Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that FIL is wrong?

30 replies

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:00

I know, it's a PIL one...you're probably sick of people bitching about their in-laws by now.

I don't post on here too often, but I have before regarding my FIL. I'm unsure if my reaction is down to the fact I don't like him and he's just scared, or if he's actually being out of order.

He has heart problems, and has had a bypass in the past. He was recently told he needed a transplant, but he couldn't make his mind up whether to go through with it or not. Now, obviously they can only keep organs for so long, so they gave him a month to make his mind up or the heart would go to someone else. During this month, he seemed to be on the phone to my DH's Mum every day, trying to get her to help him make a decision. He's been trying to get back with her for ages (he had numerous affairs and left her for his ex-wife a few years ago...we was also very abusive and beat my DH for his entire childhood...I don't want to drip feed, I'm sure you can understand why I don't like the man). He seemed to be guilt tripping her... saying about how he's going to die and he's so sorry for everything that happened. He may be sincere...but I have trouble believing that if I'm honest. On top of this, he's been saying that he really wants to reconcile with DH, but he's making no effort at all, and it strikes me this is just for her benefit. We have a DD and he has never met her. He's never even called to ask how she is, or made any effort at all. No birthday cards/Christmas cards or anything. He's on facebook and could easily get in touch, but hasn't bothered. I'm not even sure he knows her name if I'm honest.

So this went on for a few weeks, and in the end he decided not to have the operation. He's being very "woe is me" and seems to really be trying to make everyone feel bad for him.

I'm well aware my feelings may be clouding my judgement...I'd like nothing more than for him to make the effort to try and reconcile with my DH. DH has a lot of issues thanks to his childhood, and I do think it may help him deal with them. But he doesn't seem interested at all unless DH does all the running...and I don't really feel it should be down to him.

I try my best not to let my feelings known to DH. It's up to him at the end of the day. It's just made me a bit angry, that he seems to be using this situation to his advantage. I'm quite open to being told I'm unreasonable by the way. I understand when people are faced with their own mortality it can change them...and I do not wish him any harm. I just have real trouble believing he's sincere. Phew, sorry for the long one. Thanks if you're still reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:01

Sorry that should say he was also very abusive not we (3rd paragraph)

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/05/2012 15:05

How does your DH feel about the whole situation?

Ithinkitsjustme · 16/05/2012 15:06

You need to step away and let your DH deal with this in his own way and support him in any way you can. If you try to intervene in any way then it could massively backfire on you. Also your MIL needs to make her own decisions about this man.

Out of interest is there any verification for this information, I know it sounds awful, but my own FIL made up a whole load of c* aout his health - similar story actually about his heart and bypass etc, etc. A month is a long time for teh health authorities to give him to make up his mind about a transplant. If an organ comes up they have a day or so at best to do the op.

manicbmc · 16/05/2012 15:08

Sounds like he's had plenty of time and opportunity to try. It's up to him if he wants a transplant or not (they wouldn't have kept a heart for him for a month though - organs need to be transplanted as quickly as possible). He would be put on a waiting list for one though - if he decided that was what he wanted.

If he plays no real part in your lives, I'd just stay well out of it unless your dp wants to do anything.

CailinDana · 16/05/2012 15:08

The thing about the organs being "kept" baffled me too, to be honest. With transplants you're put on a list according to need, and when a heart becomes a available you're called in at very short notice to have the op. There's no way on earth a heart would become available and then be kept. Perhaps he meant he had a month to decide whether to go on the list? If he actually said there was a heart available then he's talking through his arse.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/05/2012 15:10

A month to make up his mind???? They cant keep a heart for a month, they have a window of hours I think to use an organ once removed from the donor.

Sounds like he is pulling a fast one to me....what a shame anyway for a heart to go to someone like him......I know, I know, everyone should have a chance etc but even so.......

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:10

I didn't know that ithinkitsjustme. He has private health care - does that make a difference? I know he has had a heart attack and bypass as he was still with my MIL at the time.

DH says he's not bothered. I would never dream of getting involved, I will support him whatever he decides. I just hate seeing DH upset, and this man DOES upset him. He tries to say he doesn't, but I know him better than that. He says the only thing that matters is DD and if his Dad can't be bothered with her, then he will make no effort whatsoever.

There's part of me that agrees...but then if he DOES die, I worry that DH will regret not sorting things.

