to not want to hear my married friends bickering?

[DestinationUnknown]

Just a vent really. I'm single and ds and I are often invited over to friends' houses to spend time with them and their dc. Which is lovely, obviously, as are my friends, generally.

Not so lovely is having to hear the mutal sniping, passive-aggressive use of the term "darling" and to endure rolled eyes and having one spouse or other try to get me on side while they criticise something the other has done.

I know that having small children puts a strain on a relationship but this also happens with my erstwhile in-laws (am on good terms and take ds to see them often).

Perhaps I am BU and should just suck it up as a polite guest?

YANBU.... It's incredbily bad manners to be sniping at each other when you have guests and utterly crass to try to get the guests to take sides. "I've obviously turned up in the middle of an argument. I'll get out of your way until things are better... Good bye" is quite valid. Life's too short to listen to couples bickering....

I agree. It's very offputting.

YANBU - very immature behaviour as well as embarrasing for you! I'd say something if I were you.

Ooh just seen cogito's suggestion of what to say - v good!

Good grief, I'm sure my DH and I do this all the time! It's good natured bickering (honestly), and it's only in front of people we feel relaxed enough to be ourselves with.

If it doesn't come across as being good natured, just tell them (in a nice way) to take their argument elsewhere. If somebody said that to me, I'd realise I'd taken it too far and shut up.

Thanks all. It's tempting to up sticks and leave, but seems a bit rude and OTT when someone's gone to the trouble of cooking lunch for me and ds. Even with a side-order of bickering.

MsVestibule - depends on how far you go.

Recent example:

Her: "darling, are you putting the meat in now? I think you should because you know what happened last time." "He can be hopeless sometimes, always getting it wrong."
Him: "well I am doing it all on my own you know darling." (despite me having offered to help several times)
Her: "well I am looking after the baby here darling. you can swap with me if you want and I'll get on with the lunch."
Him "no no you deal with the baby, darling, I'm fine here."
Her: "darling, I think the potatoes need peeling"
Him:
Me "isn't this weather frustrating"

we have some friends who do this and I admit that at the start I used to find it a bit awkward. We have known them now for so long that we now mostly smile to ourselves and let them get on with it. It just seems to be how they are. OTOH an exchange like that ^ would lead to divorce for me and DH, we would never forgive eachother for being so rude!

I think you need some new friends!
Or you could be really nice and offer to babysit so they can get some time together where they don't feel the need to snipe, or you could invite them round to yours for lunch so they can see that actually 1 person can do both jobs!!

OK... if you want to stick it out for the sake of a bit of old pasta, try a few acid put-downs

"Have you nothing nice to say to each other?"
"So how long has your marriage been on the rocks?"
"If I didn't know you two were married I'd think you hated each other..."

I have friends who are a bit like this. This kind of low level bickering passes for sport in their house. At first I found it awkward. Five years down the line and I get quite into the spirit of it, I tend to side with whoever is losing to see if I can swing the balance.

christ- i couldnt spend time with people that say 'darling' so much

and i would say what cogito suggests

They sound dull.

very uncomfortable, I hate it when people do this sort of thing

Grim. Do people really behave like that in private, never mind in front of guests?!

And I ain't no spring chicken: we've been together 15 years and manage to, you know, be nice to each other. I would probably burst into tears (as the guest, I mean).

Sounds like my parents!

YANBU.

I don't want to witness marital bickering than I want to witness marital sex. Both should be kept private and not inflicted on innocent bystanders.

We once had to fake a badly sprained ankle (DH's) to escape a long weekend in the Brecon Beacons in a tent with a hairy alsation and a bickering married couple. It was hell.

YANBU. Is this just one set of friends or do you know a lot of people who behave this way? Personally, I'd find it way too stressful to keep being around people who were always like that (we all have the occasional bad day, fair enough)

I'd be tempted to get one of them alone at some stage and ask if everything is all right as they don't seem to be getting on - it might at least get them to look at their behaviour if it surprises them that they're giving that impression.

I hate having to listen to couples bickering, it's very awkward and embarrassing. We went on a holiday with a couple like this once and DP (now DH, must get used to that!) and I were just at the constant unpleasantness and sniping between them. We wouldn't speak to each other like that in private, never mind in front of other people.

I think it's something some couples get into a habit of, and I can't imagine it can be good for the relationship. Yes most/all couples have their disagreements, but your everyday default behaviour surely should be showing kindness and respect towards each other?

Thank you OriginalSteamingNit for the A&M sketch, just perfect!

It's not just the one couple (who were making a meal out of making a v nice roast not just old pasta btw!), but the "in laws" and a couple of other couples who will spend a fair bit of time saying "no but it's not like that" and "no but listen" to one another in the midst of a fairly normal group discussion on the state of the world. Or else there are conversations about "have you done xyz?" "well no because I couldn't because you ..."

All fairly normal day to day domestic conversations but best kept for private (not least because it is DULL for people who are not part of the household).

I wonder if they do this with guests who come in couples, or if it's a symptom of being solo and therefore perhaps not a proper guest, just someone you've asked round to be nice?

With the meat roasting couple I did get to the stage of wondering if he had wanted to do something else and I was just in the way .

Plan of action:
1 Join in with the passive aggressive "darling-ing"
2 sprain ankle and attempt to leave
3 if all else fails shout "Pru it's kicking off" and start a fight

I have a friends who do this I always side with the woman

The reason they do it is because they want an audience and they think their acid remarks make them look clever. It's actually childish 'look at me' stuff. I think guests are fair game for this performance because they know most people are too polite to say anything. Don't think it matters that you're single... just that you're polite and say nothing. Which is why, if you point out how ridiculous they're being, they'll probably stop. No-one like to be rumbled as a show-off.