lifestyle that she has fell into.

All the more reason to hide her posts but keep the lines of communication open.

doinmummy · 18/05/2012 23:30

I dont think you are BU though.

Birdsgottafly · 18/05/2012 23:31

I agree with Doin, i am disgusted by what is posted by perfectly reasonable people.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2012 05:25

Nope. No way I'd have been using the N word or downplaying rape at 19. I was working with homeless offenders including rapists at 19. Plenty of 19 year olds know better. You can leave the door open... maybe she will grow out of this crap.

Dolcelatte · 19/05/2012 05:39

Why are you stalking her? Get a life.

You should be there for her if she needs you although this seems unlikely. You are not responsible for her actions, bad or good. She is not your child, she does not live near you - it is not even clear whether or not you have seen her since the wedding.

Original poster
Kayano · 19/05/2012 07:43

Stalking her?! Hmm

I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving the channel of
Communications open. We were all worried about her after she got in with a bad crowd of people.

This popped up on Facebook. I didn't go stalking her. That is so rude

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayano · 19/05/2012 07:46

We see her once a year when we visit. Last time I tried to have a talk with her (at the request of family) but she didn't want to know.

So I left it and just let her be but tried to leave the door open. I think I was a bit hasty blocking her but it was v upsetting seeing those statuses

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 19/05/2012 07:56

Kayano Of course you're not stalking her! Her FB wall posts will appear on your news feed.

Can you unblock her but hide her wall posts, but so that you are there for her if she wants to talk.

HelloShitty · 19/05/2012 08:18

My niece is the same age. She is a lovely (but often immature) girl who posts the most horrendously naiive and misguided stuff, often sexual, on FB. I adore her, but have had to 'defriend' her as I can't bear reading the absolute shit she comes out, not to mention her appalling grammar and spelling.

Different situation to your's as we are in regular contact through family anyway, but just wanted to say that FB isn't always a true reflection of our real selves.

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 19/05/2012 08:33

I agree that she is posting awful stuff.

But I don't think you should have blocked her, now you can't watch out for her....

griphook · 19/05/2012 08:34

I understand how u feel but my ds is astranged at the moment, we had one friend who was on his face book, ss deleted him After he wrote something along the same lines as you and now we don't have any lines of communication open

Greythorne · 19/05/2012 08:43

I agree that she is posting very immature and shocking stuff. But that's FB for you. A lot of people post very, very unsavory stuff in the name of humour. It's a little bit like MN where people post stuff, abuse others, share things they never woukd in RL. Although FB is not annonymous, people behave very differently on it.

Which means that if your only contact is through FB, it might not be reoresentative of her.

But, as a PP said, she is not your responsibility. She is not your child or even a close relative. She is now an adult. She has to live her life as she sees fit. You can neither live her life for her nor try to help her live the kind of life you would want for her, no matter how well-meaning you are.

I think you are righg to have blocked her. It sounds like her posts wind you up, and you have no influence over her and you never see her to check if she is really ok, so blocking sounds sensible.

That's life. People disappoint us. And we disappoint others.

ShellyBoobs · 19/05/2012 09:06

Can I just say that Facebook is the work of the devil; it's the root of so much fucking conflict and consternation.

With a bit of luck, the vastly over-valued IPO will see its downfall. When there's too little revenue to justify the share price it will result in FB pages being so utterly plastered in advertising that it becomes unusable.

Just saying... Wink

As you were, everyone. Brew

bringbacksideburns · 19/05/2012 09:57

I would have got rid of her after the nigger comment tbh.

It's your DH who needs to keep contact if he can as she doesn't appear to have any involved parents, but at the end of the day she is an adult.

Hopefully she'll turn into a decent person in the future?

MarySA · 19/05/2012 10:09

I think you did the right thing in blocking her. She sounds a total and complete idiot. You just have to hope that this is a silly phase and she'll grow out of it. I don't much like FB as it can bring out the worst in some people.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 19/05/2012 10:18

Hide her posts but keep the lines open. She maybe 19 but some 19 year olds can still be pretty immature in my experience.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/05/2012 10:19

You did the right thing blocking her, but I would have done that without posting anything so she might not notice that you were blocking her. By blocking her, you have effectively said you don't want to hear from her, so if she ever does need your help, she's not going to feel she can call on you. But, she is an adult, and she has to live by the choices she makes now. I don't have much sympathy for her.

RoxyRobin · 19/05/2012 10:21

You've done all you reasonably can. Just let her get on with it now. I'm sure she's not done with posting this sort of stuff, and it sounds like it's getting under your skin.

If she needs help she knows where you are, and if she wants to she'll come looking.

BelRowley · 19/05/2012 10:24

Just hide her posts. I feel as though you are overreacting a bit. She's a teenager. They post nonsense on Facebook. That's life.

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