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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I heartless?

27 replies

Magneto · 15/05/2012 17:21

I get the train to and from work and you can pretty much guarantee that once a week I will be asked if I can spare any change to help a stranger get home as they don't enough for the train. They normally produce 20p/£1 to demonstrate their lack of funds.

Generally the people are different each time but a couple I now recognise because they have asked me more than once. These people have been all sorts of nationalities and as the area gets a lot of tourists I do always try to stop when a stranger asks a question because a lot of the time all they want is directions but if they ask for money I always decline.

I still worry that some of them might be genuine. So am I a heartless bitch or would you do the same?

OP posts:

Selyna · 15/05/2012 17:24

It sounds heartless but I do believe it is best to say no as someone asked me once when I got off a train to see a friend in Coventry, asked me for 10p but he looked a bit dodgy so I declined, mentioned it to my friend and she said they start by asking for small amounts then when you give them that they ask for more and follow you etc. Don't know how true this is but I would stick with saying no!

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 17:27

I generally don't give money to people on the street (though I have bought food). They only target stations to support their cover story. I don't doubt that they are in genuine need of some sort or another, but I prefer to donate to several charities

Northernlurker · 15/05/2012 17:28

I would do the same as you OP. It's a well know scam tactic. Around our way we get buttonholed at church and the applicant always has to get back to one of the smaller local towns in time for a benefit appointment and doesn't have bus fare. As a church we have an agreement that we will not give money in those circumstances but we will give a cup of tea and directions to other sources of help in the area.
I know damn well we're not heartless. A couple of years ago the church was involved in supporting a group of Romanians who had come to the city to work but basically been abandoned by the dodgy bloke who had 'employed' them. They had no money to get home, no job and no where to stay. When some folks from the church met them they had spent one cold night sleeping rough and were terrified. They spent the next couple of nights in tents in the garden of one of the congregation and were helped to communicate with their embassy and book and pay for flights home. The people who ask for bus fare need help all right but not that sort of help and I may be a Christian but that doesn't mean I'm stupid!

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 17:31

You're not heartless, I try not to give money to people on the street as I don't really know where it's going to go. Yes there must be genuine cases and it's sad that they get tied in with the dishonest people but I wouldn't like to think I've funded somebody's smack habit.

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 17:31

McHappyPants2012 · 15/05/2012 17:31

Never give cash to strangers

HillyWallaby · 15/05/2012 17:34

If it happens regularly (and the same people more than once) then it is almost certainly just begging/conning good natured people. If in doubt say no.

Rilson · 15/05/2012 17:37

I dont give cash to strangers because I dont know where its going.

I do give regularly to a few specific charities though and other causes personal to me.

lololizzy · 15/05/2012 17:38

I work in a charity shop, which is almost next door to train station. And i get this most days! They think as I'm in a charity shop, I must be very charitable! And often, myself and volunteers have helped (and my volunteers are unwaged..some not on benefits either). But I'm not doing it any more! I'm skint too! I don't get fares subsidised! And one guy, started coming in regularly and asking. It turned out there never were any train journeys for him, either. So...not heartless.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 17:39

No I'm the same as you...I don't give to them. I've been caught too many times.

Often it's children asking for money for the bus because they've forgotten their Oyster Cards...but I take out my mobile and offer to ring their parents or school.

The cost of a single bus journey here in London is £2.30 and I've often seen people give it to them...only to hear the kids laughing about it outside the sweet shop.

MsKittyFane · 15/05/2012 17:43

I gave money to a girl crying into a mobile phone at a train station once. She had lost her purse and when we asked the station staff they refused to take her DH's card over the phone for a ticket.
She even asked if she could pay at the other end if her DH met her. They said no (?!?)
So I bought her a ticket.
She was either a very good actress or genuine!!
People you are talking about are often there most days so YANBU to say no. I wouldn't hand over money either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 17:45

I wouldn't either but I'm torn. A very kind lady gave me £1 when I needed it for the parking meter (£5.70 was all I had and it ate it ALL and needed another pound). I was rifling through my bag for something to give her in return and she wouldn't take the mini jam pot I had... she was laughing as she walked off.

scarletforya · 15/05/2012 17:45

Not heartless at all. Give them nothing, it's not your problem!

boxyfoxy · 15/05/2012 17:50

not heartless.... only for you to judge whether you want to give people your hard earned cash or not! I have given money, but I've also refused just depends on circumstance and that gut feeling.

