To email the 'OW'

[Moreamoxicillin]

My DH got in touch with his ex girlfriend a couple of months ago. He said we were having marriage trouble, and asked if they could be in touch "discreetly". They then sent each other hundreds of texts over the next six weeks, mostly late at night (due to work absences/demands and co-sleeping with small DC2 DH and I have mostly been in separate beds recently). DH claims the texts were innocent, but deleted them all, so I don't know if that's true.

DH and I are working through this with counselling etc. But I know his ex (have met her a few times) and think she's been an utter arse about this too. WIBU to email her, politely, to tell her that - in her position - I would have behaved very differently? She's got form on this, having had a three-year affair with someone else's husband, so I feel particularly strongly that I want her to know that she's really upset me. My draft email isn't arsey at all (e.g. I don't mention her previous affair), but I'm wondering if it's stupid to send something at all.

I can see why you're pissed off. Lets face it, if the texts were that inncoentthey wouldn't have been sent late at night and they wouldn't have ALL been deleted. I'd be pretty suspicious too.

Do NOT contact this woman. You say she has form for this kind of behaviour in which case knowing she's had a hold over another woman's husband probably gives her an ego boost, which is utterly pathetic. Don't inflate her ego even further by letting her think you're that upset by her. Just don't give her that satisfaction.

You know you would never do what she has done and so does everyone you know who matters.

Been in a similar position myself and was very tempted to email the utter bitch woman in question but didn't even though she said some horrible untrue stuff about me to people we both know. Had to sit on my hands to stop myself at times but it was worth it. She was the one who came out looking like the bitch she is.

Focus on sorting stuff out with your husband. He needs to do a lot better at emplaining himself to you imo.

Don't contact her. redrubyshoes puts it very well, 'keep her out of your marriage'.

The deleting would hack me off, admittedly. A lot.

Why can't innocent texts be sent late at night?

I agree about the deleting and secrecy being suspicious though

Is this woman in a relationship?

OP, leave the woman alone and retain your dignity... altho this is a bit of "do as i say, not as i do!"

I was in a similar situation about 5 years ago with my then DF- now DH (we worked thru it and very glad we did).

The OW was a mutual friend who I had previously thought was being overly flirty and coming onto my OH (Who was equally guilty for basking in the attention). she gave me a whole schpeel about how her dad cheated on her mum and how it broke their family etc and how she would never do it etc, That just broken up from an abusive OH and had an abortion (which no one else apart from one mutual friend knew of. Mutual friend later told me than OW had only told me this to make me feel sorry for her and trust her), and she was messed up and very sorry etc...

12 months later dh and I were going thru a very rough patch and on a break, they both got drunk and slept together.... because we were supposedly friends- certainly not close but more than aquaintances- I just couldn't hold it in, and sent her a rather abusive email letting it all out... It was picked up on the system at her work (the only email i had for her) due to my language and her senior management were made aware of it and all the gory details. She was mortified, I think it became office gossip and not in a nice way. I wasn't sorry.

The only advice I would say is that in your situation the OW doesn't know you, and as disgusting as it is, clearly feels she owes you and your family life nothing and will pay you no regard, so I don't think there is any point in saying anything.

With regard to DH if you want it to work, then you need to work thru it and put it behind you- you can't hold onto it or it will eat your marriage up.

Good luck OP.

As others have said, no way on this earth were the messages innocent. He has probably fed you some crap about how he knew you would get the wrong idea and over react so he deleted them, which makes you feel bad for not trusting him and deflects blame from him.
He may not have been arranging to meet her and he may not have been having text sex, but I doubt they were discussing the weather. That's just my opinion, based on the actions of my dh who has form on the text sex front! I always know if he is texting someone as his phone is always with him, always on silent and his message inbox is always empty.

I like Chibi's post on page 1.
I would have an escape plan in place - eg chat with solicitor, set up own bank account, get documentation on CSA etc. Let slip to DH that you have done this in the hope that he will not risk this again arrogant twat

You don't know that they weren't innocent. I've deleted a huge amount of messages from a male friend of mine; not because there was stuff to hang me, but because I was clearing them out - those and from other friends.

Thanks for all the input. DH's ex is single.

I'm in touch with a couple of exes, who are good friends, but I have never concealed that contact, nor would I need to. It's hard to believe the texts were innocent when they've all been deleted (particularly having now seen DH's email, which he did show me).

I will take your unanimous advice not to email, but I will make a plan. Thank you.

I can understand why you are upset that your DH is in touch with an ex-GF at a time when you are feeling fragile. You are going through a rough patch, you are not getting enough sleep due to small child and co-sleeping, there are absences and demands from work, and you are feeling low.

You say you are in counselling and are working it out. Could you talk to him and explain that it is upsetting you that he is talking to an ex- and ask him not to contact her while you get through this?

It may be that he is feeling lonely and troubled and tired and finds contact with her comforting, and doesn't want to show you the texts because he is expressing stuff about his relationship with you that he needs to deal with/tell you in his own time.

I actually meant to say "texts sent late at night instead of say in the evening when he may have been lounging on the sofa with his wife." That's usually when I text/fb people. I'd only text someone late at night as a habit if I had something to hide. I'd only delete ALL the messages if I had something to hide.

For those who think the texts may have genuinely been innocent:

1. The OP's DH contacted an EX-GF because of perceived "marriage problems". He didn't talk to the OP, he didn't suggest counselling, he didn't confide in a mate down the pub. His choice of confidant was an EX-GF.
2. The OP's DH asked this ex-GF for "discreet" contact. Not upfront, by-the-way-I'm-back-in-touch-with-Ex contact. "Discreet", as in "keep this hidden/secret". Why all the secrecy?
3. The OP's DH and the ex-GF carried out this "discreet texting" late at night. Not at odd moments throughout the day, not when the OP was around as most people would do if this were truly an "innocent" friendship.
4. The OP's DH deleted ALL the messages from the ex-GF. Every single one. How convenient. He didn't even keep one to make replying easier, rather than having to select her number each time. Unless he deletes every message from every contact as a matter of course, that suggests "something to hide".

Any one of those things on its own MIGHT be innocent. All of them together? Not a chance.

I think you should do it. One of my best friends used to sleep with men in relationships and feel no guilt. I think if she were actually confronted with the damage she had done it would make her see it differently. This woman will have concocted an image of you in her Head that you are lacking in some way so that she doesn't feel guilt about what she is doing, your dh may have even helped her along with this eg my wife never has time for me anymore etc. by seeing you as a real, caring, decent woman it may force her to rethink her actions. I think it could be positive for everyone involved. It will help you get some closure. But make sure you make your dh pay because he is actually the one who hurt you and broke your trust. You deserve better.

Fireandashes has said exactly what I wanted to say but so much better than I did (I yammer too much).

Honestly, I wouldn't trust your husband as far as I could throw him OP. Asking a woman for "discreet" contact makes the whole situation sound very seedy. Like those ads in the back of local papers from women offering "a discreet, girlfriend experience". Yuck. More fool the ex really for getting involved with such a creep.