AIBU to not want to visit MIL -6hr drive

[carabos]

My MIL moved a couple of years ago from round the corner to 250 miles away.

She had good reasons, to be fair and we were as supportive as we could be (given that we weren't involved in the decision making process).

I have seen her once since the move, DH has seen her three times. We are meant to be going to visit her this weekend but I don't want to go.

My reasons:
I have a bad back and 6 hours in the car will cause me problems that will take ages to put right.
She's going a bit dotty and the conversation will be on a loop all weekend and will be about people we don't know, events we weren't at and places we haven't been.
She lives in a beautiful part of the country with interesting things to do, two of which are on my bucket list. However, she has said today she doesn't want to do either of them (or indeed anything).

So, should I bite the bullet and tell DH I'm not going?

I'm prepared to be told I am BU .

oh dear. :(

Think how virtuous you will feel. Maybe Dh will even give you a special shoulder rub.

Can you get some strong pain killers for the event? I know from experience keeping the pain away helps reduce the extent of the problem, as the pain causes tension in itself, which in turn makes it worse.... :)

If you don't have children and your dh doesn't mind I think you would nbu to stay at home and let him go on his own. It will be him she wants to see I'm sure and that way they can have a nice weekend together and you can have a nice weekend on your own at home. I often see my parents without dh - dh gets on perfectly well with them, but I can perfectly understand that my joy of pottering about my childhood home with them and the dcs is not always the most thrilling for him.

Could you go on the train first class ? Then you could wander round on the journey and save your back?

ginpalace sadly the train is unaffordable - if we were to book today to travel tomorrow the return is the thick end of £400!

I'm going to suck it up but insist that we do a lot of walking as that is what I am supposed to be doing for my back - piriformis spasm and subluxating s.i joint.

So you haven't bothered visiting in a few years? Why start now? She's probably even older and more boring than ever.

I wouldnt visit my MIl and she is 7 miles away, this is because I think she is a nast horrid person and she thinks I am!

If all that was wrong with mine was a bit of dottyness and conversations going round, I would be thanking sweet heaven and going, knowing will prob not see her for a long time.

As for journey can you break it up and stay over night half way or just make lots of stops and make a trip out of the journey itself.

I would then go and pop to the bukcet things while Dh had some " quality" time with his MUM>

If you end up going, I would insist you do at least one of the things you want to do (i'd do both). It'll make the crippling back pain worth it.

Perhaps, as long as you could get rests en route for your back, your DH could visit with his mum and let you head out to do one of the 2 bucket list things yourself at some point after you've arrived and been nice for a while (afternoon, morning next day?). Letting him have some special time with his mum (and you can stretch, have a nice long coffee etc). Then you come back and continue the visit too with DH, and get to catch up (only need to hear the stories half the times) and both head home together (again with plenty of walking around stops) happy at the end?

Or am I being too "Pollyanna" in my thinking?

I find it odd that so many of you think it's acceptable to not bother visiting in a few years. Occasionally, it's quite good to put your own feelings to one side and make an effort. This is your husband's mother and she won't be there forever. In a few years you'll be relieved of the burden of making excuses not to listen to her stories ever again.

Well OP I hope you never go old and dotty and repetitive or nobody will visit you!

I think you should make more of an effort out of respect for her. After all, she raised your DH and he is your husband so give something back and sacrifice your weekend.

By the way if she only lives 250 miles away, why does it take you six hours? or were you surreptitiously including the return journey to make it look more arduous?

My MIL has dementia and lives 200 miles away. It's not much fin but it's not about fun is it? it's about being nice to the old lady who brought your DH up.

How is 250 miles a 6 hour journey? Are you travelling by pony and trap?!

It's across country, up hill and down dale. 6 hours will include a stop for lunch so that I don't seize permanently into a sitting position.

Yabu. Life is sometimes about putting others' needs before your own.

YABU unless you plan never to make a long journey again because of your back. Break the journey up more than you normally would, if necessary. Either do the stuff on your own or suck it up.

Six hours sounds fair enough OP. OP tackles the M5/M42/M1 every Friday for about the same distance and five hours is about right for him depending on the traffic and with only a brief stop.

Yabu. I have a bad back..I know what it's ike but you or DH haven't seen enough of her...take a heat pad...have frequent stops.

Sorry, but I think it's pretty unreasonable not to make the effort to see your MIL at least once a year, unless she is truly horrid. If you back is really bad at the moment, maybe you could postpone, but fix another date - the train would be a lot cheaper if you booked it in advance.

My MIL is in the North of the Netherlands, it takes a lot more time, hassle and expense to get there than you're talking about. I don't particularly like visiting. But I do it every now and again to be nice and because that's just what DILs do.

No reason why you shouldn't go and visit the local sights while you are there though.

It scares me terribly that when I am old and dotty, my sons' wives will treat me like this.

We go and visit dh's grandma a similar distance away and combine it with a few days away somewhere ie she lives near bristol and we are camping in south wales in the summer

I suffer bad travel sickness and so car journeys are a torture but we feel it's important to go.

Either say you can't go as your back aches or tell MIL you and DH are planning to visit bucket list place and do come if she wants to.

I think it's OK her telling you about her life by the way - even if you don't know the people or the activities etc. Thats just the sort of thing people chat about!

As I understand it the OP isn't actually saying she doesn't want to see her MIL just that she doesn't want to travel 6 hours there and back for a weekend. I think you could not go, but make it clear she is welcome to visit you (assuming this is the case) after all if she used to live round the corner surely there are other friends she might like to see during a visit. As for mums on here hoping never to have a dil like the OP I'd say it can also be quite nice to see tour ds on his own. My mum loves her dil and they get on well, but she still absolutely loves having my brother to herself - something which happens very infrequently. As long as she's not refusing point blank to see the MIL and isn't stopping her dh from doing so I don't think it is so terrible.

YAabitBU.

You really do need to make the effort to see her once a year.
The bad back, I understand.
But the loopy part is a bit sad. I mean, I go see my grandma (v old) and all we do is look through the same photo albums, but it gives her so much happiness. I'd hate to think of someone not wanting to see me when I'm older for being loopy and repetitive.

Personally, I would do a comprimise. You go, but then insist on going to your bucket list thing.