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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL I know she smokes?

34 replies

NoMoreWasabi · 18/05/2012 10:38

DH comes from a family with a slightly odd dynamic in that whenever a topic is difficult it is never discussed. Sometimes you can hardly move in PILs house for all the elephants in the room. Anyway one of these is that MIL smokes. Not a lot, maybe 3 or 4 a day. But she does it in secret and no one ever mentions it.

They are coming to stay tonight to visit us and our child who they adore. When they come down MIL comes up with weak excuses to leave the house to smoke or smokes out of the bathroom window. I don't know if she thinks we can't smell it but in my experience smokers often underestimate the smell

Anyway, the key thing that bothers me is smoking in the bathroom. Fortunately we have a spare one so the baby isn't in there regularly but the smell still escapes. I would like to tell her that I know she smokes, hand her an ashtray and ask her to smoke on the patio. DH squirms at this suggestion and wants to ignore it. So would my approach be reasonable or should I leave it?

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 18/05/2012 10:40

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Just say (when it's just you and her) "If you're going to smoke please do it outside".

Nothing more needs to be said.

dubbada · 18/05/2012 10:41

Just put an ashtray on the patio for her and when she arrives invite her to look at the garden see a bush etc so that she sees you have made a clear option for her

ShatnersBassoon · 18/05/2012 10:41

That's very strange. Tell here there's an ashtray on the patio for when she wants a smoke. Surely she'd prefer that to hanging out of the bathroom window. Your DH is being a bit silly about your perfectly reasonable suggestion.

Dropdeadfred · 18/05/2012 10:42

Exactly - just take her to one side and say 'no smOking in the house please, I've left an ash tray outside on the patio for you'

Petsinmypudenda · 18/05/2012 10:42

I would just just be matter of fact about it ''smoke in the garden not my please because of the baby'
There's no point dancing around it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 10:43

Agree with DawnOfTheDee, be direct - and pleasant - and nothing more needs saying.

Sirzy · 18/05/2012 10:43

I would tell her that you would appreciate it if she didn't smoke in or near the house for the sake of the children. Like pp said put an ashtray in a suitable place in the garden

Original poster
NoMoreWasabi · 18/05/2012 10:56

If I raise it she will probably run off and cry. This is her standard response to discussing anything she doesn't want to here. Then somehow I will be the one in the wrong hot upsetting her. DH wants a quiet life on it do won't really back me uP although in private agrees it is a silly situation.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 18/05/2012 10:58

Do it anyway. As pleasantly as possible. If she wants to act like a toddler that's up to her. You are not responsible for her reaction. You are responsible for your DC and your house which is why you still need to tell her.

Sirzy · 18/05/2012 10:59

If she is immature enough to cry because you don't want smoking in your house then let her.

ginmakesitallok · 18/05/2012 10:59

She'd run off and cry because she knows you know she smokes??? You don't need backing up on this from anyone - just tell her there's an ashtray outside

Petsinmypudenda · 18/05/2012 11:00

I would still do it even if it did make her cry. And I would expect my dh to back me up - I hate the saying but he really needs to man up and tell her.

No one smokes in my house, not even me when I smoked. It smells nasty and clings to everything

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 18/05/2012 11:07

Exactly what others have said. Tell her you don't want anyone smoking in your house but she's welcome to go outside where there is an ashtray. If she wants to behave like a bratty child by crying because of your perfectly reasonable request then she's a moron. Your house rule still stands.

And yes, a lot of smokers underestimate how much the smell hangs about for. My DP smokes outside but I always know within a milisecond if he's smoked out the kitchen door instead of going right outside with the door closed behind him. He can't believe I know when he does this is, I can't believe he still thinks he'll get away with it Hmm

teaaddict2012 · 18/05/2012 11:10

This is very odd , why does she feel she has to hide she smokes?

I'd expect an A list drug habit to be a sensitive subject not smoking.

anyway yes youre totally reasonable no smoking in a house with a baby!!!

HipHopOpotomus · 18/05/2012 11:13

The "I know you smoke" aspect is unnecessary. As she is so sensitive about it she may well find that accusatory.

Just do as the others have suggested and simply say "I've left you an ashtray on the patio". Nothing else required unless she then smokes inside and then you will need to be a little more direct with "please respect this is a non smoking house".

I would be careful not to phrase it like it is a big deal, or like you are giving her permission.

HipHopOpotomus · 18/05/2012 11:14

teaaddict I think it is very common. Odd, but common. I know several people like this - I find it quite strange (why pretend to be something you are not?) but it's really not my concern.

ripsishere · 18/05/2012 11:15

Shock at crying. I think the approach of 'I've got you an ashtray so you can smoke on the patio rather that in the house' is the right one.

olgaga · 18/05/2012 11:17

Smokers just do not realise how much of the smoke and chemicals blows back into the house, even if they are hanging out of a window or an open door.

They also don't realise that everyone in the room can smell it as soon as they walk back in. The smell is on their skin, hair, clothes and particularly their hands.

You are perfectly entitled to ask people not to smoke anywhere in your house. It's not a judgement on their habit. No-one should expect to smoke in someone else's house these days, especially with a baby in the house. If your request makes her cry, I'm sure everyone will be able to ignore it if they manage to ignore everything else!

I'd be more worried about your DH's attitude. I can't imagine why this would make a grown man "squirm". Sounds like it's about time he grew a backbone, rather than relying on yours.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 18/05/2012 11:20

Just be nice and don't go on about the smell or how you're protecting your dc and all that - keep it light fgs! I would say 'MIL, honestly, you don't need to go and have a crafty fag you know - there's an ashtray outside, see you in five'. If she gets upset about that, there's not much else you can do, but I wouldn't start from any ethical or health perspective.

HecateTrivia · 18/05/2012 11:21

Let her cry. Such kind of crying is manipulation and nothing more.

Making people afraid of challenging her over anything, or disagreeing, because then they'll have 'made' her cry.

Just tell her to please not smoke in the house.

If you smell the smoke in the bathroom, knock on the door and say "please don't smoke in there, the smell is coming through the whole house"

If she cries - let her cry. What she wants is people to run after her and console her and promise to never do anything again and let the world run her way.

Well, screw that. You aren't actually doing anything wrong by asking someone to not smoke in your home and if she wants to try to manipulate you with tears, that's her problem.

(my grandmother always used to take to her bed with a 'headache' if anyone disagreed with her or said anything she didn't like, or failed to dance to her tune. She'd have a queue of people knocking on the door, begging forgiveness. She could then kindly forgive them Hmm)

GoPoldark · 18/05/2012 11:21

As everyone else has said. You could make it neutral 'By the way, there is an ashtray on the patio for anyone who wishes to smoke, this is a non-smoking household.'

Can you lock the bathroom window and hide the key? That would also solve the problem! :)

OTheHugeManatee · 18/05/2012 11:21

She'd run off and cry if you bring up a perfectly reasonable request?

She sounds radio rental Shock

Running off and crying at the slightest upset sounds to me like the way your MIL controls people around her - no-one can move or breathe or put a foot wrong or say anything direct to her, she's oh so fragile and mustn't be upset. No doubt your DH grew up with this and it sounds like he's accepted it without question.

If it runs that deep you might have a bit of a bumpy ride challenging it; but YADNBU at all to want people not to smoke out of the bathroom window, and YANBU either not to want to participate in this strange pandering to your MIL's 'I'm so fragile' game.

Original poster
NoMoreWasabi · 18/05/2012 12:55

Right. Am going to have to say something.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 18/05/2012 12:59

I agree with the advice that you point her to the patio and ashtray, explaining what is and isn't acceptable in your home and letting her run off and cry like a toddler if she wants to be so stupid but that's by the by. Why, why on earth is this adult woman, mother of an adult son and grandmother too hiding the fact that she smokes at all? Confused I just don't get some people!

banjaxedfilly · 18/05/2012 13:08

I would imagine she's thoroughly embarrassed and slightly ashamed of the fact that she smokes. There's very few smokers left that don't feel the social stigma that goes with it these days.

I would make a point of putting a chair and cushion in her smoking area telling her that you want her to be comfortable having her fag. No judgment but just not in the house.