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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this v irresponsible parenting

77 replies

loopyluna · 17/05/2012 08:56

Yesterday, on the way home from school, we found one of DD1's friends on her way home alone. Ok, the girls are 10 so walking home unaccompanied in itself is fine but I was surprised as it is quite a long way to this girl's house on foot and all along a v busy road.
Anyway, it turns out that the girl's parents had not come to get her from school and her plan was to squeeze through a gap in the garden wall!
Her parents are divorced and dad was supposed to have her. He lives a 10 minute drive away. He had told her mum he had a meeting and couldn't collect child. The mum said she was going away and it wasn't her problem! Neither gave a back up plan to the child :-(

We were just by our house so brought her home, called her dad and the end result, she's still here as he was too busy to come. It's a bank holiday where I live today so we have her all day and her dad had just said he'll call us!

She's no trouble but I'm not impressed. If we hadn't bumped into her yesterday, how long would she have been left in the garden of her mum's house? Noone would have even known she was there. If something had happened on the way home, who would habe raised the alarm?

There is an after school service at school but she thought she wasn't allowed to go. Even my 6 yr old knows that if I was late she should go back in and tell the after school people...
AIBU to be a bit grrr about these parents?

OP posts:

Juule · 17/05/2012 09:59

PooPoo it's not certain he thought that his dd staying in the garden was hilarious. It might be that he thought her suggestion she stay in the garden was hilarious .
If op hadn't offered for the child to stay overnight maybe he would have arranged to pick her up or phoned the mum. We don't really know.
Op I would speak to both parents and express your concerns and ask what's going on.
I'd also speak to the child about what to do if she finds herself in a similar situation again.

iscream · 17/05/2012 10:00

Poor kid, I am glad you took her under your wing. Freezing all night in a garden, not funny!

piprabbit · 17/05/2012 10:00

Talk to the school. They need to be aware. If neither of the parents are concerned about their daughter someone need to watch out for her.

prettyfly1 · 17/05/2012 10:01

Tryharder I dont agree with you - its not entirely her fault but if she DID know, and at this point it isnt clear if she did, her daughter does not stop being her daughter on the days her ex has her. She still has a duty of care and damn well should have sorted it.

Juule · 17/05/2012 10:01

"The mother was right- it wasn't her problem. "

It's her child - therefore her responsibility if no one else being responsible.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 17/05/2012 10:03

I don't think it's the mum's fault, but you should tell her OP, she's probably sat wherever she was off to for the day thinking that she'd called her Ex's bluff, and he is looking after the DD as he was supposed to. He's not going to tell her that he just left her and didn't arrange anything else!

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2012 10:03

hang on - there's no reason to think the child would have been in the garden all night - the OP did offer to have her. I'm guessing if the OP had not offered he would have begrudgingly collected and spent time with his dd.
It's one thing abandoning her at the end of the school day, but it's quite another to leave her all night outside - we have no reason to believe he would have done this!

fedupofnamechanging · 17/05/2012 10:05

Tryharder of course it's the mum's problem if the dad fails to do his pick up - this is her child. That doesn't change just because it's the dad's turn to look after her.

I would talk to the school or to SS. Poor little love - what fucking awful parents she has.

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2012 10:08

and I agree if it's your child you make it your problem. The mother is completely in the right to expect her child's father not to be a loser, but if she does know that he is, then she has a responsibility to make sure her child is saf.
(and I'd argue exactly the same the other way round - DH is currently away, if he called home and I was rolling around on the floor drunk or telling him I was about to leave the DC in bed and pop to the supermarket, it would be his problem and his responsibility)

SchoolsNightmare · 17/05/2012 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noqontrol · 17/05/2012 11:20

This is crazy. Neither of the parents made suitable provision for that child. What would have happened if you hadn't seen her? This is ridiculously irresponsible. You need to speak to the school welfare officer without a doubt.

PooPooInMyToes · 17/05/2012 11:25

spb hang on - there's no reason to think the childwould have been in the garden all night - the OP did offer to have her. I'm guessing if the OP had not offered he would have begrudgingly collected and spent time with his dd.

If the op hadn't taken the child home with her or had not seen her at all on her way home, the child would have climbed through the gap in the wall and no one would have known she was there!

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 11:28

I would definitely speak to someone in the school and make it clear to this poor little girl that IF anything like this happens again then she must inform the school that she doesn't know who is picking her up and IF (God forbid) she ever ends up at home with no adult she can ALWAYS come to you and you will make sure that she is safe. I know that it is not your responsibilty but she needs to know that there will be someone she can go to. I would also speak to the parents and explain that this is not acceptable and they need to sort out some sort of compromise and have a back up system in place for emergencies. Oh, and well done on picking up the pieces this time! Lots of people would have walked on by.

frenchfancy · 17/05/2012 11:31

As you are in France this doesn't surprise me. There is a surprising lack of attention to children's welfare here; children are left home alone from a very young age whilst parents work; a 7 year old on their own all day barely raises an eyebrow, I have a friend who leaves her baby in the cot with a bottle while she drives her son to school.

