To tell MIL I know she smokes?

[NoMoreWasabi]

DH comes from a family with a slightly odd dynamic in that whenever a topic is difficult it is never discussed. Sometimes you can hardly move in PILs house for all the elephants in the room. Anyway one of these is that MIL smokes. Not a lot, maybe 3 or 4 a day. But she does it in secret and no one ever mentions it.

They are coming to stay tonight to visit us and our child who they adore. When they come down MIL comes up with weak excuses to leave the house to smoke or smokes out of the bathroom window. I don't know if she thinks we can't smell it but in my experience smokers often underestimate the smell

Anyway, the key thing that bothers me is smoking in the bathroom. Fortunately we have a spare one so the baby isn't in there regularly but the smell still escapes. I would like to tell her that I know she smokes, hand her an ashtray and ask her to smoke on the patio. DH squirms at this suggestion and wants to ignore it. So would my approach be reasonable or should I leave it?

I think she is ashamed of smoking. I'm glad to hear I am NBU as I was concerned that I was allowing other minor irritations to cloud my judgment. I don't want to upset her but I don't want it to continue. I should say that generally MIL is a very caring and decent person and dotes on the baby.

To be fair to DH he was brought up like this so whilst I totally agree he needs to grow a pair, he has been conditioned to it.

I dont understand that like in the 70's/80's soooo many people puffed away like chimneys everywhere I'm surprised more people dont feel the stigma.

anyway, yeah what you said sounds fine.

I see your point re the social stigma and I guess some people would feel like that. It wouldn't occur to me to worry about what the rest of society thought so her actions seemed strange to me. :)

I would imagine she's thoroughly embarrassed and slightly ashamed of the fact that she smokes. There's very few smokers left that don't feel the social stigma that goes with it these days.

That's certainly the case. I think smokers out of their comfort zone feel they have to be furtive about it - they do feel everyone's disapproval. It's a horrible addiction, especially if you've been smoking for a long time.

I am so pleased I gave up - there is definitely a kind of Shameless stigma to it now.

Which is no bad thing!

My FIL was a very similar secret smoker, having "given up" several years previously. When he came to stay he'd go out for a walk every couple of hours and come back smelling of cigarettes. And if it was raining the downstairs loo would smell suspiciously too.

We actually chose to maintain the fiction, because when he'd smoked openly before he used to get through 30 a day, and this sneaky business was restricting him to five or six. MIL played along at home for the same reason. He stank but really thought he was fooling everyone. A lovely man in every other respect though and would have been mortified if we'd taken him to task about it.

With a baby in the house, I'd be less inclined to turn a blind eye however. Presumably your MIL is addicted and a bit embarrassed, so I'd be as nice as possible when tackling the issue.

Perhaps wait until after this visit then at another time when you are alone with her tell her to 'smoke on the patio, that's where your smoking friends smoke, as long as it's outside you don't care who smokes'.

It looks as if it is a sore point within the family so by being seen to comment you could thought to be taking sides.

You could maintain the fiction before the arrival of your DC, but not now. She really should not smoke anywhere in your house, and frankly how big a deal is it for her to take a stroll around the garden and have a sneaky fag there instead? If she did that, you could all continue pretending, but if she thinks it's ok to smoke in the bathroom (yuk actually, I wouldn't fancy using it afterwards) or if she wants to pick up the DC immediately after smoking, then you or DH need to step up and have a word. It doesn't need to be confrontational, but she has to know that she can't do this inside your house or near your child.

I don't smoke but i know a lot of people that do, i wonder why she does it in secret though-rather odd .
I would just say to her" i know you smoke, theres no probs just have a fag out on the patio".
Maybe her dh and other ils have made her feel the need to lie

I think she is very embarassed about it - but she could do far worse than smoke 3 or 4 fags a day.

In a very friendly way, just tell her you've put an ashtray in the garden for her if she fancies a fag. If you can bear it ... offer to keep her company whilst she's out there, with a brew/wine if it's later on?

If you don't make it into a big deal then it won't be one, and you may get a brownie point for being such an understanding daughter in law

But whatever happens - make sure she doesn't smoke in your bathroom! Tears or not, it's your house, your rules, and you have a baby. So that shouldn't even be an option!

Good luck x