to think that FIL is wrong?

[ScarletLadyOfTheNight01]

I know, it's a PIL one...you're probably sick of people bitching about their in-laws by now.

I don't post on here too often, but I have before regarding my FIL. I'm unsure if my reaction is down to the fact I don't like him and he's just scared, or if he's actually being out of order.

He has heart problems, and has had a bypass in the past. He was recently told he needed a transplant, but he couldn't make his mind up whether to go through with it or not. Now, obviously they can only keep organs for so long, so they gave him a month to make his mind up or the heart would go to someone else. During this month, he seemed to be on the phone to my DH's Mum every day, trying to get her to help him make a decision. He's been trying to get back with her for ages (he had numerous affairs and left her for his ex-wife a few years ago...we was also very abusive and beat my DH for his entire childhood...I don't want to drip feed, I'm sure you can understand why I don't like the man). He seemed to be guilt tripping her... saying about how he's going to die and he's so sorry for everything that happened. He may be sincere...but I have trouble believing that if I'm honest. On top of this, he's been saying that he really wants to reconcile with DH, but he's making no effort at all, and it strikes me this is just for her benefit. We have a DD and he has never met her. He's never even called to ask how she is, or made any effort at all. No birthday cards/Christmas cards or anything. He's on facebook and could easily get in touch, but hasn't bothered. I'm not even sure he knows her name if I'm honest.

So this went on for a few weeks, and in the end he decided not to have the operation. He's being very "woe is me" and seems to really be trying to make everyone feel bad for him.

I'm well aware my feelings may be clouding my judgement...I'd like nothing more than for him to make the effort to try and reconcile with my DH. DH has a lot of issues thanks to his childhood, and I do think it may help him deal with them. But he doesn't seem interested at all unless DH does all the running...and I don't really feel it should be down to him.

I try my best not to let my feelings known to DH. It's up to him at the end of the day. It's just made me a bit angry, that he seems to be using this situation to his advantage. I'm quite open to being told I'm unreasonable by the way. I understand when people are faced with their own mortality it can change them...and I do not wish him any harm. I just have real trouble believing he's sincere. Phew, sorry for the long one. Thanks if you're still reading.

TOTAL AND UTTER BULLSHIT, your PIL not you.

(a) A heart needs to be transplanted within 4-6 hours

(b) In this country clinical/medical need trumps being a private patient every time.

(c) While you can opt out of the transplant list, you can't opt in, you need to be assessed medically and psychiatric assessment. And him wavering like this about it would not be seen as a good sign. Hearts are in very short supply, why would you give one to someone who wasn't committed to having the op keeping himself in the best possible condition etc.

(d) Nor would being a private patient get him higher up the list.

If he was a nice man I would suggest that maybe it was suggested to him that he may need this op in the future but his chances of actually receiving one were low and this was his way of processing that info and he had misunderstood what it all entailed.

If he was a daft man, I would wonder if he had been told he needed another bypass as they can re-block.

Though from what I recall most transplant in adults are done because of end stage heart failure rather than atherosclerosis.

But from what you have said he is just playing with all of your feelings

Nasty Evil Vile Man

Your DH and DD are better off well away from him.

(Oh and if he was ill enough to go on the transplant list I would expect him to be on a lorry load of meds, possibly oxygen, regular hospital visits and wouldn?t have the energy to be badgering people)

Thanks for that info smellslikecatspee. It makes everything clearer.

I'm glad I asked, because even though I'm now more angry at him, at least I know my anger is not misdirected frustration. I've got used to being angry with him anyway.

FIL could decide whether to be on the transplant list, and even if a donor heart were found to be a match for him he could still refuse it when he was contacted. I think it more likely that he was offered some type of procedure that would buy him some time, if he was to go on the transplant list. All surgery carries the risk of not surviving, so he wasn't lying about that, but I feel he has misled people by what he has said.

I think YANBU to feel angry with FIL for everything that has happened, but ultimately it's DH's decision where he goes from here and he will need your support all the way.

I think you could reasonably get information about organ transplantation (people do this all the time when deciding whether to carry donor cards) so that you are armed with accurate information, if in the event that DH decides to contact FIL he will soon find out after asking a few questions whether he's lying about his treatment. Of course FIL could then say it must have been MIL getting confused and misunderstanding what her told her, so I think you're right not to say anything unless you need to.

Does he not mean they gave him a month to decide whether he wanted to have a transplant in the first place?

He definitely said there was a heart waiting for him. I thought it sounded fishy, but just assumed maybe I didn't know anything about transplants. The more I think about it, the more I can't believe we believed him.