I'm not saying it is right, but if you make a fuss you will be seen as an interfiring foreigner. I would let the school know and maybe involve the maire so they are aware of potential child abandonment.

Greatdomestic · 17/05/2012 11:46

Frenchfancy, yes there does seem to be a different attitude in France.

Back in the day when my friend was an au pair, she would rock in at 10am after a night out only to find the family had gone to church and left the baby in her cot. Or asked her to join them for a family meal out, whilst the youngest 2 were asleep in bed. and no one other than her seemed to think this wasn't ok.

Pedigree · 17/05/2012 11:48

Tell the mum. She might have been calling his bluff, but if the guy is happy to dump the responsibility on her not checking that she is actually around to pick up the pieces, mum needs to know in order to set appropriate ways for the DD to seek help from other people.

It is true that both parents are responsible for the DD but if the dad cannot be trusted to provide acceptable care for the DD during his contact time, perhaps that contact agreement needs to be revised.

OrmIrian · 17/05/2012 11:53

Tell her mother. Don't care who's to blame. It's irrelevant. But it shouldn't happen again. Mum needs to know exactly how irresponsible he was and that she can't (unfortunately for her) rely on him.

Softlysoftly · 17/05/2012 12:16

Even if he had eventually got her he said he couldn't come until past ten, that means from school to 10pm at the very earliest sat in a garden waiting.

Bollock the dad and tell the mother and the school.

And more shame on the mother as well, sorry but I understand facing down an irresponsible ex but at the detriment of your child, no. Had she really been calling his bluff then I would have expected her to call an hour later and checked it worked! Not just beggered off and hoped.

StealthPolarBear · 17/05/2012 12:19

Poo poo but do we have any reason to think the dad wasn't planning to leave work and would then wonder where she was?
I'm a bit puzzled about why she went to her mums - did she not know her dad was meant to be looking after her that night?

ragged · 17/05/2012 12:23

Meh, my mother once forgot to pick me up when I was 7. So I just walked home (an adult to let me in when I got there, admittedly). No biggie.

My mother didn't even realise her mistake until she got home from work that evening. I started walking every day both ways after that.

knittynoodle · 17/05/2012 12:28

OMG! This is disgusting! He couldn't come till after 10, so presumably she would have been waiting that long. It sort of sounds like he had no intention of picking her up on time and the mother just didn't care. Does she have grandparents she could have called or friends?!

The poor poor little girl. What awful parents she has.

boomting · 17/05/2012 12:40

Wow, yes, this isn't acceptable, and I think the school does need to be made aware - at least then they'll know that if she isn't picked up, they need to make further enquiries about where she's going to.

Might be worth speaking to the young girl about ringing you / coming to your house if she ever finds herself in a similar situation? Not ideal of course, in that you don't want the parents to think of you as some kind of fallback third parent, but at least it would keep her out of danger.

Juule · 17/05/2012 12:44

Op did the girl seem upset? If not, do you think she's used to this happening? What did she think would happen once she got home?

CrispyCod · 17/05/2012 12:52

That's disgusting, very irresponsible parenting imo. Plus, how well do they know you OP? They're happy to dump their kid on someone they hardly know?

Original poster

loopyluna · 17/05/2012 16:21

Juule: upset, yes the little girl had tears in her eyes when she explained to me :-(
Crispy: we do know them reasonably well. She's never slept over before though. "Funny" thing is that her and DD had a bit of a fall out recently. 10 yr old girl stuff, nothing serious but this girl's mum has stopped saying hello to us since! The girls got on really well yesterday!

And yes, the French attitude is very "laisser faire" and the whole thing is maybe more shocking to me as the strange English woman of the village than it would to the average French person. I am going to mention it to my neighbour as her granddaughter was with us walking home and was also concerned about the "abandonned friend". Just to get an idea of her reaction. I'll speak to the after school club people about it too as I know they care about the childrens' welfare and they will also know what further action should be taken.
I will text her mum too as DD said there is no way her friend will tell her.

A couple of posters have wondered why she was going to her mum's when she knew it was her dad's day but he lives a good 10 minute drive away and wasn't at home anyway. Thank god she didn't decide to hitch! DD told me that she was hoping her mum wouldn't have gone as she knew her dad had asked her to switch days and she doesn't like going to his anyway. Her mum had gone though so like many posters had said, she would have been locked out with no phone til someone went looking for her!

OP posts:

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