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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt totally impotent? Should I have said something?

37 replies

bluebellewood · 18/05/2012 12:26

My DM is generally kind but outspoken and quite deaf which can be a catostrophic combination.

We meet every Thursday afternoon in a local coffee shop. Yesterday a young couple with a small boy sat near to us. They were very, very overweight to say the least. DM had to move her chair to accomodate the young woman's bottom and spredding theighs, which she was quite happy to do.

The trouble started when the equally large young man arrived with their order.

They consumed extra large hot chocolates with all the extras(whipped cream etc) and chocolate pastries. They encouraged the small boy to eat similar size portions to their own. Even feeding him from a spoon when he refused any more.

My DM was out raged on behalf of the small boy. She fumed that they were ruining his life as they had ruined their own. I tried to silence her comments but they did over hear her. The young woman turned very red and looked hurt. I hustled DM out of the cafe leaving most of my drink.

DM says it is sometimes necessary to be cruel to be kind. I feel it was none of her business and I am loath to take her back again.

It keeps playing on my mind.

Should I have apologised to them?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 18/05/2012 12:27

I doubt it would make much difference, what was said was said.

GinPalace · 18/05/2012 12:30

I don't think so, the apology would have meant little coming not from the person causing the embarrassment iyswim. Making an apology might only have made the embarrassment more acute. Think you did as much as you could to remove her swiftly.

Very unfortunate they felt awful, but you are not responsible for her or her views.

PandaWatch · 18/05/2012 12:31

Tricky one because I'm not one for getting in other people's business (except on here of course Grin) but I would be upset to have seen that and maybe what your mum said would make the parents think about how they are feeding their ds.

I think the fact you tried to silence your mum and ushered her out is enough really. It's not as if you were making the comments yourself so you shouldn't have to apologise on behalf of your mum.

Frontpaw · 18/05/2012 12:33

It wasn't your place to aplolgise. You tried to diffuse the situation. Not nice, but some people just say exactly what is on their mind. Lucky she didnt go over to the table and tell them off.

toofattorun · 18/05/2012 12:33

I agree with your mother. I would never encourage my child to over eat and would be devastated if they were overweight. I say this as a size 18-20 mum.

Your mum said what she she said to you, not them. Yes, It's judgmental of her but maybe those people needed to hear something shocking to realise they are wrong in trying to shovel huge portions of food down their child's throat.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:35

No need for you to apologise. Your mother should have kept her opinions to herself though. If mine did this, I would say something to her, it's very rude and completely unnecessary.

ajandjjmum · 18/05/2012 12:35

I too would have been concerned had it been my Mum - but it might make them think?

toofattorun · 18/05/2012 12:35

Ps, you didn't need to apologise on her behalf.

hiveofbees · 18/05/2012 12:35

You apologising would probably have made things worse.

It sounds like you mum had a point though.

RetroMom · 18/05/2012 12:36

How rude. I'd be embarrassed too. I think you need to have a word with your DM about her behaviour when out in public. It's none of her business. Who is she to ruin someone day out like that? She says sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind? She could have just been kind and shut her mouth. You need to tell her that.

thebody · 18/05/2012 12:37

Well rude or not your mom is right. What if the parents had been slapping the child? Guess more people than her would have been getting involved and making your child obese is just as cruel.

Maybe your moms comments will make the mom think about her actions.

Frontpaw · 18/05/2012 12:37

But there are some people (generally the ones who are in the wrong) out there who would have no problems in getting all nasty and agressive in such a situation. That's what I would worry about.

I am such a chicken! bwuuuk bwwuuuuuuuuuk

pictish · 18/05/2012 12:37

Yanbu. Your mum was wrong to say those things in earshot - it's none of her business.

