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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for help from Granny?

34 replies

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 21:22

Right, I am a pain in the arse when it comes to health, I know this. I try very hard to ask for minimal help so that when I really do need it I have it. I have two chronic physical health problems (arthritis and kidney disease) and two chronic mental health problems. I am a single mum to two lovely children.

This week I have spread the load, so to speak, as I have been stuck in the first half of the week with sick DD (fever, sleeping, vomiting) and then I have been feeling ten times worse than usual since Wednesday myself. DS has been picked up by his dad, my ex, all week as I was unable to get up to the school at all. I paid for extra care a couple of days to suit his uni hours, and to drop my DD off in the latter part of the week once. Can't afford to do it often, so it's limited even when I am ill (which will hopefully change when DLA is sorted and social services get my care package in place). My mum took my DS out on Wed, she finished work early, it was her choice to take him out as I only asked for her to drop him off at his dad's house. It was roughly twenty minutes of care, which I am very grateful for. My best friend also came round on Wed night to feed me and help with DD to give me a rest as I was starting to feel very rough.

Today I had no choice but to do the school run, I slept all day and took meds so that they would be effective while I was out. Have not eaten or drank much at all for two days due to sore throat. I got to the school and nearly passed out. Stupid of me, thought the fresh air might help, but the walk was too much. Ended up in a taxi to the medical centre, diagnosed with tonsillitis. Another taxi to Burger King as am unfit to cook, and the shop over the way does pet food, my rabbits haven't had proper food the past few days and it was important.

I called my mum with an SOS, asking for any help at all over the weekend as I am really going to struggle with my DD who is three and a real handful at the best of times. She's basically said no as she "did the gardening last weekend and needs a rest".

I am probably being unreasonable feeling a bit hurt that when I am this ill she says no, but what can you do? I have already put upon everyone this week and your mum is always supposed to be there for you, AIBU to wish she'd be more "there" sometimes?

I've written this out now and I think I am being UR, please be gentle. I just don't know what I can do sometimes, I already ask for so much from people, I feel like such a burden.

OP posts:
FayeGovan · 18/05/2012 21:25

you're not a burden, you can't help being ill

its rubbish your mum isn't helping more, but going by a lot of posts on MN some grannies are hopeless, sorry if you have one of them....

hope you feel better soon

Gumby · 18/05/2012 21:25

Wow that sounds tough

Really not sure what to suggest

Maybe you need a carer? What if your mum wasn't around?
Can you afford taxis to take the kids to school? Or a childminder?

Gumby · 18/05/2012 21:27

your mum is always supposed to be there for you

Mine lives hundreds of miles away

I'm not sure it's true really

FayeGovan · 18/05/2012 21:32

it should be true, but sadly often isn't Sad

Noqontrol · 18/05/2012 21:34

Is your mum not very well or fit herself? Just wondering why should would say that otherwise? Or has she never been very helpful?

Gapants · 18/05/2012 21:36

That sucks, really sorry to hear how tough it is for you.

It does sound like you need to figure out better support system, more people, more hands, more care. Can you do that? Are there friends you would not ask as you don't fee comfortable?

My neighbour is a SP, with 2 young kids. She made a big effort after having a bit of a breakdown to make more connections and more friends so she had a better support system. So now she has lots of people to ask for help with. You need to do that.

Have you talked to your HV, and your local sure start centre?

ChitChatFlyingby · 18/05/2012 21:39

YANBU! That's awful - I know how horrible it is to be ill and to have noone to help with the DC. TBH this is where TV is the best babysitter. Cosy up on the sofa with your pain relief and medication (don't stink on the pain relief, tonsillitis is bloody horrible) and watch dvds on repeat loop if you must. Get takeaways/deliveries - a few days of junk food will not harm you DC. Whatever gets you through, you poor thing.

ChitChatFlyingby · 18/05/2012 21:39

Stint, not stink!!! Blush

QuintessentialShadows · 18/05/2012 21:42

Very often it isnt true.

My mum is still alive, but she has dementia, and no concept of anything. She is keen to talk about her baby son, a doll, though.

My sympathies though.

If you have chronic health problems, would an au pair be of any use for you?

queenofthepirates · 18/05/2012 21:45

Yep I can identify this! Have you checked out to see if there's a Gingerbread friendship group in your area? Networking with other single parents might be your key to getting a bit of reliable help when you need it.

Sending you a hug xxx

Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 21:53

My homestart helper didn't turn up this week, still waiting to hear why actually - she was due 10am Thursday and I called at 11:00am and spoke to them and am awaiting a call, and the sure start centre are good for helping out generally but not in a health emergency.

I just did my SS care assessment so am in the process of organising my own care so I can be more independent, and hopefully DLA will be sorted soon so that I can afford to get taxis on bad days and be more self sufficient. Right now I can't afford much at all as I already stretch myself to afford nursery and help with morning school runs. Money is in a horrible state right now and I am scared to even look at it right now.

Mum is well enough, no health problems, working full time though and recently moved in with step dad who does have some needs since his brain haemorrhage last year. I think I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself, I've just kicked a UTI after two weeks of antibiotics and now this, which is making my whole body ache, and wishing that I wasn't on my own again.

OP posts:
Gapants · 18/05/2012 21:57

rabbit have you told your mum? Have you said, you know mum when I am calling you up and asking for additional help, it is because I really really need it?

I know you are sorting out your care package, and it must be difficult to feel like you are a "burden" to anyone, but I still think some community casual friend support would be of immense help to you now and again.

I am sick, my Dh is sick, my DD is not sleeping through, my DS is getting the shitty end of it. My friend dropped round a stew. Another friend is taking DS out for a couple of hours. That sort of casual favour stuff is like gold I think.

Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 21:58

And don't worry, now I can swallow again I am back up to maximum doses of diclofenac and tramadol, pain relief is never something I stint on when I can help it.

I have defrosted cake and have lots of nibbly bits, me and DD will survive on fruit, ice cream, cake, sandwiches and nuts this weekend. Could do with some new DVDs as I already abuse the television as my babysitter for rough days (had a few this year).

OP posts:
Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 22:04

The problem with having long term health problems is that you lose a lot of friends, and the ones that stick around usually do it because they understand what it's like to be stuck here, my best friend has cerebral palsy and my other closest friend has just had a hysterectomy. So support has been a bit thin on the ground in that respect.

Other than that there is just mum, and I guess that must be difficult for her with my stepdad being dependent too. Hopefully I can get something in place quickly when I get direct payments sorted, or miracle of miracles the DLA goes through (even basic mobility and care would have me seventy pounds a week better off). I don't want the only contact I have with the people I love to be them rescuing me, it's hard as it is asking for help, which is why I was so upset this afternoon at my mum making her excuses. It's hard trying to be thoughtful of others needs when you are sick, I know mum will do what she can to help, it's ungrateful to moan about her, and I only do it because I am at my wits end with being stuck like this.

OP posts:
landofsoapandglory · 18/05/2012 22:05

I'm disabled too. I have 2 DSes aged 17 & 15 and DH is in the Forces so is away quite often. The last, and only, time my Mum babysat DS1 was 3 months old. She had him for about 2.5 hours. She goes out of her way to help my sister with her DC, she has taken them on numerous holidays, days out, meals out, etc.

It is shit when you really need the support from your Mum and she doesn't give it. I can't imagine ever treating my DC like that. Infact I like to hope that I would see they were struggling and wouldn't need to be asked!

YANBU and I do hope you feel better soon and your DLA gets sorted quickly.

Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 22:24

She's very quick to spend money and she does help out often. I guess I was just upset that I felt so crap and she said not this weekend. I think that she perhaps has reached a point where she's had enough of it, the amount of times she's done hospital runs in the middle of the night, took me into her house when I am too sick to look after myself, run me around to appointments etc, it must get tiring for it to be so repetitive and never improve.

Feeling bad now for moaning about her, I love her really, she dotes on her grandchildren - would just be nice if she could occasionally take madam here so that I can recover faster and get more rest. Being a mum is so hard when you have points where you can barely look after yourself. Especially when I just want to lie down and feel sorry for myself.

Sorry that you were stuck in such an awful position with your mum soapandglory, did you get plenty of support through SSAFA and such?

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 18/05/2012 22:38

Oh rabbits I am sorry, it's a bit hard when you can't call on your mum. You are in a difficult situation. I've called on my mum and friends a lot for the past year as we've had family health problems too. Where are you in the country? I know it's so unlikely you are anywhere near me, but if you were I'd give you a hand.

Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 18/05/2012 23:09

I'm not sure I could have someone I don't know very well at home without panicking about the state of it, and about looking after them. Silly isn't it. There are so many lovely people in the world offering to help out complete strangers, I can't tell you how much places like Mumsnet really help me to get through the tough times.

OP posts:
Iteotwawki · 19/05/2012 04:40

You know - random musing while at work - I hope that when my children grow up and have families of their own, I don't act like your mum OP. I hope that if they or their partners call asking for help no matter how often or how unsociable the hours, that I would drop everything and be there for them.

My MiL would have my boys to stay, do school runs / laundry, shop, cook, clean & look after all of us if we were poorly - because she's my husband's mum, the boys grandmother and family.

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking for help at all. Thanks hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 19/05/2012 10:05

Thank you, you are all really kind. I feel a little bit better today, the throat numbing spray is really helping. I am focussing on resting and DDs direct needs. The rest will get sorted when I am well enough to do it... or need clean plates/cups, LOL.

OP posts:
FayeGovan · 19/05/2012 10:26

rabbit, I noticed earlier you wrote you could do with some dvd's for your dd, why don't you start a thread asking if anyone has old ones they could send you? I'm sure there are loads of mums here who would be glad to help you out a bit

I'm going to look and see if I have any old ones, I have boys so they may not be what your dd likes, but will check just in case

FayeGovan · 19/05/2012 10:30

...or just a thought, if you need some new films for her to watch NOW, why don't you look into getting "netflix" free for a month, I think its films she could watch to keep you going just now, then cancel the agreement before the month is out and I don't think you are charged, I see it advertised as a free trial all the time

Noqontrol · 19/05/2012 12:05

Glad you're feeling a bit better today rabbit. Just try and do as little as you can get away with.

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2012 12:28

You have the right to ask for any help that you need.

I would second looking for support groups, even a befriendng service.

On a practical level, this year the definition of a carer is changing, the help given doesn't have to be regular or substantial anymore. So anyone who helps you can put in for an assessment of needs, which often 'taps' into other/extra help for families.

Your SW can help you with this, once everything is in place. There are changes happening that will allow for extra emergancy help, much quicker than ever before, so ask for what you need and don't be put off by anyone.

If your mum realises how much support that you need and isn't giving it, then she is the unreasonable one.

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2012 12:32

How far along are you in getting the care package, and is your DD coming under the umbrella of Children and Family services?

This would solve any transport issues.

The plans put together are constructed by a Children and Families SW, for the children of disabled parent/s.