OP posts:
DPrince · 16/05/2012 15:11

I am not sure if it's the way the op is worded. But there is no way they would keep an organ. Is that what you mean? Or is that what you have been told from fil? It all sounds a bit suspect to me.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:12

Wow...well that puts a new perspective on it. Part of me was angry thinking about the people who desperately want a heart not being able to have a perfectly good one while he pissed about making his mind up.

He must have been lying then. That makes it even WORSE >_<

I know sweet FA about organs etc, so I was none the wiser.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/05/2012 15:13

Even if he spent thousands on private health care, they cannot use and organ after such a length of time.

Ithinkitsjustme · 16/05/2012 15:13

Private health care won't make any difference to how long they can keep the organ (unless they are now shooting donors to order Grin). Whatever the truth is, keep out of it and be there for your DH whatever he does.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:13

He definitely said they had a heart for him and he had to make up his mind. We only took the information from DH's Mum. She'll believe pretty much anything he tells her to be honest, and me not knowing any better about the way it works was obviously sucked in as well.

DH was a bit suspicious, we just didn't think he'd actually sink that low if i'm honest.

OP posts:
DPrince · 16/05/2012 15:13

A heart must be in the donor with hours. Private healthcare doesn't make a difference. A heart becomes available, patient is call, heart goes in. An organ can not be kept while somebody decides if the want it.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:15

I did think it sounded a bit weird...thanks for clearing that up though. At least I know my feelings weren't completely wrong.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/05/2012 15:16

As I understand it, you go on a waiting list and if an organ becomes available and you are top of the list (plus is a viable option) then you have the surgery. You can make the decision whether to be on the list or not.

Tbh, he sounds like a vile man and your dh might end up with more issues if he has contact.

Clytaemnestra · 16/05/2012 15:18

The only way they could technically have kept a heart for him is if they had someone on life support and they were waiting to turn off life support when your FIL worked out if he fancied the heart or not. So pretty unlikely ethically really.

Are you sure he's talking about a heart transplant and not a pacemaker?

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:18

You may be right manicbmc. I'd be happy if I never saw him again. He was at our wedding and didn't even say anything to me all day.

Now I need to decide whether to say anything about this to DH. I may just leave it. I don't think it will really achieve much if I out him as a liar.

OP posts:
DPrince · 16/05/2012 15:19

Can you even have a heart transplant private? I thought only the NHS did them to ensure no one queue jumps.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:19

DEFINITELY a heart transplant Clytaemnestra. I feel stupidly gullible now. I've just not had any experience of organ donation so didn't know.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 16/05/2012 15:22

Just keep the info as a trump card. If he tries it on, use it. But no need to further upset your dh. Poor bugger.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:24

That's a good idea. It seems that just when he's finally come to terms with everything he pops back up and opens all the old wounds up. The abuse was seriously bad. Nothing sexual, just violence. The other thing was that he had 4 brothers and sisters and none of them ever got anything...it was only him that did.

OP posts:
DPrince · 16/05/2012 15:27

Even keeping someone on life support would help. It's to much strain on the heart. when harvesting organs families are encouraged to make a decision sooner rather than later as the longer life support the worse the condition of the organs. And as pp said its not ethical and there would have been someone else on the list who would have been given it if he couldn't decide.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 16/05/2012 15:30

One of the main reasons I was angry about it was that I was thinking of the people who may have died in the meantime waiting for a heart.

Turns out he's just a lying arsehole.

I did think he was milking it a bit for attention...like he wanted everyone to rush around him saying "oh please, have the surgery! We want you to live!".

But then, as I said, I was worried my dislike for the man was clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/05/2012 15:31

It's up to your DH as to how this should be handled really. Talk to him about it, see what he says. If he's happy to just ignore this horrible shit stirrer of a man, then I think he's got his head screwed on right and I doubt he'll regret it. As for your MIL, if she's stupid enough to get back with a man who beat her son and cheated on her, then let her. She's not your problem. People who abuse their children are the lowest of the low and don't deserve compassion IMO.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/05/2012 15:36

YANBU, anyone needing a heart transplant and getting to the top of the list is likely to be very ill and probably already in hospital, and as everyone has been saying its something that has been arranged as they on a list, all paperwork signed etc so that as soon as one becomes available they can move quickly. they do not keep them in a freezer 'just in case' he sounds like a chancer to me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread