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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU about DH & the gym... but I need to vent!

58 replies

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 09:34

Whenever DH wants to go out for a run or to the gym I get really annoyed.

His timing is usually really inconvenient e.g he sees me starting to get dinner out to prepare and says "have I got time for a run before dinner's ready?" (not "can I help you get dinner ready/lay the table/help with DCs homework? etc) I know he has to take the free time when he gets it, but I still feel really narked by it.

I know I should be glad that he's getting himself fit, but I'm just jealous and resentful that its all he seems to think about. I started running before him, but got an injury which left me unable to go for a few weeks, so then he started and is getting totally into it, logging his runs, wittering on about energy shakes and gels etc.

I just find myself feeling unreasonably angry whenever he wants to go and feeling really pissed off that he's losing weight and basically 'stole' my hobby! I know its stupid and I should just get back to it, but he's so far ahead of me that if we run together he uses my run as a warm-up then goes out afterwards for 'a proper run', so I think why bother?

Yesterday he mentioned that if we went away to Rome (never gonna happen) for a long weekend, he'd probably get lost running round the city. Even during his fantasy 'romantic' weekend he's off on his own bloody running

OP posts:

higgle · 18/05/2012 11:13

My DH always does this - takes up my hobbies and gets obsessive about them. Years ago it was riding - he always had to be faster and his flighty mount used to wind my pony up resulting in bucking and bad behaviour. Now he is much better than me at Yoga, a far more regular gym attender and keeps telling me he is going to overcome his worn out ankles and start running again ( because I did). It is a sad fact of life for me that I generally end up covered in mud, out of breath and trailing in his wake - except for the yoga as he has no sense of balance and keeps falling over.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 18/05/2012 11:14

My DH goes to the gym just as it's time to get the DC ready for bed etc...I don't mind to a degree but not more than twice a week...he should time things better. But YABU not to go for the "warm up" run...you are shooting yourself in the foot there.

kim147 · 18/05/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewhowines · 18/05/2012 11:23

I am a SAHM but YABU to think that you can do your things to your own timetable during the day (you don't work all day with no free time eg mumsnet) but expect him to come home and then continue working on chores to your timetable.

I sound like a 50's housewife but I see my role as seeing to the house and kids. I have plenty of free time during the day to do my thing and then I go on duty after school. When my DH arrives home at 7pm, he can switch off. We both work hard.

You are lucky he gets home earlier but he shouldn't necessarily help to your timetable. Yes he should help, but sit down ad agree when and what he should do so that he knows in advance what is "his time".

YANBU to feel upset he has stolen your hobby

queenpin · 18/05/2012 11:26

We have set times too, it keeps us motivated really as we know if we miss our slot we won't be able to make it up.

DH has Mon, Weds and one weekend day for gym. I have Tues, Thurs and one or two weekend days.

queenpin · 18/05/2012 11:29

Ah, sorry, just seen you could go in the day. I think it's fair enough if he goes when he does then tbh.

Can you ask him to let you know in advance if he's going to be running at teatime? On the days DH goes to the gym I tend to make something like a shepherds pie or pasta bake in the morning which can just be dished up at teatime, coudl you do that?

CeliaFate · 18/05/2012 11:31

Ime, dh doesn't like having to be timetabled in advance. Because his job involves strict planning, routine and appointments, he likes to be more spontaneous when he comes home.

I still think you need to discuss how this makes you feel though. He's probably totally oblivious and just thinking he's getting fit and healthy.

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 11:38

Yes I do enjoy swimming Heath. One of the reasons I encouraged H to join the gym was the family swim, which was free for me & DCs if he was a member, but the gym has since taken me aside and told me that I shouldn't go in on my own during the week as 'family swim' was meant to be for DH and his DCs not 'any old random member of the family' - I'm his wife FFS!

So now swimming is another bone of contention - totally not his fault, but another excuse reason for me to bail. Just need to motivate myself as everyone says, spend my free time on me so I don't resent him doing the same.

Kim I have tried telling him how I feel about it all, but he's not very emotionally available so just shuts down as soon as I try. I told him last week that him asking if he had time to go for a run before dinner was spectacularly unhelpful and that what he should be asking is "do you need any help with the dinner".

Then he did exactly the same thing on Wednesday! I wouldn't mind as much but he'd been home all day on both those days as he's just had a week booked off work. But he still left it until then as he'd spent his days off shopping for smaller clothes as he's lost "so much weight" and getting other jobs done during the day.

OP posts:

CeliaFate · 18/05/2012 11:43

I think you need to show him how selfish he's being. Cook and serve the meal at whatever time suits you and the dc. If he's running, tough. He'll have to reheat it when he wants to eat.
Not ideal, and not a long term solution, but if he's emotionally unavailable, he'll need to experience it before he can empathise and change.

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 11:46

Hmm I think he might need a personality transplant before he can empathise and change Celia, but thanks for your helpful comments.

I will take on board what you've all advised. I know I sound like I'm whining about nothing, which is why I said IABU - I suppose knowing that talking to him about it would be as productive as talking to a wall, I chose to talk to you all instead! Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 11:48

higgle I have a lovely image of you now, trailing behind DH covered in mud@ Glad your yoga is a safe haven. Perhaps I should try that too?