Mrsjay · 15/05/2012 17:52

I have had this a few times and always said no , I usually say ive no cash on me smile and walk away fast , I dont think its heartless especially if you recognise some of them ,

rogersmellyonthetelly · 15/05/2012 18:00

I no longer give money to individuals who beg after I gave a quid to someone in a town centre who claimed to be homeless, I saw her on the train home the same day, she got off at same stop as me and turns out she lived in a nice 2 bed terrace with a 2 year old car on the drive in the next street to me. II was considerably pissed off as I couldn't afford to run a car at the time. I now give to homeless charities instead or give food parcels to my local shelter.

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 15/05/2012 18:01

I was conned into this once but in a different way! A lady looking quite respectable said "do you have any change it only takes coins" and pointed to the ticket machine, I got my purse out and said how much do you need change for, she then said "oh, no sorry I meant I have no change, I need £2.50" I replied hastily that I didn't actually have any SPARE change which is what she should have asked for!

I bet she got a few quid, especially because most people already have their purse out ready to exchange for coins etc and are put on the spot -yanbu!

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 15/05/2012 18:03

I once had to ask.

I was in an airport abroad, and the cashpoint was broken. A lovely lady took pity on me and lent me (gave actually) a ?.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 18:07

There was a woman used to do the rounds of the bus stops. They target students up this way as they are a soft touch usually.

I don't give to beggars. If they were asking for a sandwich, that would be different though.

Original poster

Magneto · 15/05/2012 18:27

Loopy I too have been in a similar situation once, when I was 16 I got stuck in London Victoria station after I missed the coach home. I had been visiting my dad but I couldn't ring him to ask for money as he's not that sort of dad . In the end I managed to do a reverse call to dh's mum who bought a ticket over the phone for me but if she hadn't answered the phone then I would have been completely stuck (and I would have needed a lot more than a couple of quid to get home!).

This is why I feel so bad when I say no. Some of the people who have approached me are obviously kids (13-16 years old) and I worry about them, thinking they could be in the same situation I was nearly in, but I know that's how the scammers target people.

OP posts:

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 15/05/2012 18:46

It is a scam, but that doesn't really bother me. I don't know, sometimes my will to resist just gives up. Yes I am in no doubt that it's not going on a bus fare etc but in the end, they're life is pretty shoddy and if I do have spare change on me I don't mind giving it up.

Although rogers story makes me wonder though. I don't mind if it's actually spent on food/drink but i do mind if it's just a way to get a bit of extra cash

muminthecity · 15/05/2012 19:31

YANBU, it's your money, do whatever you wish with it. I always give money to people who need it. They may or may not be genuine, I'm happy to take the risk. They may also spend it all on crack or booze, but I'm not bothered by that either really, if it helps them through a rough night on the streets.

I would like to think that if I or my DD were ever to end up homeless there would be people out there willing to help. Lets face it, it could happen to any one of us; there but for the grace of God etc...

DizzyKipper · 15/05/2012 19:36

We had some guy stop me and DH in the street, coming up with some elaborate story that involved a trip to Amsterdam, his son, and an inability to pay the gas bill. DH gave him some change - I saw it more as paying him to get away from us since his breath stank of booze, he looked quite shabby, his speech was slurred and he just generally seemed to be talking BS. I don't think it's heartless, some people are just inclined to try to take advantage of other people's good nature. In fact I've heard of people being able to make quite good money out of this when doing it regularly. You can't help be cynical.

DizzyKipper · 15/05/2012 19:37

*help but BE cynical

xxmush1983xx · 15/05/2012 19:48

Some kind gent once got me out of a tight spot on the train when I had left my purse at home, although I never asked he very kindly bought my ticket and saved me being booted off the train in the middle of nowhere! I repaid him the next day. I would, however, be wary of people asking for change here and there, you can usually tell the genuine cases, they tend not to ask!

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