I am overweight and sometimes take my kids to a cafe for a treat. If I was treated to such a critique of my parenting from some random on the next table...well, your mother would wish she had not bothered.

addicted2shopping · 18/05/2012 12:39

I feel sorry for the woman who turned red and looked hurt! Poor woman :( We all think things and have our opinions about people but i wouldnt have been so harsh. I can just imagine her sad red face :(

GoPoldark · 18/05/2012 12:41

You intimated your apology by ushering her out, thus making the point that you, her companion, thought she had spoken inappropriately.

Perhaps that in itself was a better procedure than apologising, as maybe yes it would make them think about the food habits they are instilling in their DC.

The woman may never have actually realised that she was encouraging her child to overeat, she may never have seen it that way. Not a good thing for your mum to say, but it may have had its use!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:41

To those that say, 'It might make them think'. Would you have taken on board the muttered comments of a rude person? Would that change your views on life, make you consider that they know better - or just generally have the right to impose their views and thoughts on your life?

Whatever your weight, parental views or lifestyle - I don't believe anybody who says that they would change as a result of a stranger's rudeness. I believe wholeheartedly though someone who says that their day/treat has been spoilt and the feeling of that carried with them for a long time.

hiveofbees · 18/05/2012 12:45

"Whatever your weight, parental views or lifestyle - I don't believe anybody who says that they would change as a result of a stranger's rudeness"

Really? You have never heard anything or interpreted a look or reaction from anyone to make you consider your actions?

Thats not to say that you have to change if you detect disapproval from someone else, but if you do, its worth having a think about whether there could be a grain of truth in it, IMO.

thebody · 18/05/2012 12:45

I am not sure lying which, I personally lost 2 stone after someone laughed that I HAD been called 'the body' by friends and look at u now??

It was horrible but it did give me a kick up the arse.

GnomeDePlume · 18/05/2012 12:48

In that situation I would probably have probably gone back in and apologised probably intimating that my DM was not the full shilling.

People who say the first thing that comes into their heads without thinking about the other person are not kind, they are graceless and charmless. I would be telling my DM that I would not be taking her out again if she couldnt keep her views to herself.

addicted2shopping · 18/05/2012 12:50

My OH grabs my spare tyre and says we should diet together. I genuinly reply 'Im not giving up chocolate mousse for nothing!'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:56

hiveofbees, I suppose that if I had an inkling of something myself, I would already be considering whether to do something about it or not. A rude stranger would not tip my decision but would probably make me feel like crap.

I recall a thread here recently about a mum having to feed her child MacDonalds because it wouldn't/couldn't eat anything else. I expect a rude person would have much to say on the subject but what do they know about another person's circumstances?

The value of these 'helpful' people is zero, in my opinion.

pictish · 18/05/2012 13:00

Fat people are not fair game btw.
I know everyone hates fat people these days, and often feel they are entitled to say rude and hurtful things to them because they are not worthy of respect or consideration, so offensive are their dimpled arses to the rest of society.....but very occasionally, you will come across a fatty like me, that isn't remotely interested in being a rude old lady's verbal punchbag, and will not respond with a red face and a sad look, but a mouthful of my own. And when that happens, she will know all about it and deserve everything she gets in return.

I'm not hugely overweight, but enough so that one or two people have made nasty comments to me like your mother did.

It has never "made me think" but it has made me be extemely rude staright back.

If you can't take it...don't dish it out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 13:02

Agree with that completely, pictish. People should mind their own damn business.

RetroMom · 18/05/2012 13:04

Thebody, nobody was smacking any child. The OP's DM was rude, interfering and nasty. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It is not Joe Public's duty to deride the over weight folk. It's not helpful and it's not nice.

bobbledunk · 18/05/2012 13:48

They were force feeding him with a spoon when he got so stuffed that he didn't want any more? I understand your mothers rage, her comments may have ruined their day but their behaviour, will ruin this childs life if it is continued. Overfeeding and forcefeeding children into obesity is as much child abuse as hitting/punching.

They have obviously have gotten into the habit of gorging until they can take no more and have been thoughtlessly passing that on. Maybe her comments will make them think.