OP posts:

maybenow · 18/05/2012 11:54

you BOTH need exercise and 'alone headspace' time - imo if your DH won't run on the way home from work then he needs to wait till the kids are in bed.

when are you going to get time? if your dh is so into 'training plans' and stuff then work out one with both of you on it.. stick it on the fridge.. you can use your training time to cycle or swim or gym or yoga or whatever if running still isn't an option...

in my experience, with a busy life and two adults in the house training (i run, dh cyles) you need to plan your training out over the week - three sessions each is not in any way unreasonable.

Buckingfiatch · 18/05/2012 11:57

I think he is being a bit selfish. My partner goes for a run most nights but does so after 7pm once our child is in bed. He needs to compromise. Even if not to help you with the cooking or anything to do with the chores, but to look after his kids whilst you get on with it. Work or not, he is still a Dad and it doesn't give him the excuse to have his "relaxation time" whenever he wishes.

But you do also need to put some time aside during the weekdays for yourself. There is no use complaining when you have the opportunity but don't grab it with two hands.

PerplexedPetunia · 18/05/2012 12:01

Here you go.

If you take the site seriously I will lose all faith in humanity.

GoPoldark · 18/05/2012 12:02

Right, next time:

Him: "have I got time for a run before dinner's ready?"
You: ''Oh, are you free? Great. Can you take over dinner while I go for a power walk? Thanks. As you know you're so far ahead of me now as you had so much more time allotted to you while I was injured, I have a lot of catching up to do and a lot more IOUs in the kitty! See you in 20 minutes.'

And repeat, very, very often.

And make the point that he had time for a run yesterday, but not to read to his son. And say 'It's nice to have a fit husband, but it's not nice to have a fit twat for a husband.'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:07

Can't you adjust the membership, OP, so that you get to go swimming in your own right?

I think it's fine that your DH goes running BUT he cannot then say that he doesn't have time for his children or you, otherwise what is the point of having a partner/family at all?

He needs to manage his time better - and perhaps you do too - decide what you want to do and how that activity is going to fit - and communicate with your husband so that it DOES fit and he picks up what needs doing whilst you're doing that activity.

Hope your injury improves soon. Take no notice of the competitiveness; I think many men are tuned that way, too much testosterone - do your own thing at your own pace and enjoy it, that's the main thing, not to be graded/marked on your ability.

Nevermind about the weight loss not being noticeable - perhaps you just looked great before and do now too so no difference to notice!

CeliaFate · 18/05/2012 12:11

Or,
Right, next time:

Him: "have I got time for a run before dinner's ready?"
You : No.

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 12:11

GoPoldark an LWITW great comments, both. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 12:18

And Celia too. Common sense prevails. petunia the most worrying thing is that I wouldn't be at all surprised if he were - that's probably worse than the gym thing isn't it?!? Think we're safe with the Glee part though - I could almost feel his pain last night as I was watching it ;-)

Now must do hoovering and stop proving to you all that I have too much plenty of spare time to myself.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 18/05/2012 12:18

I know how you feel epilator. I'm currently an injured runner myself too. Also, my DH spends 3 or 4 nights a week at the gym, plus about 4 hours on Saturday and 4 hours on Sunday. So 3 or 4 nights a week he is not home until 9pm due to calling at the gym on the way. Also, a thursday night is taken up with karate, where he gets home at 10pm!

My physio has told me that I need to get back to running using the little, but often method... This could work for you... when your DH says is it ok to go running say 'no, I need to go myself, but only for 15 mins'. Then tell him to crack on with the dinner as you 'wont be long'.

I think he has forgotten you are there TBH. He needs reminding every day.

bigjoeent · 18/05/2012 12:20

Would cycling be any easier on your legs?

Sympathise on the going running at 4 pm time, the time between coming home from school and getting the kids to bed can be difficult and a bit stressful (I have really youngs ones so its a nightmare at times), we don't run at those times. I think he is unreasonable to go at that time, I go out at 7.30 once the youngest two are down and OH gets the eldest to sleep. OH goes out after I'm back and eldest is asleep, means a very late meal though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:20

Time, space and relationships are a 'vaccuum', Epilator, I think women (generally) take up less space and do more and the vaccuum they leave is taken up by others. Take it up for yourself and don't budge.

... and hand him the vaccuum and tell him to run around with that whilst you're doing the dinner. It will help his fitness no end.

Original poster

TheEpilator · 18/05/2012 12:35

thenightsky "I think he has forgotten you are there TBH. He needs reminding every day."

Too true - it sounds like that applies to you too

LWITW I agree. I heard that we are like a jug and the family are all glasses - we can only keep filling them up if we also take time to replenish ourselves.

OP posts:

Step · 18/05/2012 12:40

OK can help with some of this

Partners running at different speeds.. when running together do intervals. Hills out and back sprints etc. On longer runs get him to add little loops here and there.

Do try and run together -it's part of what gives us time on our own without kids and it means so much to both of us.

Berlin do great running tours... :-)

MAybe looking atthis purely from a runner's perspective though.....

naturalbaby · 18/05/2012 12:50

the jug and glasses thing is good - I've been reading playful parenting about how you'r dc's cup needs to be kept full or topped up so they can cope with things appropriately.

I've recently started running more and more and a couple of other things but only go out when all the dc's are in/ready for bed or when they're all dressed and sorted on saturday/sunday morning, or when I have a babysitter so I can go and be back in time to do the dinner. The evenings are light enough to go after their bedtime aren't they?

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