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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to visit MIL -6hr drive

51 replies

carabos · 17/05/2012 15:54

My MIL moved a couple of years ago from round the corner to 250 miles away.

She had good reasons, to be fair and we were as supportive as we could be (given that we weren't involved in the decision making process).

I have seen her once since the move, DH has seen her three times. We are meant to be going to visit her this weekend but I don't want to go.

My reasons:
I have a bad back and 6 hours in the car will cause me problems that will take ages to put right.
She's going a bit dotty and the conversation will be on a loop all weekend and will be about people we don't know, events we weren't at and places we haven't been.
She lives in a beautiful part of the country with interesting things to do, two of which are on my bucket list. However, she has said today she doesn't want to do either of them (or indeed anything).

So, should I bite the bullet and tell DH I'm not going?

I'm prepared to be told I am BU .

OP posts:

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 15:57

No-one is EVER being Unreasonable to not want to visit IL's imo

JeelyPiece · 17/05/2012 15:57

All the reasons other than the bad back are unreasonable and selfish IMO. I would be really upset if my DH refused to visit my parents more than once every two years because it was boring, wouldn't you?

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 15:59

Seriously, I think that unless your back is genuinely going to be that bad/ worse than if you didn't go then you should make an effort. I also think you should say that as you are travelling all that way you are going to make the most of it and will be doing your bucket list things while you are there, and if she would like to join you then she would be welcome.

ll31 · 17/05/2012 16:00

think yabu - other than re your back.. but wonder are you exaggerating this because you aren't bothered to visit her. Would you act the same re your own mother?

Clytaemnestra · 17/05/2012 16:01

My MIL lives round the corner and I don't want to go and visit her.
Thus YANBU.

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 16:02

Clytaemnestra, me too but then mine doesn't want to visit me or want me to visit her either.

bibbitybobbitybunny · 17/05/2012 16:02

Yabu ... you have seen her once in a couple of years. I think you need to make a wee bit more of an effort tbh.

GinPalace · 17/05/2012 16:03

Agree with Jeely .

Could you take an extra day and break the journey up more so you can have frequent walks and reduce the impact on your back?

That said, my MIL is also 6 hours away and I too would dread the visit so I totally sympathise. But I would still go as I would see it as a duty rather than a socially pleasant jaunt, which means the boring factor would be less of a show stopper.

Could you arrange to go to the area for a week on holiday, but only spend the same 2 days with her and do your bucket list stuff and have an otherwise nice time? That might help your back too?

mumeeee · 17/05/2012 16:03

YABU I would go and support your DH. Parents are important that mens yours and his.

WhiteWidow · 17/05/2012 16:03

YABU. Make the effort, it's not like you have to do it all the time and it won't kill you. You might have fun!

inthisdayandage · 17/05/2012 16:04

Do you have kids- are they going to be upset about not seeing their grandma? Would DH go alone? I think it is a bit late in day to be calling off visit altogether as your MIL has probably been looking forward to it but I don't see why you need to go if back is an issue as long as someone visits. Think you could be a bit more considerate though.

mumeeee · 17/05/2012 16:04

Means not mens of course:)

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:04

I wouldn't have a problem if my dh didn't want to visit my dm. I dont enjoy visiting his dm and often suggest he goes alone

cuttingpicassostoenails · 17/05/2012 16:06

If she's left the family silver to you in her will you should go. If, on the other hand, all you are getting is the plate covered in shells
("A Present from Bournmouth") I wouldn't bother.

more · 17/05/2012 16:21

don't think yabu, just remember you are then giving him the green card to not go see your family. It's not as if you are stopping him or the kids (?) from going.

Original poster

carabos · 17/05/2012 16:22

inthisdayandage no kids involved, just me and DH.
ithinkitsjustme I have suggested to both DH and DMIL that we do the bucket list things together but she's having none of it and he's not supporting me because a) they don't interest him either and b) he's happy to do nothing.

Guess I'm going to have to suck it up, but to be fair, I don't ask him to travel to see my parents ( they're 100 miles away). I go by myself and he sees them when they come to us.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 17/05/2012 16:25

Then why go??? Or if you do go why not just go and do your bucket list things by yourself?

TheCrackFox · 17/05/2012 16:26

YABU

Sometimes in life you just have to suck it up.

mercibucket · 17/05/2012 16:26

If he doesn't see yours, he can't complain if you stay at home either

Dh hardly ever visits my parents with me and I hardly ever go with him to see my mil. Don't think the dil/sil is the star attraction tbh

CaptainHetty · 17/05/2012 16:28

Leave them to do nothing and go out on your own :o

I do think you could be seen as unreasonable, but as someone else who bloody hates sitting around doing feck all when I could be out doing something relatively interesting, I can sympathise.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/05/2012 16:28

Either go, and insist that you get to do the things you want to do, or don't go. But if you don't go, don't expect your dh to put himself out to go to any of your friends or family's events.

2rebecca · 17/05/2012 16:31

I'd go and do the things you fancy. A weekend with a dotty inlaw and unable to leave the house sounds awful to me. If your husband isn't interested and would rather chat to his mum fine, insisting you are stuck inside all weekend sounds daft.
If my husband travels for hours with me to visit my relatives I'm happy for him to go for a bike ride or visit somewhere.
If your back is bad I just wouldn't go though.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/05/2012 16:42

YANBU about your back.

YABU about her being a bit loopy. She can't help it and it's a sad reason to avoid someone. If she gets worse you might look back on these as the good times or as missed opportunities to spend time with her while she knew it was you who was there.

YANBU about the bucket list. Leave them to it one day and do one of the things on the list. Save one for the next time.

I do understand what you mean about you visiting your DH's family when he doesn't visit yours. Visits to my PILs were always spent with all of us together yet visits to my parents often saw DH going off to do his own thing, or even going off with my Dad and leaving me and my Mum to it. WW3 would have broken loose if I'd tried the same thing at PILs house and gone off on my own but I did manage it sometimes. MIL once even tried to gatecrash my book club, which would have been okay (ish) if she had read the book but she hadn't. And it was my one moment of 'just me' time in over a week of them visiting. If you go, make sure your DH knows in advance you are planning to do one of your bucket list things when you get there.

GinPalace · 17/05/2012 17:00

That would be an idea - could she come to you in view of your bad back making travel an issue?

Original poster

carabos · 17/05/2012 17:07

ginpalace DH initially suggested that she come to us as she quite likes travelling first class on the train. She didn't want to do that though - our house has lots of stairs. It's a shame because if she came to us, she could see two of her DSs and four of her DGCs in one hit.

I'm not sure how I've got roped into it tbh .

OP posts:

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