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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email the 'OW'

40 replies

Moreamoxicillin · 15/05/2012 14:25

My DH got in touch with his ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. He said we were having marriage trouble, and asked if they could be in touch "discreetly". They then sent each other hundreds of texts over the next six weeks, mostly late at night (due to work absences/demands and co-sleeping with small DC2 DH and I have mostly been in separate beds recently). DH claims the texts were innocent, but deleted them all, so I don't know if that's true.

DH and I are working through this with counselling etc. But I know his ex (have met her a few times) and think she's been an utter arse about this too. WIBU to email her, politely, to tell her that - in her position - I would have behaved very differently? She's got form on this, having had a three-year affair with someone else's husband, so I feel particularly strongly that I want her to know that she's really upset me. My draft email isn't arsey at all (e.g. I don't mention her previous affair), but I'm wondering if it's stupid to send something at all.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/05/2012 14:28

She sounds like a complete cow but no, dont mail her...all you will do is make yourself look a bit sad and desperate, sorry!! She obviously has no conscience about doing this sort of thing and who knows....if you start mailing her you may just make her that little bit more keen on your D(?) H!

DH claims the texts were innocent, but deleted them all, so I don't know if that's true The fact that he deleted them says that they are not innocent I would imagine.

chibi · 15/05/2012 14:29

it is a bad idea to try to appeal to the better sentiments of someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you, your marriage or you feelings

tbh this could refer to her or your dh

say nothing, marshall resources, protect yourself and make a plan - leave or stay, don't fly into it

good luck

Flyonthewindscreen · 15/05/2012 14:32

I wouldn't email her, I would text her back from your DH's phone saying something along lines of you know the score and could she please now completely get the fuck away from your husband stay away from your husband, although you realise she has a fondness for a married man. Don't get into a slanging match though, after all its your DH you have the ishoos with.

TroublesomeEx · 15/05/2012 14:32

Type it into a word document, print it out and burn it.

You feel the need to get it all out.

Do not give her that power. Nothing.

It will make no difference to her - she'll just think you're a loser and that it's no wonder your DH went elsewhere.

If she was bothered that he was married, she wouldn't have had anything to do with him.

lisaro · 15/05/2012 14:33

Don't message her. Try and keep some dignity. The person mainly at fault here I'd your husband. He's the one who went looking, probably, I'm sorry to say, for more than texts. Dealing with him and your own relationship is where you should be directing your energy.

Glitterkitten24 · 15/05/2012 14:33

As tempting as it is, I wouldn't bother. If she's done the same thing in the past it's unlikely that she's bothered that these are married men, so it's not likely to affect her.

Plus, although she sounds like a charming lady, your issue isn't really with her but with your dh, no? I'm sure if he wasn't replying she'd have gotten the message and backed off pretty quickly.

Good luck with the counselling, hope you get the outcome you want.x

MaisyMooCow · 15/05/2012 14:34

Had she not had previous form for dabbling with a MM maybe and email may have jolted her and caused her to realise her actions. However with her previous form I have to agree with cgibi in that this woman clearly has no regards for you, your marriage or your feelings.

It's up to your DH to cut her off as he was the one who re-ignited the flame. You don't need to have any contact with this woman. She sounds toxic to me.

redrubyshoes · 15/05/2012 14:35

Do NoT Send It.

Repeat and repeat again until it becomes a mantra.

Have the conversation with your DH and keep her out of your marriage.

PurplePidjin · 15/05/2012 14:35

Save your anger for the husband who betrayed you - the OW is just some random caught in the crossfire, she owes you nothing. And she may well be the kind of person to take great delight in your discomfiture...

Frontpaw · 15/05/2012 14:36

Don't do it. She is nothing to you and hopefully out of your lives.

Original poster
Moreamoxicillin · 15/05/2012 14:36

Should have said that I did send her a short text before, when I found out about all the texting, saying she was welcome to him (vvvvv f*cked off at the time). She then cut off contact with DH, though she did text him to say it wasn't worth risking his marriage for "the occasional chatty text" - hardly an accurate assessment of nightly messaging.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 15/05/2012 14:36

There's no point - either she'll gloat at the pain she's caused you, or she won't care.

Frontpaw · 15/05/2012 14:38

OK so she backed off? Well keep her there.

beela · 15/05/2012 14:38

Don't send it.

TheHappyHissy · 15/05/2012 14:41

My DH got in touch with his ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. He said we were having marriage trouble, and asked if they could be in touch "discreetly".

YOUR DH DID THIS No point in emailing her, she's not your problem.

OK so she has ZERO self esteem and has derived some illicit thrill in all this, poor cow, how genuinely shitty a person do you have to be to not tell this creep to FTFO?

Your H has betrayed you, if his texts were innocent, then there would have been no problem in him keeping them.

YOUR H needs to know what he has done and how it has hurt you and HE needs to tell this woman to FTFO or he can stop being a DH and start being an EX-H.

NarkedPuffin · 15/05/2012 14:41

'Should have said that I did send her a short text before, when I found out about all the texting, saying she was welcome to him (vvvvv f*cked off at the time). She then cut off contact with DH, though she did text him to say it wasn't worth risking his marriage for "the occasional chatty text" - hardly an accurate assessment of nightly messaging.'

She doesn't sound like an evil woman who lured your DH into sin. Leave the blame with the man who made the promises to you.

molschambers · 15/05/2012 14:42

No. Absolutely don't email her. Type it all out by all means but don't send it to her.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 14:46

Yes, this woman has no regard for you, your marriage or your feelings - but then I would expect her to. You aren't married to her. She is a free agent and can do what she likes, pretty much (even if she has behaved despicably).

Your husband, on the other hand, should respect you, your feelings and your marriage but clearly doesn't and has decided to play about at the first bump along the way.

If he can't change his attitude and be supportive, I'd reckon you'd be better off letting the OW have him.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 14:47

*wouldn't fgs

Paiviaso · 15/05/2012 14:47

No don't send it. She is not the one who married you and made promises.

Also, I think contacting the OW makes her a bit more a concrete player in your relationship, and can give her a feeling of power. Don't give her that satisfaction.

Yellowtip · 15/05/2012 16:47

As a general rule, I can't see what's particularly wrong in saying hello to old flames/ friends. It seems very possessive of wives and husbands to get too uptight about an old friend or girl/ boyfriend getting in touch.

Obviously here the old girlfriend has form, but it seems fine to me generally.

McHappyPants2012 · 15/05/2012 16:54

How is she the OW they have been texting, not having a relationship.

There seems to be trust issues in your relationship

GrahamTribe · 15/05/2012 16:56

If she is intent on shagging your husband an email will tell her all she needs to know about the fragility of your marriage, your insecurity about it and that she's got you both right where she wants you. If she isn't, you'll be doing your marriage no favours either as you'll come across as the possessive wife.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 17:03

Your DH says the texts were innocent

She says the texts were innocent

You haven't read the texts and admit yourself that you don't know if they were innocent.

I genuinely don't see how you are viewing her as the 'OW'??

I'm not saying you shouldn't be annoyed at the secrecy...but you really don't know that she's the 'OW' or a friend.

Yellowtip · 15/05/2012 17:12

OP I've re-read your op.

Surely you haven't gone to counselling to 'work through' the fact that your husband sent apparently innocent texts (albeit quite a few)?

I really hope none of the old boyfriends I've had occasion to e-mail have been subjected to that.